Preparing Preliminay

[Iforget]

Mostly due to the many brave people here, my lawyer is preparing what he is calling a preliminary for me to present to STBX. I had him fax it to me to review. I'm concerned. He's asking for the minimum I would accept in alimony. And my understanding is I can receive as much as a third of gross income. The amount he put is about half of that. It also says nothing about the kids. It states that I will stay in the home and assume 100 percent responsibility for mortgage. I think he should pay half the mortgage till dv  is final. It also says nothing about child support. The minors, dd 14, ds 14, and dd13. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

If you're not comfortable with it, then figure out what ought to be changed.  For one, child support, that's usually a calculation done by the court or the agency for child support enforcement.  Of course, don't assume, confirm before proceeding.

Did you pick the lawyer that presented the best strategy to reach your goals?  Not every lawyer is able to deal with the delays, obstructions, chaos and sheer obstinacy that are found in high conflict divorces.  Some are fine for normal divorces but are ill equipped for the more extreme cases.

[Iforget]

I was just thinking, even though this is just a preliminary agreement, it should have something concerning the kids. This lawyer is the third one I interviewed. At the initial consultant I questioned him in great detail about his experience with high conflict and PD persons. I just recall the advice here was always ask for what you want in the beginning as it is harder to change later. I'm a sahm for 20 years. Which allowed stbx to climb the corporate ladder. I have already found large sums hidden in accounts he's opened in his name only. It really crossed a line for me. I am shocked at all he has hidden from me.

is the spouse remaining in the residence usually responsible for the whole mortgage? Doesn't seem fair as he will get half at the sale. It's hard because we have a 15 year loan with a really high note.

[ForeverDad]

Sale amount minus seller fees, taxes & mortgage pay-off equals the amount to be split.

A good negotiator will ask for more than the minimum acceptable amount.  That your lawyer started at the lower end of the scale is a bit of a surprise.  There are benefits in not starting at the bottom.  (1) It leaves room for negotiation and other leverage.  (2) Often there are other unanticipated costs that make a 'reasonable' amount become a hardship when the unexpected bills start arriving.  (3) Settling for a low amount now may leave you stuck with that lower amount later on, a judge may be convinced by the other side that if the amount works now then it will keep working later on.

[Iforget]

I finally made it back to the lawyer today. I told him of my concerns. We changed some things in the preliminary. I updated him on the udBPD stbx latest antics. He stated that I should leave the house and move out. He thinks the udBPD if going to flip once served. He has never been violent in the pass. This is my issue. I don't want to move. I have put a lot of work into the house. Stbx does no maintenance and is destructive. The second problem is stbx has already cleaned out the bank accounts that I have access to. I have been a sahm for 20 years. I have 4 to 6 Dr appt a month, not counting T. Even if I could manage to secure a job I doubt I could keep it long. I have contacted a shelter for an emergency should it come to that.  What do I do?

[ForeverDad]

How about filing for possession of the house while the case in ongoing?  After all, you and he will be living separate lives, may as well live separately now with court structure to keep the peace.  And enough monthly support to pay the bills, get gas, get food and pay for the medical appointments?  It's called spousal support in a temporary order to establish some stability during the high tensions of a divorce.  If it's left up to you two, with the details left up in the air, there could be DV or threats of DV.  You really want to avoid that.

[david]

Alimony Pende Lite is for a sahm going through a divorce. It is only temporary and is supposed to put each party on a level playing field.                                                                                Once the divorce is final alimony would be determined using a formula by the courts. It's usually based on the number of years you were married. It depends on the state. I live in Pa. and you divide the total years married by four. Say you were married for 20 years. You would divide 20 Diveded by 4 and get 5. The party recieving alimony is then entitled to 5 years of alimony after the divorce.                                                                                                                     Child support is a separate matter and that is also a formula in my state. You may be able to google child support and alimony in your particular state. Many lawyers have calculators on their web site.

[Iforget]

UdBPD stbx and I haven't discussed divorce. We don't talk. If he wants to communicate he has to text me or email. His modus operandi is to corner me in a room while drunk and blah blah, blah. Lawyer thinks he won't leave willingly. Lawyer says the judge will not force him out of the house. Lawyer has put requests in papers for spouse/child support. I just don't know how I can get him to leave. I'm waiting till kids are all out of town to serve him papers. What about the idea of getting the house appraised now secretly. So if I am forced to leave and he trashes it I have an outside unbiased opinion of value. I will ask L about that.

[ForeverDad]

It's not uncommon for things to go missing or in extreme cases for the house to be ransacked or trashed.  Not knowing how he might react, be prepared.  For example, take photos and videos throughout the house, just as if you were documenting for insurance protection.  Ponder where 'safe' places can be, places to store your own copies of documents and important things.  It might be with your family or trusted friends, at work or some other place he has no physical access.  If need be, keep multiple copies of everything just in case.  Passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, deeds, titles, loans, mortgages, licenses, bank and credit accounts, etc.

Is the only requirement that you hand him the papers?  Can he claim he never got them and delay the case?  In many areas a process server or other professional needs to be the one to deliver the notices.

[Iforget]

In the state where I live the Sheriff's Department serves him the papers. I think he has like 30 days to respond. In my state the clock won't start ticking till one of us moves from the marital home. Then it is a year before the divorce can be finalized. I thought about talk with lawyer. I didn't 're a line that the preliminary papers should represent everything that I wanted. But that is the way he made it sound. I think there should be a whole lot more details in them then.