Terrified of Personality Disorders ... Seeing BPD Everywhere

[Artisan]

Now that I've decided to heal, move on and get back out in the world I am realizing that I am terrified of ending up in another relationship of emotional anarchy.

I'm frightened to open up and give of my heart and soul again ... . I was a sucker the first time, how could I ever know that somebody new won't blow up on me out of the blue for no reason ?

All of the women I meet are going through this filter of perception. And it isn't fair to them, or myself.

And I'm not even dating ; I'm taking the time to heal, self-nurture ... . yet, I do hope for love and a deeply committed relationship so I take notice of women who interest me.

If there is a single red flag, I immediately lose interest.

Perhaps my sensitivity is far too high, any trait that reminds me of the exBPDgf causes me to experience PTSD and I emotionally withdraw.

It feels as if its beyond my control, and something operating at a deeper and more instinctive, survival level part of myself.

Is this something that some of you have experienced ?

[seeking balance]

Absolutely - I didn't date at all during my divorce process which lasted about a year.

When I started dating, I was pretty closed off and it really was not fair to those I dated over the next year and a half or so. 

-If someone liked me too much (ummm, normally you want someone to like you) that was a red flag. 

- If they were in therapy or not ever in therapy - red flag

- If they called every day - you guessed it, red flag

- If they were too young or too old - red flag

So, after a while of that I kinda realized I might need to loosen up a bit - boundaries, not barriers.  I was afraid of my own emotions actually... . I was so scared of getting hurt again or of making a bad decision.  I probably missed out on good people.

I recently went on a date with someone that was me 2 years ago - open, but really closed.  It was interesting to see it from the other side.

Vulnerability and risk take courage - I believe our courage is directly proportionate to how "whole" we feel.  I am leaning into it more and more.

For the record, after a 3rd 2 month relationship where I was just not able to emotionally completely open up (there is a difference between being honest and being emotionally open I have learned) I took another dating break for about 8 months or so since I had some other big things happening in my life.

I have accepted that I am going to move at a slower rate than most, it is just the way I am now - and I am ok with that.

Listen to that survival instinct in you - if you are not ready, you are not ready - it is ok to give yourself the time to heal.

There is a huge difference between a pwBPD and the majority of people out there - most folks have baggage, but not the chaos of BPD.

Peace,

SB

[DreamGirl]

If only to help you feel like you're not alone in this, this is one of my favorite responses about this subject from our very own PDQuick:


There is a plain that happens here on this forum that doesn't get discussed, and there are many here that are sitting in the same chair that I am in. I can think of several people who I know, that have the same scenario that is happening in my life. Lets throw this out there on the table, see if it resonates with any of us.

There is a place where you have learned the lessons from the disordered relationship. We see that we were drawn in more from our own insecurities, and vulnerabilities, more so than the draw of the disordered. We see that it was us that was clinging to something that was never there, rather than seeing what really was there. We were holding onto a concept that only existed in our minds, rather than in the reality of the relationship. We come to an understanding of the dynamics, and the process. We see our part, and we have worked on our inadequacies. We have learned from the past.

Now, with the past fully analyzed, and the lessons squeezed out of us, we are in the present. Not wanting to repeat the past, we look and feel ever so carefully in this present. The wounds have healed, but the pain is still fresh enough for us to remember. We feel nothing consciencely, but just below the surface, the memories of the pain are still very real, and its those memories that keep us right where we are. Stuck between the reality, the potential, and the past.

We are in limbo.

We try to chose what we deem as "safe." The luster isn't there, and the excitement is missing. We stay away from anything that gives off the slightest hint that it, or they, might have any potential to hurt us. We step softly on the ground, to make sure that it wont give way, and we taste very carefully, anything to ensure that it isn't bitter to our senses. We can tend to be over protective of the very things that we want... . our happiness.

In our new life, and our new minds, we have assembled those eggshells we once walked on, into a protective outer covering, protecting us from the world around us. There is a new role for those eggshells now, and it resembles what its original intention is. We are our own yolks, and we are waiting to hatch, to shed our shell, and reemerge as a living, breathing, separate entity, capable of experiencing life, rather than continually analyzing it, and sheltering ourselves from it. We are here incubating.

