What do I need to consider

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am planning on leaving my husband and to be honest the only thing that is holding me back at this point is that this is an abusive man and I am going to fear for my life once I leave. I have read a lot on this site and it says he is more likely to come after me once I leave. I would like to know what I should expect. I may need to get a restraining order against him. He has threatened to hurt or kill me many times. He's also told me he would stalk me and if he saw me with another man he would kill me. I have no desire to date again. My husband is a low functioning pwBPD and he also has brain damage and severe PTSD. He does black out when he gets really mad so he is very capable of hurting me or my family. Problem is I don't want to call the cops on him if I don't have to. We are renting a place and I am paying all the bills at this point. He just got approved for disability payments and in about a month he will start getting them as well as a large check for back pay. This gives me hope that he may be able to take care of himself somewhat because before now if I left he wouldn't have any way of doing anything. Anyways, he doesn't ever leave our home so it will be impossible for me to pack and leave without him knowing. We also have two dogs that I am worried about. I feel like if I left them with him then maybe he would be more likely to leave me alone, but I also fear he would hurt them to get back at me. I am planning on living with my parents and I can't take the dogs with me because they have so many already. I don't have a lot of stuff most of our funiture was his and the rest of it just isn't that important to me. however I don't want this to be a rushed attempt at leaving by leaving everything behind that I do want. I don't see any way of packing without him intimidating me. He tells me on most days that he wants a divorce and wants me to leave, outright tells me to pack and leave. When I start packing my stuff he gets mad that I am actually doing it. Other days he just tries to kick me out with nothing. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed and hopeless most of all living like this. I have been waiting for the right moment they say timing is everything but I feel like the right moment isn't going to come. 

At this point I'm not even worried about getting a divorce I just want to separate and be free of him. How do I do it with out devastating my life? I've asked on the Undecided boards and I'm not really Undecided anymore. They haven't really given much feedback. He has been planning on buying a home in another state. I have played along with it so far because I just don't want to deal with the rage It's getting to a point where we have to decide what to do and start making permanent plans. I don't want to commit to something that I don't plan on doing. I don't feel I can leave until he gets his money which is going to be at least a month from now. Any advice would be really appreciated.

[Cloudy Days]

I am planning on leaving my husband and to be honest the only thing that is holding me back at this point is that this is an abusive man and I am going to fear for my life once I leave. I have read a lot on this site and it says he is more likely to come after me once I leave. I would like to know what I should expect. I may need to get a restraining order against him. He has threatened to hurt or kill me many times. He's also told me he would stalk me and if he saw me with another man he would kill me. I have no desire to date again. My husband is a low functioning pwBPD and he also has brain damage and severe PTSD. He does black out when he gets really mad so he is very capable of hurting me or my family. Problem is I don't want to call the cops on him if I don't have to. We are renting a place and I am paying all the bills at this point. He just got approved for disability payments and in about a month he will start getting them as well as a large check for back pay. This gives me hope that he may be able to take care of himself somewhat because before now if I left he wouldn't have any way of doing anything. Anyways, he doesn't ever leave our home so it will be impossible for me to pack and leave without him knowing. We also have two dogs that I am worried about. I feel like if I left them with him then maybe he would be more likely to leave me alone, but I also fear he would hurt them to get back at me. I am planning on living with my parents and I can't take the dogs with me because they have so many already. I don't have a lot of stuff most of our funiture was his and the rest of it just isn't that important to me. however I don't want this to be a rushed attempt at leaving by leaving everything behind that I do want. I don't see any way of packing without him intimidating me. He tells me on most days that he wants a divorce and wants me to leave, outright tells me to pack and leave. When I start packing my stuff he gets mad that I am actually doing it. Other days he just tries to kick me out with nothing. I'm so overwhelmed and depressed and hopeless most of all living like this. I have been waiting for the right moment they say timing is everything but I feel like the right moment isn't going to come. 

