Contact or keep my distance

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Hey Guys,

I usually post on the detaching board, and this is my first on undecided.  Only because staying or leaving is not my choice the way it stands.  My girl left just over 2 months ago now.  She hasn't changed her position at all since she left except last week she told me that she is really struggling to get over me, and maybe down the track we can be friends and "see what happens", but for now needs to work on herself.

The thing is... . I've been keeping my distance, but every week it seems we end up talking for one reason or another.  I usually throw out the occassional message to say I'm thinking of her and miss her (dumb I know).  But it's more to reassure her I'm not moving on and abandoning her.  I'm so confused on whether or not to just let her go, or keep in contact with her.  I really want things to work out.  It's the usual story on this board - boy meets girl, fall in love have amazing year together and things just turned black.  I didn't realise how deep seated her issues were with me.

Should I keep in light contact with her?  Or should I just let her go and if she finds her way back it was meant to be?

Any advice on the best way to do this?  I know most would say just leave, but I don't want to.  I still love her, and I can see she seems to still love me but is extra paranoid about a lot of things.

Thank you for any advice

Spice

[spicelover]

Hey Guys,

I usually post on the detaching board, and this is my first on undecided.  Only because staying or leaving is not my choice the way it stands.  My girl left just over 2 months ago now.  She hasn't changed her position at all since she left except last week she told me that she is really struggling to get over me, and maybe down the track we can be friends and "see what happens", but for now needs to work on herself.

The thing is... . I've been keeping my distance, but every week it seems we end up talking for one reason or another.  I usually throw out the occassional message to say I'm thinking of her and miss her (dumb I know).  But it's more to reassure her I'm not moving on and abandoning her.  I'm so confused on whether or not to just let her go, or keep in contact with her.  I really want things to work out.  It's the usual story on this board - boy meets girl, fall in love have amazing year together and things just turned black.  I didn't realise how deep seated her issues were with me.

Should I keep in light contact with her?  Or should I just let her go and if she finds her way back it was meant to be?

Any advice on the best way to do this?  I know most would say just leave, but I don't want to.  I still love her, and I can see she seems to still love me but is extra paranoid about a lot of things.

Thank you for any advice

Spice

[seeking balance]

Should I keep in light contact with her?  Or should I just let her go and if she finds her way back it was meant to be?

If keeping in light contact isn't hurting you, why not?  Are you capable of not expecting anything more from her right now since she specifically broke up with you 2 months ago?

[spicelover]

I guess the only problem is if she really wants to move on, then am I just the guy that wouldn't go away? I worry about my self-respect because she's portrayed for ex's to me that they were all losers who wouldn't leave her alone and even spoke about restraining orders etc... . it's not like that with me, as I'm quite light when it comes to this stuff. 

But would leaving her alone completely be better do you think SB?  Would it give her a real chance to miss me and wonder about me?

I am writing a hand-written letter right now.  I doubt I will send it.  But I thought maybe putting my heart on the line and sending to her for her to read?

[seeking balance]

I guess the only problem is if she really wants to move on, then am I just the guy that wouldn't go away? I worry about my self-respect because she's portrayed for ex's to me that they were all losers who wouldn't leave her alone and even spoke about restraining orders etc... . it's not like that with me, as I'm quite light when it comes to this stuff. 

Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior - you do risk looking like that guy if you are continuing to contact her.

But would leaving her alone completely be better do you think SB?  Would it give her a real chance to miss me and wonder about me?

I don't know - I do know that if she wants you to leave her alone and you violate her boundaries that is not going to bode well for you.  This is not the same as what you originally wrote regarding light contact... . you didn't really answer the question about can you handle light contact - but based on this response, you might want to really get honest with your own feelings and what you can or cannot handle.

I am writing a hand-written letter right now.  I doubt I will send it.  But I thought maybe putting my heart on the line and sending to her for her to read?

Spicelover - do you really think sending this to her is a good idea right now?

