Anyone ever been divorce and remarried to a BPD?

[fatherofthree]

Currently going through a divorce.  I'm terrified that once I let go completely, it'll be over forever.  Anyone ever re-married their BPD partner after divorce?  She filed by the way.

[cobaltblue]

Yup. I did. It was dumb of me and ended again in divorce three years later. Lesson learned. Stop rescuing her and focus on yourself and your recovery.

[fatherofthree]

Did she come back to you?  Mine has no possible way of surviving (financially, mentally) on her own, but she's not giving up on this divorce.  Literally, she won't even have health insurance after this.  How is she going to get treatment?  We all know the answer to that question.  No employment history and she has a GED.  No money at all. 

Everyone in the family is expecting a total breakdown in a matter of months.  I don't want to be an enemy, and I sincerely hope that she checks herself in.  Pride falleth before the man.  She's totally convinced herself that she's gonna make it.  Common sense says not.  We're going to co-parent.  I'm terrified for my children.

[cobaltblue]

We were NC for a year and her sister told me she was in the hospital for surgery. Like an idiot I got sucked back in. They don't change and it's stupid for us to expect them to. If you are the Non and a BPD is divorcing you, think that it's an act to hurt you or they feel that they are going to do it to you before you abandon them. Or both. If you fear for your children then you should fight for joint custody at a minimum, or sole custody. It is possible to raise the kids apart. It's just not healthy for you to be in a dysfunctional relationship. But it takes a lot to be able to recognize this through the fog.

[mywifecrazy]

Dude, your situation is a lot like mine. I don't want to hurt or upset you but don't be surprised to find out she already has someone lined up to take care of her. To RESCUE her.  That is their way of surviving by manipulating people in to feeling sorry for them.

Don't worry about her lack of employment or health insurance. You need to focus on YOURSELF and do what ever is necessary to have the most favorable outcome in your upcoming divorce. Hear me now and take it to heart the way you feel about her is NOT the way she feels about you. It never has been that way. Read all you can on this site about this disorder. Read peoples stories. I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs. I sounded just like you when she first left then the truth about her lies an hidden actions throughout our marriage knocked me for a loop!

You should be terrified for your kids. Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. Your in a critical stage here. She WILL lie to keep you distracted while she is doing things behind the scenes to benefit her NOT YOU. pwBPD are selfish by nature and they lack empathy. She is NOT worried about you or your kids feelings.

Your kids need you! Please be careful. Thing logically and not emotionally. You can get through this but you need to be "Wise as a Serpant" hang in there brother. You're not alone!

PS lean on your faith!

[cobaltblue]

What he said. Well put.  I'd also add that if kids are involved, go buy and read ":)ivorce Poison" at Amazon.com.  Mine is doing a parental alienation campaign right now and you need to know how to address it. She will use the kids to try to punish you.

[fatherofthree]

Dude, your situation is a lot like mine. I don't want to hurt or upset you but don't be surprised to find out she already has someone lined up to take care of her. To RESCUE her.  That is their way of surviving by manipulating people in to feeling sorry for them.

Yep, she's replaced me with her friends and others that she can use. 

Don't worry about her lack of employment or health insurance. You need to focus on YOURSELF and do what ever is necessary to have the most favorable outcome in your upcoming divorce. Hear me now and take it to heart the way you feel about her is NOT the way she feels about you. It never has been that way. Read all you can on this site about this disorder. Read peoples stories. I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs. I sounded just like you when she first left then the truth about her lies an hidden actions throughout our marriage knocked me for a loop!

That's just it; eventually I got tired of seeing her sleep all the time, or just simply ignored the consistent criticism.  I spent a lot of time away with my work too, so I think that prolonged the inevitable issues.  I found things to keep myself busy and honestly (apart from the drinking), I was pretty happy.  After I found out about the infidelity, I was shocked and felt like I hadn't done enough in the marriage.  I felt like I didn't show her enough attention or do enough in general.  However, now I'm starting to realize that I'm not responsible for her happiness.  I do feel like I could have done a lot of things differently, but all in all, I know that I don't deserve to be treated like I am now. 

You should be terrified for your kids. Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. Your in a critical stage here. She WILL lie to keep you distracted while she is doing things behind the scenes to benefit her NOT YOU. pwBPD are selfish by nature and they lack empathy. She is NOT worried about you or your kids feelings.

Your kids need you! Please be careful. Thing logically and not emotionally. You can get through this but you need to be "Wise as a Serpant" hang in there brother. You're not alone!

PS lean on your faith!

 

I am a Christian, and I pray for her multiple times a day.  I pray for all of us.  I never expected to date another woman in my entire life.  She has already lied/deceived her way into her current state of "freedom" seeking and divorce / infidelity.  She is the single most selfish person I've ever met in my life.  Point blank.  She has been gone for 4 days... . no idea where she is.  No calls or texts in reference to the children.  Simply amazes me.  A year ago, she could barely get out of bed.  Now she's acting out completely. 

