Ex broke NC one week in

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

"Yesssss I know. Are you sure you don't want to get back together? I just want to make sure."

This seems lucid and reasonable to me.  What do you find so crazy about it?  Are you sure you aren't just having trouble accepting that things are over?

So then it's like uhhh ok, then stop texting me!

Why can't you stop texting her?  You keep responding.  In fact, you seem to be driving the interactions at this point with her responding to you.

I'm not trying to be cold with you, zenwrexler, but it really does seem to me that you are getting stuck.  I don't want you to have to suffer needlessly, man.  I think some distance might be very positive for both of you right now.   I know this is very hard to accept.  I really have been there too.  I know it's hard and I know it sucks, but you will get through this.  Focus on YOU for a while.  Several months.  You are very hurt and you need to heal.  Be good to yourself.  Nurture YOU.   

[cosmonaut]

"Yesssss I know. Are you sure you don't want to get back together? I just want to make sure."

This seems lucid and reasonable to me.  What do you find so crazy about it?  Are you sure you aren't just having trouble accepting that things are over?

So then it's like uhhh ok, then stop texting me!

Why can't you stop texting her?  You keep responding.  In fact, you seem to be driving the interactions at this point with her responding to you.

I'm not trying to be cold with you, zenwrexler, but it really does seem to me that you are getting stuck.  I don't want you to have to suffer needlessly, man.  I think some distance might be very positive for both of you right now.   I know this is very hard to accept.  I really have been there too.  I know it's hard and I know it sucks, but you will get through this.  Focus on YOU for a while.  Several months.  You are very hurt and you need to heal.  Be good to yourself.  Nurture YOU.   

[zenwexler]

I keep responding because she is so persistent. She never leaves me alone! If she's falling for this guy why is she texting me all the time in through the night! It's bizarre, it's hurtful, and it's confusing. 

[cosmonaut]

It's bizarre, it's hurtful, and it's confusing. 

I agree with you there, but she is seriously disordered.  This is common BPD behavior.  There are a great many stories on this forum about BPD exes doing these same sort of behaviors.

Have you asked her not to contact you any further, or at least give you time to detach and you will contact her when you are ready?  If she has refused to respect that, can you block her?

[zenwexler]

I have gone no contact so many times. I told her we can't be friends and all that. I told her not to contact me, unless she is single or ever wants to rehash things. EVERY time I go no contact she hunts me down. she texts me, comes up with crazy emergencies like she cut herself, car accident, she needs surgery, or just the casual hey you, just checking in on you, how's everything. We should get together and catch up!

Every time. That's why I stick around, because she REFUSES to let me go

[cosmonaut]

If that's the case, then you will probably have to block her.  There are ways to do that in iOS, and your carrier can institute a block as well, although it may cost you some money.  Your healing and sanity are worth every penny, though.  If she still contacts you, via other numbers, you may have to change your number.  The final option is a restraining order.  Be absolutely sure that you do not encourage her to contact you in any way.  If she won't respect boundaries, then she has unfortunately made strict NC necessary.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  Detaching and healing are hard enough without these additional complications.  Hang in there.

[zenwexler]

Thank you for your support. I don't know If I have the strength to fully block her. Because every time she reaches out I take it as a sign she hasn't let me go.

[cosmonaut]

I think that's where learning more about BPD might help.  It helps to have some context as to why your ex is behaving this way.  She has a primal need to attach to others.  It is believed that this is due to the highly undeveloped sense of self that pwBPD have.  This need for attachment is overwhelming because they don't see themselves as capable of being an independent self, so they need to utilize someone else's self.  Not having an attachment is a very difficult and frightening time for a pwBPD, and that is why they very often have another attachment lined up before they break off an older attachment.  It is also why pwBPD often try to keep their exes "in reserve" as a backup attachment in case the new attachment fails.  I believe that this is what your ex is doing to you.  It is very much her disorder at work.

I think you are stronger than you think.  You just need to dig deep enough to block her this once and it will be easier from there.  It will take time to heal, but it will be so much easier without her keeping you on the hook.  Dig deep.  You can do it!   

[zenwexler]

I have done this so many times. But I read it takes roughly six times to finally pull away from an abusive/BPD partner. And here we go, this is my 6th time. Although I am doing this for real this time. I am going to need a ton of support. I am going to delete her from my facebook, remove her pictures. And block her number. She finally even admitted to me that she is mean to me. She claims she does it because she thinks I still have feelings for her so she gets defensive. Such BS. She also told me she's falling for her new guy. Oh yeah? then why are you texting me all the time!

It ends now. She doesn't know what love is, she won't for a very long time if ever. She doesn't know how to have a healthy and happy relationship. It's over. I tried, and I tried and I tried. I literally did everything for her. When she would attack me I absorbed it like a champ. She just pushed harder. She would try and paint me black, convince herself that I'm not good. I would just roll with it. Be sweet and nice, literally just killing her with kindess. It only made her more mean! She's the definition of crazy. The definition of walking on eggshells, the definition of I hate you don't leave me.

But I am leaving. I can't live like this anymore. It's time for me to listen to my friends, family, therapist, and you fine people. You all tell me she's crazy, abusive, not nice. You all tell me she will never change, that she's not happy and never will be, no matter who she's dating. You all tell me to get out while I still can.

Her crazy has made me feel crazy for too long.  And I worked to darn hard to become the man that I am today. I've been through way too much in this world. I have suffered a ton. And I will not be brought down any more. I won't let this girl, this 20 year old child who has no perception of reality make me feel like I am crazy. That I am worthless, unlovable, that it's my fault she treats me the way she does. Even when she admits to being mean to me. It does matter, even her self-awareness doesn't help her change. I'm not the hopeless one. I'm not the sick one, I'm not the crazy one, the abusive one. SHE IS. And it's time I step down of this roller coaster once and for all.

You're support, words of wisdom, and advice are always much much appreciated. Thank you all so much.

[cosmonaut]

I think you are taking a huge step toward a better future, zenwexler.     It is not at all easy to let go of our pwBPD, and it takes a great deal of strength and courage to do so.  You should be very proud.  The bond we formed with our pwBPD are extremely loaded and powerful.  It is indeed hard to break.  Don't feel badly at all about having to restart.  I had to do the same.  Most of us here have went back to our ex or tried to do so at one point.  This is a very trying experience, but you are showing great strength and resolve to overcome it.   

I know you will need support - we all do.  Keep posting.  Everyone here understands how difficult what you are doing is.  Whenever you feel down or that you might contact your ex, post here first.  This board is wonderful to help sort out what's best for us.  Are you seeing a therapist?  I have been seeing one, and she has been extremely helpful in coming to grips with everything.  I've made some important realizations with her.  If you aren't see anyone, maybe you should consider doing so.  It might really help you through this process.

Hang in there, zenwexler.  You have just started down a new road, but one that will lead you to far greener pastures.  Keep going.  We're here for you! 

[zenwexler]

I am not seeing a therapist yet since I moved. I have made a few calls to try and set something up. It's already so hard. I officially blocked her on my phone. The next step is defriending her on Facebook. I'm scared to do this. I'm scared to keep her number blocked. I already think to myself what if she's trying to get in contact with me? But I'm also relieved because I know if my phone vibrates it can't be her. And I know as soon as I defriend her she'll try and text me. And I won't even see it. I never even said good bye this time.