My struggle lately is one of wanting to crack that shell, and come out, but still, the memories of the past influence my future. There is a song that describes my feelings, yet the meaning is flip flopped. I spent 13 years in the disordered relationship. I thought I loved a person I didn't like for so long, that I am still rebuilding my own faith, and my own trust in myself. I fooled myself for a long time, and my thoughts were so screwed up, that I had myself thoroughly convinced of something that was not even close to true. The song I referred to is "I see you in everyone."

I still see disorder in lots of things in my life. I see it in alot of people in my life. I see it in myself. I see my ex in parts of everyone I meet, and even in that man in the mirror. Hell, I was steeped in her toxic tea for 13 years. I cant help but have remnants of her still in me. Cover yourself with crap for that long, and it takes more than one shower to get it off.

I am teetering right now, inside my egg, wanting to break free of the confines of my surroundings, yet still feeling secure enough inside that the blows that I lay upon the outer covering arent hard enough yet to bring the first crack in my encasing shell. I know, because I feel it, that there will soon come a time, where I will throw caution to the wind, and feel like I am strong enough to handle the outside world enough to go out and emmerse myself in it. My desire to live is starting to overcome my desire to not be hurt. In the past year, the only chances I was willing to take were the ones where I knew it was safe. It wasnt a calculated risk.

There is a place of freedom, just beyond where I am currently at, where I can take what other people throw at me, and not hold it against them, because they are who they are, and I cant do anything about that. I cant change them, only accept them. Sure, I can talk to them, and try to help them, but it is ultimately their decision. I wont hold them personally responsible for my feelings on it, because it is their decision. I will just learn more about myself because of those feelings they induce in me. This process will help me figure out who I am, what I want, and what I dont. I welcome feelings of all types right now, because they are mine, and I am tuned into them, rather than reacting to misconceived feelings, like I did most of my adult life.

Yet, here I sit, still covered in my shell, wanting to break out, but still not bad enough to deliver the fatal blow the the covering that has protected me for close to two years. The dynamic that you speak of, Oneflew, in the opening post on this thread, is just that. We know what we did wrong, we know the lessons, and the wisdom. We see the twisted thinking that comes here on a daily basis, and yes, we can deliver advice because we are on the other side of the process. Some of us are disconnected from the pain, because we have healed. We remember it, thus, why we still remain covered by our own shells. We are still struggling, not with the disorder that unites all of us, but with ourselves. We are incubating.

[seeking balance]

Dreamgirl - you posted on one of my threads a couple years ago the first time I let myself start to "feel" and I was very discombobulated - the camping/fire analogy - do you remember it at all?

[Skip]

If there is a single red flag, I immediately lose interest.

Perhaps my sensitivity is far too high, any trait that reminds me of the exBPDgf causes me to experience PTSD and I emotionally withdraw.

In radar there is sensitivity and specificity.

In a simple sense, sensitivity is how good are we at picking up a signal.   Specificity is how often is what we pick up actually something meaningful (like police radar trap).

If a member buys into the urban legends and the 100 red flags stuff, their radar will go off like fireworks in a shopping mall.

If they learn the essence of a personality disturbances, its going to drop down considerably.

Learning abot eole may be one of the best lesson we can gain from the experiences we had.

[mywifecrazy]

If there is a single red flag, I immediately lose interest.

I know exactly how you feel. I survived my 18yr marriage to my uBPDxw financially and I'm working on getting healthy mentally. I don't want to risk my sanity on the wrong person!

Even women I'm not dating I'm looking for 

I'll be at a sons sports event talking to a single divorced woman and I'm mentally evaluating her looking for   (wish I would have done that 18yrs ago!  )

Perhaps my sensitivity is far too high, any trait that reminds me of the exBPDgf causes me to experience PTSD and I emotionally withdraw.

It's only been a yr since my X left. I actually decided to not focus on dating and to focus on myself and my kids. I need to heal from my marriage failing. I want to be happy with myself and who I am first. Once I get there I'll be more open to dating. The way I look at it is if I'm happy and healthy by myself I will be more likely to meet a woman who is happy and healthy as well.  I think that's why I didn't recognize the  that were a warning about my uBPDxw 18 years ago... . Because I wasn't Healthy and Happy with myself. And to be fair there were   about me too that she missed.