[mywifecrazy]

 

I am a Christian, and I pray for her multiple times a day.  I pray for all of us.  I never expected to date another woman in my entire life.  She has already lied/deceived her way into her current state of "freedom" seeking and divorce / infidelity.  She is the single most selfish person I've ever met in my life.  Point blank.  She has been gone for 4 days... . no idea where she is.  No calls or texts in reference to the children.  Simply amazes me.  A year ago, she could barely get out of bed.  Now she's acting out completely. 

Yes, we have a lot in common! I mean it brother, lean on your faith. Put your trust in him and he will see you through. My heart was broken open when she left me and my boys. Sometimes We can grow closer to God when we are at our lowest points and in pain. I am so much closer to God because I put it all in HIS hands. And you know what it's been about a year since I caught her in an affair and left me.  I am in such a better place and I'm happier now.

Hang in there. It WILL get better. You and your boys are in my prayers!

[fatherofthree]

Funny thing: I keep telling her to put God first and everything will fall in place.  I found out tonight that she is horribly angry at me for not "being there" for her.  She never used to rage.  I am ready to move on... . she is completely broken inside and its clearly obvious.  I don't want to abandon her, but I know that I can't fix her either.  Crazy stuff.

[mywifecrazy]

Funny thing: I keep telling her to put God first and everything will fall in place.  I found out tonight that she is horribly angry at me for not "being there" for her.  She never used to rage.  I am ready to move on... . she is completely broken inside and its clearly obvious.  I don't want to abandon her, but I know that I can't fix her either.  Crazy stuff.

I found out that my uBPDxw never really had any faith. She was just mirroring me. For 20 years she was going through the motions. I asked her recently why she doesn't take our boys to church when they are with her. I said you lost your family why lose your faith and not go to church anymore. She said "I only went to church because I knew it was important to u

You"... . Oh really, so for 20 years you faked it? Unbelievable these people are! I know they're sick but still !

[fatherofthree]

I know for many, many reasons that it's in my best interest to leave her.  Yesterday I prayed with her but I could tell that she was in an entire different world.  She keeps testing me with these games: 

"You didn't watch a movie with me like we used to.  You just wanted to talk about ending the divorce." - I didn't want to watch the movie with her because she told me that she "f-ing hated me."  Obviously the divorce is a bit more important than the movie, but I left cause she said she hated me.

"You haven't changed... . you just want to argue."  -The entire time I never raised my voice and tried to explain how her actions are hurting our family.

Back in the day I found plenty of things to keep me distracted and away from her symptoms.  Like my '66 Chevelle, going out with the buddies, running, and work.  I felt so guilty after I found out about the infidelity.  I felt like I had ignored her and caused her to do those things.  It's like I'm caught in the FOG man!  I completely understand the meaning behind that term now. 

The things that I used to keep myself busy were my happiness.  I made myself happy.  I am extremely self-motivated.  When I'm around her, I lose all energy to accomplish anything.  I just wish that this was over, one way or the other.  I wish I could get my wife back, but I know that will only happen when her entire world comes crashing down. 

BTW, when she does break down crying, that's the only time that she's rational.  I don't understand how it works.  Immediately after she's done crying, she's back to BPD.

[cobaltblue]

I feel your pain. In my case, crying is simply another tool that my BPDw uses to elicit and effect the response she desires. She can go from abusive and angry to crying in under two minutes in the same conversation, then when crying doesn't elicit the desired response, back to verbal abuse and emotional abuse. So you may not want to think she's "normal" when she's crying. There is no normal.

For me the decision to leave took three years and a ton of research and observing and therapy. What it boiled down to was this:

- She's clearly ill

- She's not capable of fathoming this

- in order for DBT therapy to work they need to admit they need help

- Her behavior and verbal and emotional abuse was a major contribor or my depression and anxiety

- Options are either to continue coping in life or to change it

Coping for me was toxic, so the choice was made.

[DontPanic]

Almost  re-married the ex before she was diagnosed with BPD. getting to the reality of the situation takes time and the most important thing was figure out what was going on with me that attracted me to her (and others with this condition). What I found after a bit of therapy, was that they can be very alluring people and that after years of dealing with this mess, I was a bit addicted to the chaos as well. so much so that when another person presented herself (and has some sort of worse pd/bipolar issues). that we drew together like magnets. the good thing here was that it was a short relationship (a couple of months)and by talking with others and the people here I was able to get myself extracted in short order.

That being said, I'm now going out with someone sane, its going very slow and if the people I've had relationships with before are like crack... then the person i am going  out with now is red bull. However, she's not crazy and there is a lot to say for that.

One thing I try and remember is that who i am as a human being was changed by the long term toxic relationship I was in. the person i am now is in a rebuilding phase (its been almost a year since the ex passed away).

So, give yourself some time, its always been easier for me to consider the needs of others before my own. But now I think of my wants and needs and those of my children before the crazy person(s) in my life. i also had to take a long look at me to see why I kept finding myself in this situation. painful to do, but mandatory.

Take care of yourself brother