At this point I'm not even worried about getting a divorce I just want to separate and be free of him. How do I do it with out devastating my life? I've asked on the Undecided boards and I'm not really Undecided anymore. They haven't really given much feedback. He has been planning on buying a home in another state. I have played along with it so far because I just don't want to deal with the rage It's getting to a point where we have to decide what to do and start making permanent plans. I don't want to commit to something that I don't plan on doing. I don't feel I can leave until he gets his money which is going to be at least a month from now. Any advice would be really appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

At this point, your safety is the number one priority.  In comparison, whether he has money or whatever means little.  He's an adult and he has access to services.  If your safety takes a protection or restraining order, then do that.  Don't feel sorry for him, not at this point, your safety and fears come first.  Do you have any witnesses or documentation of his threats?

Likely there is a DV shelter or service in your area that can help you confidentially plan your exit.  If an incident occurs, then don't hesitate to call the police for the emergency responders to come and protect you as you exit.

Is this your apartment or his?  Have you consulted confidentially with some family law attorneys?

Notice I repeated "confidentially".  You have a right to feel safe.  If that means not sharing your plans with your spouse then so be it.  Safety first.

I don't feel I can leave until he gets his money which is going to be at least a month from now.

Sorry, safety trumps being thoughtful.  Despite his issues, he is still an adult.  There are services available to him if he really needs help.  At this point you need to put YOU first.  If that means you living separately from him, then do that, even if that means it is tomorrow.  Take care of yourself first, the rest will fall into place.

Meanwhile - quietly - start copying documents you might need later, deeds, titles, loans, passports, lease agreements, bank & credit accounts, etc.  Doing it now is helpful in case he later destroys them or refuses access to them.  Don't sign for any new obligations (such as anything for his new house).  Life is already complicated enough as it is, don't help him make it even more complicated.  Same with family law attorney consultations, you need to know what the laws are in your state and local area.  Make sure the lawyer knows it has to be 100% confidential, no bills, receipts or paperwork sent to your home.  If an address is needed, make sure it is only for reference and nothing to be mailed there until you're out.

Be aware that many controllers and manipulators are sharp enough to notice a person's change in attitude.  Even if you don't mention leaving, he may pick up the vibes, so try to act as you usually do until you decide to leave or you're forced to flee.

Remember too, you have a right to privacy.  You share only the information you feel is appropriate.  That includes possible attempts at interrogations.  (Many of our ex-spouses were expert interrogators, so be aware that you have a right not to be interrogated.)  If the marriage was being fixed, then you would be able to share things.  But that failed.  Since it's ending then you have to be very careful of what you share since he could try to use it against you.  Loose lips sink ships.  Again, you have a right to privacy.

[Cloudy Days]

His mother has seen what he is capable of and she is in my corner with anything that I would need. He also has a violent history and has had charges pressed against him for hitting me about two years ago. He has a criminal record and I'm sure his therapist would confirm that he could be dangerous, If I feel I am at risk all I have to do is tell her. There's plenty of evidence of his violent behavior and what he is capable of.

The main reason I wanted to wait on him getting his money is because he has talked about taking off to another state without me. If he had his money he would be more likely to leave me alone, he wouldn't be stuck in a home without funds to do anything. Just trying to think of the best way to do it. Another problem I have is that we only have one car, and his mother is paying for it so most likely he won't let me take the car.

The place we live in is in both of our names. I think I have been waiting for something to happen that would make me never turn back. He's hit me on several occasions but I have never truly feared for my life. I think my screwed up mind is waiting for that feeling but I don't want to wait that long obviously. I read the book Betrayal bonds. It was very eye opening and it made me see that this relationship will never get better and it has been getting worse. Thank You for your advice.

[ForeverDad]

Fact is, you don't need to fear for your life to have basis to leave.  Hitting is just plain wrong.  He will try to excuse it but still, no excuse.  Any cop will tell you that.  Any DV counselor will tell you that.  However, we know you were emotionally vested and could not quickly walk away.

Actually, in most states no basis is needed to separate or divorce.  Some states have waiting periods for the divorce process in hopes things cool off, but no court will force you to physically stay.  You could leave right now and no court would force you to go back.  More or less, marriage is considered a voluntary relationship.

