Hi all,
I am 9 months NC and still trying to detach from my uBPDexgf. I try to think about the red flags that I saw, but instead of hitting myself over the head for missing them, I am trying to use them as reasons I cannot and should not be with this person. For example, when my ex and I were talking about having children, one of the things she said was "I can't wait to have children with you, but I'm concerned what will happen once I get bored with them." Huge
!
Mine said when we were still just friends, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell." To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when someone tells you something like that, believe it.
My question for you all, especially those who've had children with borderlines, is does this actually happen? Do pwBPD actually lose interest in their children or are they loving? Basically, what is your experience with pwBPD who are parents?
I'm still new to this, with S4 and D2. My uBPDx is somewhat "high functioning." When she was still living with me, I did see concerning behaviors. When she was engaged, she was very engaged. I saw, and still see, some emotional detachment. As if handling the children is too much for her sometimes ("you're better with them," she used to say). pwBPD are egocentric like little children themselves. Can a child successfully parent another child? Mine shows empathy (except when she's triggered, and the children can for sure trigger her), but she is also stuck on her own emotions and needs that constant validation. She started detaching from the three of us after D2 was around 6 months old. "Abandoned" us again and again to pursue her love addiction outside of the home. A week before she left, it was acceptable for her to leave me with one kid throwing up, and the other with a sudden onset of fever at night. She went to the gym, then met her guy. Got home an hour after she told me she was going to. No explanation (though I knew what she was doing). I'm not sorry that I felt our children needed more attention at this age than she did. No FOG for me in that regard. I picked up her slack.
BPD is an attachment disorder. No one close to them is immune from BPD behaviors. Children are need validation magnets. It can cross the line into covert incest, as Timcup describes, or at least making the children feel that they are responsible for their BPD parent's feelings (which is also an unhealthy psychological burden to place on immature, developing minds). That's our job as non-partners, and you know it is hard enough for us as adults.
Have you seen this article?
Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children