[spicelover]

Seeking... . I think I'll feel better knowing I left everything written from my heart and all the truth right there with her.  Whether she believes it or not I can't control.  But I can put my hand on my heart and say I tried everything. 

She genuinely believes I didn't want her, and that I used her and that breaks my heart.  I was ready and willing to marry that girl. 

I believe that sending her this letter (yes I've written it now), can't do any harm.  I think the worst case would not be her not responding at all, but a letter back twisting everything around on me again.  If that happens then I honestly will just walk away and let her think what she likes.  But if it hits her in the heart and makes her think more, and let's her see I'm not giving up and not walking away - unless she says 100% from her heart that she doesn't love me for who I am instead of the incorrect reasons she's been giving me - then I'll feel better.

It can't push her away any further but can it?

[Narellan]

If its not too personal and you feel like sharing the letter on here, people may help with wording etc if you're worried she may twist things.  Otherwise I would suggest validating her concerns and talking about yourself and how u feel as apposed to saying anything about her that she may feel you're targeting her for. Good luck x

[spicelover]

Thank you Narellan,  the problem is I've already sent it  :'(  here's pretty much what it said (I changed a few things when I wrote it by hand).  I dropped it in her letterbox today so I'm assuming she's read it, but I haven't heard anything.  I have a strong feeling I'll receive a letter back telling me to move on.  Anyway... . here it is

---------------------------------------------

Dearest xxxx,

I am writing to you putting my heart on the line.  I believe you when you say all of the feelings you have felt, and I have had a good amount of time to process and think about everything you've said.  I feel terrible for putting you through anything that would hurt you.  I can promise you I would never do that again.  I felt so much happiness sometimes I was blind to see some of your sadness.  I am sorry you are such a sweet person full of love and I should have listened better.  I can't erase the past but I can build a future.

Everything you have told me I have taken steps to make better.  I really have been committed to this for me to make me a better person.  If you know me well, then you know when I set my mind to doing something I make sure I do it.  I have made my world the one we were looking forward to.  There is nothing lingering and all room for hopes and dreams.

Setting all of the issues aside, I believe you and I had such a wonderful chemistry, and the foundations for such a beautiful relationship.  We were best friends, I felt so much love for you and I know you did for me too.  We have the same beliefs, same kind of humour, had so much fun making mischief, the same passions for life.  I miss you.  I really do miss you.  I'm not telling you this because I feel lonely.  I want you to know that I miss YOU.  Everything was real for me.  I know you felt it too.  You told me how happy I made you and I believed that and still do.

I can't apologise enough for letting it go bad for that little while at the end.  I won't go on about that, but you know how I feel about it all.  It has been a life-changing experience for me in a good way.  And I'm sorry for the few times I've said hurtful things recently.  I don't believe them I was just looking for stupid answers and not finding them.  Corny sounding or not, I felt like I lost my "soul mate" (yeah sounds corney ha). 

Princess xxxxxx, I want to be there for you again.  This time I want to be there for you and I just us.  I want our journey to start over.  Stronger and more beautiful than before.  That is if you're willing to start with me. 

We could take it slow, and just enjoy each others company all over.  I want to hear about your days again, I want to hear your laugh, see your tears, hold you when you need to be held.  We don't have to talk about any future commitment, we could just take it day by day.  That is if you are willing.  I made mistakes, but I am not a person to make the same ones twice.

I know you have lots of self-healing to do, and I respect that.  I still want to be part of your life if you can open your heart to me again.  I will never hurt you and just want to be there with you. 

I have said all of this before, but I need you to know I'm coming from a sincere and honest place of love and respect.  I would never leave you, or hurt you, or judge you.  I love you for who you are I want to be an open book for you in every way.  I have nothing to hide, and everything to give.

I only have eyes for you xxxxx.  I can't let go, and I won't let go unless you ask me to honestly from the bottom of your heart.  If you want me to move on, then I will leave you alone I promise you will never hear from me again.  I don't want that, but I want to  respect you if you truly mean it.

I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon and right back again.