Fact:  Most people arriving here and becoming members are facing serious issues.  And a common factor for many is that (1) we we are fixers and either tried to fix things and/or (2) felt a huge commitment to keep trying.  Sadly, it takes two cooperating together to have a healthy and functional marriage.  Likely you've stuck with the marriage far longer than most of the general public would have.  Just like many members here, myself included, who didn't know when the marriage was just too far gone and irreparably dysfunctional.  And staying too long can put us at unnecessary risk.

Really, don't you think he could survive one month without you?  After all, if you're gone he would probably get his mother to help him or social services, etc.

About the car... . whose name is on the title?  That's the owner.  And if there's a loan then whose name(s) are responsible for payment?  If you can't afford the payments or his mother won't pay for you then maybe you should find a cheap but reliable car for yourself.

[Cloudy Days]

Actually, in most states no basis is needed to separate or divorce.  Some states have waiting periods in hopes things cool off, but no court will force you to stay.  You could leave right now and no court would force you to go back.  More or less, marriage is considered a voluntary relationship.

Yes I know this, I have emotions wrapped up in this relationship too. I know for sure I want to leave, but when I am in front of him, in the moment I can't make the choice to walk out. It's almost as if I feel paralyzed. The mind games he plays throw me for a loop too. I've been married to him for 9 years and the kicker that made me really start considering leaving was a Vacation in January. It was something I was really looking forward to and he pretty much ruined it for everyone involved. It just made me realize this isn't the life that I want. So since January I have been thinking about leaving, right now I am planning it out, the next step after that is going through with it, which is the hardest part. 

[ForeverDad]

9 years?  Check your state's laws.  Some might have laws that specify 10 years to be considered a long marriage and potentially grant alimony to the other spouse.  If he doesn't work, you don't want a court to order you to pay your abuser alimony simply because you were the one who was responsible enough to work but stayed too long.  I not saying that would happen, but it could.  Even during a divorce you as the one working might be ordered to pay him spousal support.  If you haven't already, get some free or inexpensive legal consultations so you know where you stand legally.

pwBPD are often triggered by events such as births, marriages, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries, moves, vacations, etc.

That first step is the hardest.  After that it gets easier, once you're on the path you just keep going.

[Iforget]

Cloudy days, I understand how hard it is. It probably feels silly at times that you can't leave then terrifying the next. If he hits you again, dial 911. Do it right away, don't mull over it. Just give them your address. You don't have to say anything else, they will show up.When the police come, get a restraining order, call the domestic abuse hotline. The police officers will have the number. Those people will help you through everything. Please be careful.

[livednlearned]

It's almost as if I feel paralyzed.

It is a kind of paralysis. For me, it felt like waiting for a bomb to go off on one hand, or learning how to detonate the bomb on the other. Both seemed likely to blow me to smithereens.

But detonating the bomb is possible. You have friends here. You're smart. You also probably have an incredibly heightened sense about where the eggshells are. Trust your instincts. If agreeing to buy a house means you have an opportunity to get out safely, do that. If staying until he gets his money makes sense, do that. If the law states that marriage under 10 years is less alimony, take that into account. Meanwhile, like FD said, go to a DV center or call a hotline and start thinking about what you need to do. At first, it feels daunting to put together a safety plan, but doing so will help you start to see options. It might even make you feel hopeful. So many other women (and men) have walked this path. You'll meet a lot of people along the way who understand what you're feeling, how frightening this is, and they'll also be able to tell you how they did it, how they're doing on the other side. 

If you can, keep a journal about what's happening and store it at work in a safe place. Have a good safety plan in case he senses that you are changing and escalates the abuse.

I had to create a double life in order to leave safely. My ex escalated a week before I had planned to leave. I'm so relieved I had a plan in place, even if it didn't go completely smoothly. The voice that's telling you to leave is incredibly powerful -- it's a sign that you're strong, that you know you're worth it.