It feels as if its beyond my control, and something operating at a deeper and more instinctive, survival level part of myself.

Give yourself time to heal. It's OK to have these feelings. You have to go through the process of healing, you can't force it or rush through it. It's the folks who don't take time to heal that end up in another bad relationship with an unhealthy partner. I learned in divorce care that it's wise not to get into another relationship for 2 years after you end a marriage or relationship.

[Artisan]

Dreamgirl ... . Wow, what you posted describes _exactly_ how I have been feeling and even uses words that I have used to illustrate how I feel !

Wow !

My chin hurts from hitting the floor so hard !

The recognition that I am protecting myself and frightened to step outside my cocoon of safety, AND the recognition that I am not living life to its fullest and that there is a need to 're-hatch.'

It's great to see somebody else express their story and dynamic.

MyWifeCrazy ... . what is ironic is that I felt very balanced and on track with my life. Very up-beat, believing in myself, and moving forward in life with confidence. I felt I was making a good choice with a healthy state of mind and balanced emotions. And though, I am working on aspects of myself, its more like fine-tuning a painting rather than having to address the underlying foundational brushstrokes.

It was the last thing I expected, that this amazing woman I met who is compatible in so many ways could, out of the blue, turn me into her enemy and treat me as one.

Skip ... . How does a person determine the essence of a PD and distinguish what is authentic behavior or inauthentic ?

SeekingBalance ... . Thank you for your response. Your approach is similar to my own, with one minor difference. As I work on myself, I also recognize that one day I'll be dead ; how much time do I want to invest in feeling broken, scared, and being imprisoned within my own fears of intimacy ? As I heal and move forward, I chafe at these invisible chains I've wrapped myself in and wish only to be whole, vibrant, and full of life and trust again. I remember who I was, though I am now a different person and am discovering what that means now.

[DreamGirl]

So Artisan - you've been split up for 8 months now?

In the last week you've admitted that you really still love her, but you know that it won't work. That's not really an indicator that you're ready to start dating. 

If you pick up any book out there about reconciling broken relationships (BPD ones or not) there is a common theme that it's not usually so much about what was wrong with the other person as it is about learning about yourself.

You allowed your boundaries and values to be compromised/busted in this last relationship. You did it in the name of... . ? Happiness? Fear? Desire? Martyrdom?

That's where the real questioning begins. Most of us aren't really knocked off our feet in this - even when so many of us say that we are. I don't know about us being fooled by the authenticity of others as it is about the masks we wear ourselves. It took me some time to finally be able to see the role I played in my own dysfunctional marriage (where the collateral damage of my husband's BPD relationship was the 7th guest at the dinner table). As much as I hated to admit it, and although I was not suffering from the same personality disorder as his former wife... . my husband picked me for a reason.

Because we pick partners who we feel comfortable with and we endure behavior because of our own coping skills, insecurities, fears, etc.

So you're in this shell with PTSD symptoms that are unresolved. It really doesn't sound like a way to live. In a state of fear. If you let your ego vacate the room... . then what's left? I found that when I was saying "I can't believe I put up with that for as long as I did"... . it was not a true statement. There was a very good reason (and I knew exactly why) I put up with it for as long as I did.

I didn't think I deserved any different. 

[seeking balance]

As I work on myself, I also recognize that one day I'll be dead ; how much time do I want to invest in feeling broken, scared, and being imprisoned within my own fears of intimacy ?

Oh, trust me when I say I didn't "plan" on this much time - this is hindsight talking for me - I was planning on being "fixed" within a year, 2 tops... .

Life works out at its own pace, not forcing a relationship but focusing on other life events has been good for me - not being desperate because of time or loneliness has helped me actually become more vulnerable now.  We all have different journeys and that repost from Dreamgirl hit me hard too... . the thing is, I am vulnerable and open now - I wouldn't have gotten here without the practice of learning to trust myself again.