Love, Spice xxx

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Then at the end I had a few Postscripts at the end with some personal jokes that wouldn't make any sense so I left them out.  I know a bit soppy, but I wanted it to be.  Her biggest issue was that she thought I didn't want her and was just using her to make my ex-wife jealous which is so far from the truth.  She just had it in her head, and she's so paranoid about everyone being against her now she thinks I am.  It's killing me.  But yeah... . I've said a lot before, but I tried to write this in a way to show her that I just want to work on things with her, and didn't make any excuses or blames etc... .   was it too full on?

[Narellan]

That's a beautiful message to her straight from your heart 

If my exBPD sent me anything like that I would be back in his arms.

For a few weeks anyway til he ditched me again   

It's very therapeutic to be able to say everything you want to say. So many of us on here are just dropped with no closure and its part of the reason we struggle to move on. You've given yourself some closure by writing to her, and it's now up to her to decide. Regardless of the outcome she and you both know where you stand.

Big hugs to you and we are all here for you whatever her response may be. 

[spicelover]

Naww thanks Narellan 

I don't hold high hopes at all, but I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have written to her a few times over the past couple of months.  Just emails trying to explain things, but this time I didn't want to explain anything, I just want to tell her I want to be with her and nobody else.

Her paranoia overrides anything good I say though so I think it might fall on deaf ears.  Then again, it might all just be words she tells me and she simply just doesn't want to be with me  :'(

I will definitely keep you guys in the loop.  That letter surely warrants some kind of response wouldn't you think?  If she ignores it completely I'll just have to walk away I can't keep taking that forever.

[spicelover]

Still nothing.  I thought I'd be fine with that... . but nope it's eating me alive.  I'm learning a lot about myself during all of this.

I really would have thought she'd have contacted me in some way.  Maybe she's written back and posted the letter which means tomorrow.  Yep I'm losing it 

[Narellan]

Lol I think this is why NC is recommended 

And no you're not crazy, you're thinking rationally and anticipate a response. That's rational to rational people. Not the case with BPD tho unfortunately.

I think your letter was beautiful and I'm sad it may have been wasted on someone who didn't appreciate it. But it gave you the opportunity you wanted to bring closure one way or the other to the not knowing. You will know your answer soon enough.

In my experience when I initiated any contact my ex BPD pulled further away. He still came back eventually, but the recycle process was slowed down. Big hugs to you. Xxx

[spicelover]

Yeah I think you're right ... . but NC was killing me anyway :P  I can't get over her.  I must have deeper issues because I simply can't.  And as I said I don't think I will until she can tell me she doesn't want me.  I won't accept her reasons being that I used her etc... because that's not true.  She became so paranoid it was very very strange to see

As I said the final letter was pretty close, but I made a few changes along the way... . one being this part "I don't believe them I was just looking for stupid answers and not finding them."... . I changed that to something like "I was looking for answers in you, when all along I should have been looking for answers within myself".  This is something I'm learning.  I can't change how someone feels, but I can try to understand that and see why they would feel that way.  Maybe I wasn't "listening" to her actions more than just her words.  I probably did or said things that may have made her feel insecure.  I certainly never would have intentionally... . but yeah.  Unless she opens up to me I'll really never know.

The part where I said "I only have eyes for you xxxxx.  I can't let go, and I won't let go unless you ask me to honestly from the bottom of your heart.  If you want me to move on, then I will leave you alone I promise you will never hear from me again.  I don't want that, but I want to  respect you if you truly mean it." is maybe what is scaring her.  Maybe she's enjoying the control for now, and knows a) she doesn't want to be with me for now, but b) if she tells me that I'll leave?  So she's leaving it the way things are?  I don't know.

Thanks Narellan 

[Narellan]

  I'm kinda hanging for the reply too!

Will you be ok if there isn't one? You need to keep busy for now, try not to think about it and have faith that what will be is meant to be. Try not to contemplate what is in her head, that will send you crazy. You needed to send it to give yourself peace. How you worded things is exactly how you feel.