[Cloudy Days]

Well I think my husband may have made this all so much easier, or harder depending on how you look at it. He was arrested this morning for making threats to someone from social security over the phone. Something that happened last week. He's in some serious crap this time. I'm just hoping they don't turn around and let him out tomorrow. I told the officer that I don't really want him to get out and that I was thinking of leaving. I feel numb and not sure what to do.

[ForeverDad]

It was very good you are not inclined to bail him out.  He may get out on OR, but don't help him since it wouldn't be helping you.  Don't feel guilted or obligated.  He did this to himself, literally.  Let him face his consequences.

Hmm, he's away?  Step outside your normal thinking pattern, step outside the box:  Why should you be the one to leave?  What about him leaving?  After all, he's already gone temporarily.

If it's his house or if you don't want the house or can't afford the house, then maybe you don't want to do that.  But if it needs to be sold at some point, such as to get your equity in this asset, then maybe this is a strategy to contemplate.  Many here have remarked on the difficulties in selling a house when divorcing a pwBPD, if the spouse refuses to move out, to prep the house for showings, to sign the paperwork for listings, showings, and sale.  If you had residency than much of that would be under your control.

If you haven't gotten legal consultations yet, then now is a good time.  You need to know what the pros & cons are.  Delaying may give you time to get better organized but it has also been remarked that there is no perfect time to act, so waiting for the perfect time is likely to be self-sabotaging and take forever.

You mentioned before that he's wanting to move, why can't this be the time for that, right?

You mentioned you can't pack because he's always there.  Well, he's gone, are you going to take advantage of this 'gift horse' opportunity and pack now?

So... . what do you think?  Let this be his move-out date?  Let this be your move-out date?

[ForeverDad]

My point is that this can be an opportunity for you - and you get to decide what that opportunity is.  But inaction can lose it for you.  They'll probably process him and let him out, possibly not today, but perhaps tomorrow or Monday or whenever.

Be prepared emotionally for a call from him asking to be bailed out or picked up.  Can you handle that?  Can you be strong enough not to rescue him from himself?  Rescuing didn't work in the past, it won't work now.

[GaGrl]

ForeverDad makes an excellent point here.

If you want or need to stay in the house and make sure he doesn't come back, move NOW to get a Restraining Order so that he can't get back in the house.

If you have no interest in the house or don't want/need to stay, move NOW to pack your belongings and get out.  Don't tell him where you're going.

Even if it's you leaving, you may still want/need to get an RO to protect yourself.  He sounds very unstable right now, and the fact he's in jail for threats is the absolute best reasoning for obtaining the RO.

[ForeverDad]

Him go or you go, note how either option mentioned above mentioned getting an RO.  If it would have been hard to get one before due to lack of documentation, it isn't hard now.  Don't wait a month for his money to start coming or whatever.  Believe me, if you do nothing, then a month from now you'll likely obligate yourself to yet another Excuse to put off leaving.

While getting legal advice from legal consultations is good, that could take some time to schedule, gather data, file and whatever else.  Contact your local DV shelter for advice, ideas, options, strategies, etc since you'll get good short term suggestions - as in TODAY NOW advice.

Do you have local and trusted friends/family?  (trusted as in your friends, your family)  Let them know of your plight.  Let them help guide you in the things you need to do, contacting DV resources, assisting in court paperwork, finding a place to go, packing, gathering/ copying documents, packing items you don't want to risk disappearing, etc.

Rather than view today's events as a stressful disaster, view it as a gift, a gentle prodding in the right direction.

[Cloudy Days]

He could have gotten out yesterday but he stated he didn't understand the charges against him and told them he wasn't taking his medication. They are keeping him to do a psychological evaluation and to get him stabilized on medication, it's going to take at least a month if not more. I was very numb yesterday. Today I keep having bouts of crying but at least I get some time to process things at this point. I felt very overwhelmed yesterday.

[ForeverDad]

Did you contact your local DV support services?  That's very important.  While what just happened wasn't focused on you, the fact is you've been experiencing DV regularly in the past and it could happen again at any time once he's back.  We know you need to absorb this impact, but you also can't ignore moving forward.  Sadly, inaction is not a good choice in these situations.  Taking charge of your life is much better than letting life happen to you!  Use this time and space from him to gather emotional strength to start rebuilding your life.  The sooner the better.

