A Realisation I made recently - There are no happy memories

[Ihope2]

It dawned on me the other day.  I was together with my soon to be ex BPDH for just under a year.  11 months. There are no fond, joyful and happy memories we made together. Nothing. Everything was tainted with misery, suffering, anger, despair, hopelessness, negativity and a complete and utter lack of joy.

I had a dream about him the other night.  He was living in an apartment with a view of the ocean.  The rooms were spacious.  He had a mattress on the floor of his bedroom,  there was a drain in the centre of the floor, and there was blood draining down.  On the walls of his room, there were these dark stains, bloodstains that had been wiped away but unable to remove completely from the white paint on the wall.  In my dream I had a heavy feeling:  all this blood. Why does he cut himself so much, how can he lose so much vital life-force blood, and still live?

In the dream, I then opened a chest of drawers very reluctantly, to remove some of my clothing and take it with me.  I noticed some documents and saw that he was trying to start some legal thing against me, so I just closed the drawer, thinking - he must do what he wants to do, it has nothing more to do with me.

Then I walked past his bathroom on my way out, in the dream, and he was in the bathtub, saying to me "Come and bath with me?"  (symbolic for cleansing and renewing himself and the relationship?) and I just said "I cannot bath with you, I must be going, goodbye" and I ran down a flight of stairs and got into my motor car and drove away.

I remember this dream so vividly.  It is loaded with symbolism for me.  How he self-harms and literally the life-blood drains out of him.  How he drained the life out of me.  How our relationship was ebbing away day by day.  How he could not see beauty in anything:  the ocean, a big spacious room.  How he painted his pain (blood) on the walls for all to see.  It was all just about his pain, all the time.

The dream was also about me taking my stuff and removing it from his stuff. Leaving his stuff in the chest of drawers.  Removing myself from his life.  Disentangling myself.  Knowing that I can't stay in this, I must go. There is nothing to recycle, nothing to cleanse and renew... .

[arjay]

It is amazing how you have been able to find clarity in the chaos; in the hurricane; in the misery. For some this takes much longer, because we become so beaten down we doubt ourselves, our core beliefs, our personal sense of self and more.  We can often get to the point of feeling responsible for their well-being, for their pain; for the chaos in general.  Like the person that jumps off the boat without a life jacket, yells for help; we pull them out to safety only to watch them repeat. "No-thing to cleanse and renew" were you words and shows you have clarity of thought, something we can lose over time while engaged.

Detaching and moving on for me did take hard work and time together with counseling which did include taking personal inventory.  It did lead to a better life.  My "ex" survived just fine and in fact has had several relationships since.  I believe she dealt with the transition better than me.  It spoke to their ability to cope and move on, in spite of the fear we may have of them being "a baby bird that fell out of the nest into a hostile world".

Peace

[Ihope2]

Thank you Arjay, this has actually been one in a few dysfunctional relationships I have been in in my adult years.  So all in all, 13 years of dysfunctional relationships, repeating the same patterns over and over.  This relationship was the most extreme and took the most out of me, although it was the shortest of all my relationships to date.  It was time for me to wake up at the age of almost 45 years, to how inauthentically I had been living in my rescuer role with such damaged partners... .

I am still in for a lot of hard, honest, biting work to uncover my authentic self and heal my inner child.

[hergestridge]

Me and my BPDw has been together for 20 years and I have come to realize that mots of the "good times" have  been time that I have spent of my own. It's easy to mix things up.

I recall a certain period of time when we lived in that particular house, and life was really nice. My memory is playing tricks on me because it erases my wife out of it. She's allways been making my life more or less miserable with her inpredicteability and her guilt imposing.

It's really difficult to appreciate the "good times" with my BPDw even when she's in a good mood, because it's got nothing to do with me or the situation. It's all about her and her mood/mania.

All the times we've been to a good restaurant my memory is that she's either in a sulking/complaining type mood which of course ruins everything. Or she's in the "Oh, this is AMAZING" mood", which is almost more irritating. Especially since I know she will start being annoyed with me any minute for not being enhtusiastic enough.

So, no. Not many happy memories. I have many happy memories of my own life during those 20 years. Occasionally she's been along for the ride and that's been fine. But that's been very rarely.

I remember a car trip through europe some years ago. A couple of days were fantastic. We had the best time ever. Day three she just went berzerk. Wouldn't let me drive the car. Said I had forced her to make this trip she'd never agreed to go on etc. She just destroyed everything.

For me personally, memories are very important. I know what did each year of my life and I know my own "biography". That's just how I work.

[Ihope2]

It is sad when we are in a relationship, but yet we are so alone. 

When I read your post, Hergestridge, I was reminded of how with another exbf, with whom I spent 2 years in a relationship (I am sure he has NPD), we did a lot of interesting activities together and went to interesting places for weekends away. We also often went to eat out.  And the memories I have of those years, is that he was always in a big mood or sulk about something and giving me the silent treatment. 

And there are also memories I have of my childhood, as a teenager, my mom, brother, NPD stepfather and I also did a road trip for about a month, it was supposed to be a happy time, it was school holidays and we were driving around the USA, Yosemite National Park, California, Grand Canyon, Texas.  My stepfather ruined the whole thing, he also destroyed everything. He shouted at my mother for not reading a map properly. He got all moody and sulky and either yelled at her and us, or gave us the silent treatment.

How sad, when there is the potential to enjoy such special, interesting, once-in-a-lifetime experiences with others, and yet the only memories that remain are a constantly prevailing atmosphere of  moodiness, anger, sulkiness, and  bitterness.  So sad.

[hergestridge]

Mindfullness is one of the core concepts of DBT, so obviously it's one of the things pwDBT have a problem with - do be there in the present and experience something non-judgmenentally. No wonder we don't have a lot of shared memories. She wasn't even there. She was too caught up in her own worries, feelings or expectations.