Go for a nice long walk now. 

[blueman54321]

Wishing you good luck my friend.

But prepare yourself for all outcomes.

[spicelover]

Thanks guys. I haven't heard anything at all. I thought I'd be OK with that but every breath I take I'm feeling more and more defeated and sad. I'm falling down. Maybe it's a culmination of everything I've been through over the past few years all adding up. But yeah... . I didn't expect things to end up like this with her 

[blueman54321]

If she hasn't said anything, then you're probably backup, this is the reason for absolutely no contact, they keep you clinging on.

Otherwise it would be a yes or a no when she read it.

[spicelover]

Yeah I feel like a backup.  I don't know if she's seeing anyone else right now, but I think she's having a long and hard think about what she wants.  I think that letter was pretty final from me to say if she says no I'll be gone.  Maybe she's actually honestly not ready to make that choice yet.  I don't know.  I still sometimes feel like this is all just a massive test on me to see if I would actually go back to my ex-wife... . maybe it is, or maybe she just never loved me.

I'm thinking if I haven't heard anything after the weekend - I will just write a simple text message with something like "Ok, I get it.  Goodbye, and all the best."  something final from me rather than just leaving it up in the air the way it is.  That will be it for me then.  No going back.

[Narellan]

I wouldn't follow up with any text or anything . You've said your peace, and have given her some power to make up her mind. This might take a while. No rush. If you text and say that you're taking back that offer you have her to decide. Push/ pull on your part if you do that. It's so hard to step back and go no contact but anything more from you after that beautiful letter will be seen by her as you pushing her for a decision. Keep your cool. Pretend you're living your life happily and leave her be. Be kind to yourself for a few weeks and have patience and trust whatever is meant to be, will be xx

[spicelover]

You're 100% right... . that was a fleeting thought, and a stupid one. 

I just saw her.  She got a job only streets from here, and I was out the front of a takeout shop waiting for my food and she was walking past with a few people from her work laughing loudly.  She saw me and went quiet but ignored me.

Wow.  I've gotta get over her.

[Narellan]

Just a thought. You have pointed out so many reasons for her not bring suitable as a partner. So here's a fleeting thought too, putting BPD aside maybe look at it from a gender perspective. I could be way off kilter here, but most of the men I know like to do the chasing . It's a thrill and a powerful feeling. To chase someone and win them. From a female perspective, I know never to chase a guy. That makes him run for the hills. So when I sit back, things are more likely to go in my favour .

If she was with you now, how would you feel? How did you feel when you were with her? Has the desperation ( sorry, for want of a better word) escalated due to her allowing you to chase her?

I know when I went NC for a week before my ex BPD was so desperate to contact me, he called repeatedly and then landed on my door. He once told me its the thrill if the chase, and the novelty wears off if there's no chase.

Or maybe even your BPD loving control as they do wants to be the chaser?

Who knows? I know nothing ! Very confusing to me also 

[spicelover]

Honestly, apart from some of the bickering about the issues to do with my ex-wife - which she initiated every time - we had a wonderful time together.  We actually really did have so much fun.  There were a lot of times (mainly when she'd be drinking) where she'd do things to make me feel uncomfortable and sad which would bring me down.  And when we argued about that other stuff it brought me down too.

I hate chasing her only because she used to think when people did things like that they were desperate.  She'd always have things to say about other people's relationships.  I know for a fact she loves control, but I'm sure she has feelings too.  I'm sure she must be thinking (well sometimes at least) "that guy really does love me afterall. what the hell am I doing?".  She always used to tell me how she felt like she was the luckiest girl in the world to have me and never imagined that she'd be with someone like me.  Of course I felt the same way about her too... . it was just lovely.

When I have gone proper NC on her at the start... . usually no more than 4-5 days and she'd be asking me friendly questions, or telling me things.  But as time has passed she's not doing at at all.  I was starting to accept until our catch up last week when she alluded to maybe talking about us again.  That set me right back.