Here's the first step... . click on the EMERGENCY button below and select the Protocol for Domestic Violence.

[livednlearned]

Here's the first step... . click on the EMERGENCY button below and select the Protocol for Domestic Violence.

CloudyDays,

The psych eval and containment of your H is a gift . You wrote:

At this point I'm not even worried about getting a divorce I just want to separate and be free of him. How do I do it with out devastating my life?

You can talk anonymously to DV counselors. My experience is that it's best to call a few times and talk to different people. Some are very good, others are young and inexperienced -- hearts in the right place, but might not have as much knowledge.

FD is right that you have to do something now. It will be uncomfortable and strange for a while, and likely overwhelming. But there is nothing like being free. To live without a feeling of dread, to be able to walk into your home, knowing there isn't someone there who is always angry, who threatens you, who devalues you. It's priceless.

Your ex has been removed and you can now make plans to start a new life. You have friends here who will share their experiences, and that peer support will go a long ways.



Let us know how you're doing.

LnL

[Cloudy Days]

I'm a pretty big mess right now. I'm at work and I just keep crying in the middle of doing things. I finally got to talk to him, he screamed at me the entire time, he doesn't understand the charges and no one seems to be telling him anything. I am going to talk to a therapist on Monday, it's the soonest I could get in. She is the same therapist he was seeing and she knows that I have been at least thinking about leaving him, I was seeing her too for awhile earlier this year. She knows him best so I think she will be able to help me with what steps I should take and how to process my extreme emotions.

I'm renting right now and if he does get out he's going need somewhere to go. I think I may just move all my stuff out to my parents house and keep paying the rent on the place for now. I wish I was able to go to a place and be by myself with my dogs. My parents house isn't a cake walk either. I think that's what makes the decision so much harder. I would be trading someone who is insane for three drunks. Not exactly a peaceful environment either, but preferable over living in fear. 

[Cloudy Days]

FD is right that you have to do something now. It will be uncomfortable and strange for a while, and likely overwhelming. But there is nothing like being free. To live without a feeling of dread, to be able to walk into your home, knowing there isn't someone there who is always angry, who threatens you, who devalues you. It's priceless.

And thank you for saying this, I may have been a emotional mess last night but I felt free. I know that I need to remind myself of the bad times. I know I am addicted to him, and I always have a tendency to want to rescue him. He really didn't deserve what's going on right now and that breaks my heart. But I also keep thinking it is God answering my prayers, because he really is awful to me and I would probably never have walked away unless he had done something life threatening.

[ForeverDad]

"he screamed at me the entire time" -  you knew he would do that.  A reasonable person would know that when in a corner you have to reach out for help, not chase them away.  But as sad as it is, you can't save him.  You've tried for year and years and got nowhere and ended up in worse straits.  We've used this example before... . Someone is drowning and you jump in to save him.  With all that's happening, you're nearly drowned yourself, but you barely manage to get out and drag the person out too, kicking and screaming.  Expecting endless thanks, the person shocks you and jumps right back in the water screaming he's drowning.  What are you going to do, risk your life and health again?

Read:  The Bridge

Focus on YOU - Please, when you see the therapist, focus as much as you can on yourself, your recovery, your future, don't get stuck going around in circles about him and his behaviors. That will do nothing to benefit you.  It is what it is.  While he may change some day, you know it won't be you doing it, so don't waste your limited funds talking about him, work on yourself and figuring out how to find your happy future.

Hmm, why not print out a copy of The Bridge and discuss the lesson with the therapist?  Also, write down or print out some of our other suggestions here.  It will help keep your session focused on you (solutions) and not the unchanging him (problems).

I recall the first night my ex was away - as with you, carted off by the police.  With my ex gone it was so quiet the silence was deafening!  And oh so peaceful. 

