This is hell

[tristesse]

So my BPDD had a Dr. appointment for her son this A.M... NBPDD was going to take them, but the booster seat was locked in brothers car, who was at DR. with pregnant girlfriend. NBPDD refused to take them without proper safety seat, ( wise choice on her part ) but BPDD had a full on rage because it had taken her weeks to get this appointment, and the child needed to be seen so his place in the kindergarten of choice will be secure. Mean while I am at work, on the phone in my office conducting business when this all takes place. BPDD is steadily calling me on the cell, but of course I can't pick up because I am on a business call, so she texts , all caps FU-- ! only she left nothing blank. As soon as I could end the business call I did, and I called her immediately, too late, she was in full blown rage. I offered to bring the seat from my car , but she wouldn't listen to what I saying and was telling me she didn't need my $%#@*&^ drama.

I ended the call and left the office, took her the seat and came back to work without saying a word. I am now in a place where I feel sorry for myself, I am angry at non BPDD for not just coming to get the damn seat and angry at BPDD for treating me like crap when I wasn't even present ( as always ). I feel like there is never a good day, and this will never end because nobody is invested in her healing but me. Every other member of the family just gets mad, they refuse to learn or understand and will not listen when I try to explain about triggers or anything to do with BPD. I feel always caught in the middle and at my breaking point.

I also feel like I have to advocate for my BPDD because nobody else will, but it jeopardizes my other relationships, ( husband and non BPD kids ). I am living in HELL and just want peace in my life. overwhelmed with sadness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

First of all  

It is truly horrible when we are in the middle like this, we can't control the responses of other family members.

I was trying to talk to DH this morning prior to DD visiting. I was saying that she has limitations because she has this disorder and asking him to bear that in mind. All I was getting back was "stop making excuses, I'm drawing a line ,I've tolerated enough now" :'(

I think posting on here helps.

When you get home I think I would just try to validate that it must have been worrying to think she was going to miss the appointment but avoid criticizing your other DD.

However-DH has made me think and I know I'm not very good at boundaries.

I am resolved this time to try to set a boundary about DD swearing at me in an aggressive way over things I can't control.

Something like " I appreciate that you are very stressed about this and I want to help solve the problem but I do not like being sworn at and will put down the phone if you continue"

Would something like this work for you?

It is truly horrible to be put in the middle like this. Do look after yourself and retreat from the situation if you need to.

When things are calmer it might help to look at the information on triangulation

[tristesse]

I have read about triangulation,and that is why I didn't engage either daughter in conversation, I just took the car seat and left it and came back to work.

I am also very bad at boundaries because I can't tolerate the back lash, and then I worry myself absolutely sick.

My biggest issue is that I can't flip the switch on my own feelings and emotions, and although logically I should be firm, or more empathetic, or whatever the case is for a specific situation, My mothers heart always take over. I hurt deeply when any one of children hurts. They are all adults by the way, but I am unable to dis-connect.

I want peace and harmony in my family, but fear it will never happen.

I carry a lot of self blame for this BPD NIGHTMARE. What did I do wrong, what did I miss in her early years, how could I have stopped this? How did I allow my baby to be so mentally traumatized that she had to shut down? How did I miss the warning signs? Where do I go from here? Literally feels like purgatory.

[lever.]

I do identify with all of this.

Guilt whether warranted or not sometimes clouds our judgement.

I too am afraid of the backlash when I set boundaries.

Mindfulness meditation has helped me.

I found a site with mindfulness scripts from Canada (hamilton mindfulness I think).

In it is a script where we are invited to visualize ourselves as a mountain. The seasons change sometimes we are bathed in beautiful sunlight sometimes buffeted by terrible storms - but we remain beautiful and stable. It helps me to do that.

Also I remember a verse about love:

"Love is a great thing-a great and thorough good,

By itself it makes everything that is heavy light, and bears evenly all that is uneven"

Concentrating on these things helps me to calm my own emotions.

I do sympathise, I know how horrible it feels

[jellibeans]

Dear  bpetersen514

I am so sorry you had such a terrible morning... . I do think you handled it well and I know that sadness that comes with these kinds of meltdowns. As a mother if my dd hurts then I hurt... . what helps me now is that I try to look at it this way. Sometimes my dd needs to feel the hurt in the situation so she can learn and grow. She is the mother and it is her responsibility to be prepared to take her child to the DR... . no one elses... . you brought the seat but you are right your other dd could have helped too. You were really put in a no win situation... . don't be hard on yourself... . I think you did what you could in the situation... . you are not to blame for your dd's disorder

[tristesse]

Thank you jellibeans for your kind words. I think sometimes I just need to vent. I have my little pity party and then get on with life. I do hate this disease, more than I can express, but will continue to fight for her recovery until my last breath. I think I want it more,than she does because she's afraid of life. I am in better placecmentally tonight, and I credit that to this wonderful place to vent.

[mimis]

Dear bpeterson514

Totally understand where you are coming from.  My UDD is continually calling me or texting me in a crisis.  She uses the same language as yours.  I too work in office and often times in meetings.  I know exactly how you feel, you are working and then that darn cell rings or vibrates mad then you see her text.  You get that sinking feeling in your stomach right? Then you are in reactive mode, how do I fix this? Sound similar! Her problem has now become yours. We fall in the same pattern because we love our child so much, we often use their illness as an excuse for their behavior. I like you don't know how onset firm boundaries.  MynH and other D lecture me constantly on how I enable her and that she needs to hit rock bottom and learn to fend for herself.  I argue with them that she is my child, can't do that. I blame myself too and constantly wonder if I missed something as she was growing up.  I fear for her as she is 22, her boyfriend left and most of all her friends.   I fear she will never find love or acceptance. 

I know I have to set boundaries, I am reading a book right now called " You don't have to make everything better" it has good advice which I am going to try. Keeping my fingers crossed that I may learn something here. 

Just know that I feel your pain.  This site is just the place to vent after we have a very good cry. 

Mimis

[tristesse]

mimis, you hit the nail on the head with this one.