I do know she will never chase.  The feeling I get, despite everything she says about other people, is that if I don't show her interest she'll just think I never wanted her in the first place and she was right about everything.  I think my letter should be the last thing I send her.  I know it should be.  I've done all I can now.

[Narellan]

Awesome work. You've answered all your questions and you can now see a pathway . 

Well done to you  it takes a lot to get to this point.

Keep up the good work. And know that sometimes it takes a while for our hearts to accept what our heads know is right. X

[blueman54321]

 I still sometimes feel like this is all just a massive test on me to see if I would actually go back to my ex-wife... . maybe it is

I have many thoughts of this, but I think that is just hope rearing it's ugly head, and an attempt to try to make sense of the sudden emotional abandonment we get from our exBPD lovers.

[spicelover]

 I still sometimes feel like this is all just a massive test on me to see if I would actually go back to my ex-wife... . maybe it is

I have many thoughts of this, but I think that is just hope rearing it's ugly head, and an attempt to try to make sense of the sudden emotional abandonment we get from our exBPD lovers.

Yeah I'm thinking the same.  Hope.  It raises it's ugly head all day every day at the moment.  I saw this quote in an article on sociopaths and read it this morning when I started to feel anxious again... . it actually helped: "You need to view these people as predators because that is what they are, mental abuse can negatively affect you for the rest of your life, harming things like your career, family life, future romances, your well-being. You deserve someone who truly loves and cares for you, would someone who loved you sit and watch as you grovel at they’re feet in a pool of your on tears? Would they ignore you while your heart breaks to pieces over and over again? The answer my friends is a resounding, NO!"

Still haven't heard anything.  *sigh*

[Narellan]

Wow thanks for posting the sociopath quote. I can really relate to that.

Read it over and over again until you come to the realisation that a no reply from her is a blessing. You do deserve better. And someday you will find better. Stay strong. Reread yesterday's posts about not re contacting. When those little doubts and impulse to reach out to her again hit you, come on here instead. 

[spicelover]

Thanks Narellan 

Last night I was pretty down and wanted to reach out, but I know it's pathetic and would only push her away.  Need to keep head on shoulders

[Narellan]

It's not at all pathetic. It's perfectly rational to rational people. Unfortunately were not reaching out to rational people, and she may view it as pathetic given the comments she's made about chasing people being desperate.

It sounds like the fog is lifting a bit for you which is great. Doesn't mean you won't have down days tho .  I come on here more when i do. I think you're doing awesome!

[spicelover]

Thank you

The sociopath stuff I read up on because you mentioned it to me.  It's kinda all a little intertwined isn't it?

That quote is so true.  When we are little and think about love I'm damn sure I didn't expect someone to be torturing me and putting me through this.  I saw sunshine and rainbows and warmth and at the end of the day, no matter what I go through in life that person would stick it out with me through thick and thin.  Not ditch me and watch me slowly self-destruct.  That letter deserved some kind of response.  I deserve better.  I wanted to be there for her, but she's not for me.  Not in any capacity.

So today marks the start of my new journey.  After receiving some random text this afternoon and no mention of my letter, I've decided the pain is not worth it on her anymore.  I choose to move on.  Not because she's made it this way, because I want to move on.  I am choosing not to think about the great times, and turn them to black in my mind consciously.  Just the way she's done to me. 

I'm doing what's best for me.   

[Narellan]

Yes one of my posts was about difference between sociopath and BPD . My T raised it with me. They do interconnect. Some people have traits of both. Or all. I'm no psychologist but I read up on the human mind because it interests and intrigues me. I've lived with people my whole life with mental health issues, and I appreciate the challenges they face. That's just me. It helps me with my healing process.

It's good you've reached a decision that feels right for you. Stand firm with that belief now and move forward. It's ok to have pleasant memories. But we often romanticise the failed relationship. Try to remember the whole picture, and the pros and cons that led you to your decision. NC now is the best option for your healing process. Take care x