[Cloudy Days]

I have a really hard time letting go. I'm going focus on asking her how to detach from him and let him go. I don't want to have these feelings for him anymore. Just because I don't want them doesn't mean they are going to go away. My parents have an old house they said they would let me live in. It's got some problems on it though, and it needs better doors though if I am to feel safe. It's right down the street from the police station though, which would be good.

[ForeverDad]

Point your head in the right direction and walk that path and in time your heart will follow, just give your emotions time to adjust and recover.

Meanwhile, if you do move to that house, tell your parents they have to be very strict and not allow you to give in under pressure or manipulation to let him move in with you there.  That principle applies to anywhere you decide to live.  I'm serious, right now you're emotionally vulnerable and at risk of caving in to his pressuring, manipulating, guilting, conning, etc.  That way when he pressures you or guilts you, as he surely will, claiming he has nowhere to go, then it won't be up to barely-recovered you, you can honestly say the terms of your residential agreement are that it is only for you and you alone.  Yes, it's called 'passing the buck' - letting others be the bad guys - but you need strategies like that to divert his pressuring onto others who can say NO even if (and especially, when) you find it hard to say NO.

This is also called thinking outside the box.  Think ahead.  Have multiple strategies and what-if options so that when you are surprised and even shocked, you'll still keep your wits about you and not shrink back to inaction and self-sabotaging reactions.  Be proactive, not reactive.  No football team ever won playing just defense, they need both offense and defense.

Let me emphasize again, (1) he's an adult, (2) he created his problems by his own actions, (3) let him face his consequences and (4) protect yourself - with distance and time.

"Plans fail when there is no consultation, but there is accomplishment through many advisers." - Proverbs 15:22

"By consultation, plans will succeed, and by skillful direction wage your war." - Proverbs 20:18

[livednlearned]

I wish I was able to go to a place and be by myself with my dogs. My parents house isn't a cake walk either. I think that's what makes the decision so much harder. I would be trading someone who is insane for three drunks. Not exactly a peaceful environment either, but preferable over living in fear. 

This might be what's creating the extreme feelings -- you're in new terrain. Sometimes, what is scariest for people like us is making decisions that put us first. Leaving my abusive ex is the first "selfish" thing I ever did. Now that I've been out a few years, I can see that "selfish" is not even remotely selfish. It's healthy. It's healthy to have boundaries, to respect yourself enough to protect you. That means putting your needs first.

If you can afford rent in a place that is yours, but choose to stay with your parents so your ex has a place to go, that's familiar thinking. You're putting his needs ahead of your own. Maybe you learned to do this growing up in a home with alcoholics. You took care of them, and this is all you know how to do. You have an opportunity now to try something different. Take care of Cloudy Days right now. No one has done that before. You're the right person for the job    

He really didn't deserve what's going on right now and that breaks my heart.

I don't know, Cloudy Days. A grown man who makes threats gets incarcerated, and his behavior is so extreme he is detained and has to undergo a psych eval. That sounds like the appropriate consequences for his actions. For those of us who protect abusive people, who rescue them over and over, it's hard to understand appropriate consequences. We are so good at denying people consequences for their actions.

I'm glad you're going to see a therapist. A book that really helped me was Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men. I found I made excuses for my because he was alcoholic, had a crazy family, because he was bipolar, because he had a bad childhood, etc. etc. But there are alcoholics with crazy families, and people who are bipolar, people who had bad childhoods -- and they don't do these things. We make excuses for them, and they continue. That's our role in the dynamic.

[Grey Kitty]

You started the thread with this statement:

I am planning on leaving my husband and to be honest the only thing that is holding me back at this point is that this is an abusive man and I am going to fear for my life once I leave.

His being in custody is exactly what you need--you have time and space to move out of your current rental, right now. Also, given his circumstances, and prior threats, I expect you will have a fairly easy time getting a restraining order before he is released.

It really isn't your problem to keep him supported and housed any more. However he has more resources than he used to.

He just got approved for disability payments and in about a month he will start getting them as well as a large check for back pay.

Time to let him deal with that on his own. He may do well, he may do badly. It is up to him.

