Its hard to even say when I broke up with my now-official ex. We had been together for about 9 months and for the last 2 or 3 months we were breaking up and making up every other week and then eventually every week. I was heartbroken about it each and every time, but I always knew we would get back together. If I could just figure out what he WANTED from me. If I could figure out what it was that I was doing wrong. Until it hit me... . I was not making the problems... . he was.
Each time he would get angry and "flip out" there seemed to be a reason, but all he could tell me is that I was being mean to him or making him "feel like all the time". I don't know how I did this! I have to admit that the last month I was very emotionally drained and was not the super sweet and cuddly person I was in the beginning, but I would say if my normal was 100 my drained was 80. I would forgive him and go back to being normal and he would be surprised and it was almost as if he expected me to throw him away after any sort of disagreement, then he learned that I was not going to leave him. It got worse as time went on and I forgave and forgave. I even directed him to a BPD site much like this one. He read and agreed that this may be the issue and for a moment there was improvement. He consciously started controlling his anger and began to be more calm and rational. This lasted for about a week... . then right back to the same. Though this time he had learned not to yell at me, he would say these terrible things to me in a level voice, because my stipulation was that he could no longer yell. It was like he wanted to be mean enough to hurt me but not enough to make me leave.
It was so strange to hear him tell me that he ignores so many terrible things that I do all the time to him, but when asked be can't list any or if he does they are absurd like leaving the hair brush out. When we talk about the hair brush later and I apologize about leaving it out he tells me that he was never really upset he just felt like telling me that he was. What is that?
I made the down payment on his car, gave him money, helped him in every sort of day to day thing, and yet he tells me I do nothing for him. I feel like I am not seen at all. He just says that I think I "don't need to change" and that I "love to be in control" and that I have a "lot I need to change about myself". Each time he would be angry with me, he would tell me to "be more" and to "move forward with him" yet if I asked for particular things that I needed to improve all he had to say was the same old... . I am mean to him. He even told me after we broke up that I must have had an "angle" for being with him. I got nothing from him, if anything he got things from me. Yet... . I am still wondering what is wrong with me. It has been a few weeks since he dumped me this last time, and I have refused to answer his emails or text messages. Even this he has used to blame me, saying that the break up and lack of make up is "on me". Yes... . yes it is. I refuse to be emotionally destroyed by the man I love. I deserve better and though my heart is broken, I will move on. I will not allow this to make me jaded about the world or about love.
I have made an effort to go out with my friends and have started spending a little platonic time with a new guy. I am also making an effort to heal and to allow myself to see I am a good and valuable person. I spent so much time trying to tell my ex this that I forgot to tell myself.