There is a place of freedom, just beyond where I am currently at, where I can take what other people throw at me, and not hold it against them, because they are who they are, and I cant do anything about that. I cant change them, only accept them. Sure, I can talk to them, and try to help them, but it is ultimately their decision. I wont hold them personally responsible for my feelings on it, because it is their decision. I will just learn more about myself because of those feelings they induce in me. This process will help me figure out who I am, what I want, and what I dont. I welcome feelings of all types right now, because they are mine, and I am tuned into them, rather than reacting to misconceived feelings, like I did most of my adult life.

I am at freedom now - I am vulnerable and ok if it doesn't go my way, I can feel everything again and it really is ok - 3 years to get here, I am ok with that price - much more than ok.  (I probably wouldn't have said that 3 years ago, though).

[Boss302]

Now that I've decided to heal, move on and get back out in the world I am realizing that I am terrified of ending up in another relationship of emotional anarchy.

I'm frightened to open up and give of my heart and soul again ... . I was a sucker the first time, how could I ever know that somebody new won't blow up on me out of the blue for no reason ?

All of the women I meet are going through this filter of perception. And it isn't fair to them, or myself.

And I'm not even dating ; I'm taking the time to heal, self-nurture ... . yet, I do hope for love and a deeply committed relationship so I take notice of women who interest me.

If there is a single red flag, I immediately lose interest.

Perhaps my sensitivity is far too high, any trait that reminds me of the exBPDgf causes me to experience PTSD and I emotionally withdraw.

It feels as if its beyond my control, and something operating at a deeper and more instinctive, survival level part of myself.

Is this something that some of you have experienced ?

Oh, yeah, I probably have some PTSD symptoms. I think I realized it when I saw "Silver Linings Playbook" and found myself utterly terrified... . and angry. It was a movie about someone who was very sick but got better. My BPDx never did. Man, did that make me mad. And I can't even begin to handle a hint of dishonesty or game playing from people at work, or in my personal life. Those are all "buttons" left over from my marriage. But the more I learned about this illness, the more I learned that all of us have some of these traits to some extent. It's the extremity of the behaviors that pushes us to conclude someone's BPD. So I've been able to separate them.

And, yes, you can love again. 

[Artisan]

Oh ... . Dreamgirl ... . I can't even GET to the dating part. To quote from the original post : "And I'm not even dating ; I'm taking the time to heal, self-nurture ... . yet, I do hope for love and a deeply committed relationship so I take notice of women who interest me."

It is more a scenario where I see an intriguing woman and observe, and shut down.

So ... . I certainly AM NOT ready to be back 'in the field' and freely admit that. I have even told the women who have taken notice of me the same thing.

You said, "You allowed your boundaries and values to be compromised/busted in this last relationship. You did it in the name of... . ? Happiness? Fear? Desire? Martyrdom?"

Loneliness, Fear, Poor Boundaries, low self-esteem, a touch of the rescuing-nice-guy syndrome ... . AND the memories of how awesome the good times could be, the desire for companionship and intimacy, shared values and interests.

I feel and believe that I 'put up' or remained engaged from a sense of love, ethics, loyalty, faithfulness, and the belief that love can conquer all.

Though more and more, I wonder if I loved the IDEA of what it could be rather than the reality of what it was / is.

I'm aware of SOME (all? most?) of what I contributed / enabled / participated in at the emotional level and what was driving me ... . though certainly there are hidden fears and other things happening at the subconscious level which remain obfuscated.

BALANCE :

"Oh, trust me when I say I didn't "plan" on this much time - this is hindsight talking for me - I was planning on being "fixed" within a year, 2 tops... . "

Your response made me laugh and brought a big smile to my face.

How does this idea feel to you ?

Even though these types of relationships could cause a person to 'feel' broken ... . the truth is that we are still whole.

What is really happening is that the differences in perspectives / energies / relationship style ALWAYS have an influence on a person ... . and the alien / outside / perplexing emotional-mind dynamics take time to NOT UNDERSTAND but to integrate in regards to the self one has become as a result of those influences.

Boss :

Thank you for the response. I feel very similar ... . terrified ... . angry. MAD. And like you, any hint of games or gaslighting or making me wrong ... . any familiar behavior she exhibited ... . that button gets pushed.

Understanding that we all have some of these traits is part of what is so confusing for me and making me wonder if I AM THE CRAZY BPD EX !