I know this sort of change is really tough. I also believe you can do it. Hang in there!

[Cloudy Days]

I've got to talk to him several more times. This last time he was having a mental break down. In the middle of the call he didn't even know who he was talking to on the phone. Kept saying they wouldn't give him a bible and I told him to pray. He started repeating over and over again "he is not my friend, he is not my friend, he is not my friend" They haven't given him any kind of pills and he's not eating any food. It was a brutal 5 mintues, I'm very worried about his state of mind, he said he keeps blacking out and doesn't remember why he is in there. I just know prison isn't the best place to get mental treatment, I just hope this isn't making him worse.   

I did buy the book that was suggested. Why does he do that, my husband seems to be the mentally ill abuser, so not all of it fits but the behaviors are all the same. I am focusing on me and trying to do things for me and keep my mind off of him. I'm still worried about him though. This is really hard.

[New_dad.]

I agree with ForeverDad. Get a restraining order (should be easy with his history) and leave. He probably won't care if he gets arrested for violating it, and it's not like police will send somebody to be your body guard. Have somebody present when you pack your stuff. I would also consider getting some weapons for self defense.

[Grey Kitty]

... . he was having a mental break down.

Have you seen him go through this sort of break down before?

I'm still worried about him though. This is really hard.

I'm worried about you... . should he get out suddenly.

He could be much more abusive/violent/dangerous in this state than he normally is, and you were already worried about what he might do to you.

I'm not suggesting you abandon him completely right now--just that you be extra cautious, and put your own safety ahead of his, and your mental/physical/financial stability ahead of his as well.

As they say on airplanes, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. Make sure you are secure and grounded before you reach out to him in a way that he could pull you down.

[Cloudy Days]

I was told most likely he is going to be in there for around 4 months. He has had a mental breakdown before but never this severe. I did go and talk to a therapist yesterday. She told me to focus on one thing at a time and that I am highly emotional right now and to not make any decisions till things calm down a bit. She said that most likely I will be able to detach better once a little bit of time has gone by. She said I am in shock at this point and I'm just not going to feel ok for awhile because the situation just sucks.

I'd like to know how long I am going to feel like this. I feel like it is insane for missing someone who hurt me so much. But can't help but feel like I miss him and want him. I am enjoying the freedom but at the same time I feel totally lost. I've never felt so terrible in my life, it's a truly horrible feeling.

[Grey Kitty]

  I can hardly imagine the adjustment you are going through. Wow.

I'm glad you are seeking therapy.

Hang in there--you are a lot stronger than you realize

[Panda39]

I agree with others here.  Get out now while you have the opportunity (and take your dogs with you), do not pay the rent on the apartment you share and you look out for yourself and get your own place if you can (don't go back to a house full of alcoholics if you can help it).  Do get a restraining order, contact an attorney and do contact your local women's shelter for assistance.

As an aside that helped me leave my marriage I had a little mantra it was a line from one of Pink's songs... . Look Fear in the Face and just say "no".  My current SO is a Star Trek fan and he said when he left his wife he alway thought... . Boldly Go. 

So whatever works for you just protect yourself, Look Fear in the Face and just say "no" and Boldly Go on with your own life it will be rough at first but if you break free you will not regret it.

Good Luck )

[ForeverDad]

Point your head in the right direction and walk that path and in time your heart will follow, just give your emotions time to adjust and recover.

What you're feeling is, "I can't ____ yet."  Fill in the words, stop worrying, let go, move on, etc.  We understand.  As the quote above highlights, it takes a while for our emotions to catch up when we change our relationship compass.

Still, that's no excuse not to go ahead and take those first steps in the right direction.  Can you start with some small things?  Once you take the first small step, the next few steps will be easier to continue on that path and before you know it you're way down that path and surprise, surprise, the path is much easier over time and the inertia will keep you going.  That's because gradually your healing emotions will catch up with your head knowledge of what needs to be done.

It's okay to start slow.  The point is to start.  Take those first steps.  In light of the past years of muddy doormat life, any progress is good progress.