i dont know if i can do this anymore

[AllisG]

I am exhausted.  We never get anywhere.  He blames me for everything. 

my life: Nothing I do satisfies his needs for love and affection.  I give and give and it's never enough, I could always do more.

If I think of him during the day I should at least send him an audio clip or a picture.  If I don't it means I never think about him and don't care about how I make him feel.  I make him feel bad all the time.

It's worse now that his work takes him overseas and we're apart.  He won't see a psychiatrist or do DBT because he says he doesn't have time.  Besides taking an antidepressant he's done nothing to deal with his BPD. 

When he's away he's at work while I'm sleeping.  He sleeps about three hours a night.  When I'm awake I'm expected to be in constant contact with him. Any time spent doing other things or with other people is time taken away from him.  He doesn't say that, but it's definitely how he behaves.  He'll send me a screen shot of the last time I text him if I haven't for awhile. But we talk at least three hours a day nearly every day!

Now he's said that if I "continue to treat him this way" and "consume myself with everything and everybody else" then I should just break up with him. 

I am really at a loss and don't see  this will change if he can't accept any responsibility.  He can't accept I'm not as consumed with him as he is with me. But I could never possibly be. 



It's worse now that his work takes him overseas and we're apart a lot .  He won't see a psychiatrist or do DBT because he doesn't

[ugghh]

Allis, everything you describe is classic BPD behavior.  Have you looked at the sidebar on "Choosing a Path?"

[AllisG]

Thank you.

Sometimes we need validation too.

I will read that. 

[everprincess]

I know exactly how you feel. Loving someone with BPD is draining. My DH makes it so hard to love him. Never enough I can give. I can never say or do the right thing that he wants. I can't read his mind and I've told him this a million times. Our therapist is 100% positive that he has BPD. He is currently in the hospital after having a severe breakdown. He says the doctor can't say he has this. Denial, denial... . He wants me to come see him tomorrow but I'm so behind at work since all of his actions have taken me away from my business and my depression, lack of sleep sure hasn't helped that either. I don't know what to do tomorrow. If I don't go he will be mad for sure. But I feel for now that maybe separation is best. I just really need someone to talk to. My family is not being supportive anymore because this isn't the first time I've been down this road with him. For now he is all loving on the phone, saying it is going to get better but I just don't have any faith in that. I feel awful to feel this way. But it just never gets better only worse.

[InSearchofMe]

You are right, nothing you do will satisfy his need for love and affection at this point.  But you are not making him feel bad all the time.  He just feels bad all the time.  He is trying to convince you that you are responsible for how he feels.  And from the sound of it, he has. Every time you give in to his demands (you must spend every moment of your life focused on him) you are in fact agreeing with him that how he feels is all your fault.  That you can and should fix how he feels.

And, no, you can't control whether or not he seeks help or tries to improve things.  But you can can control what you do.  You can start setting and enforcing boundaries and begin to stop living in this reality that you are responsible for how he feels.

Even if he doesn't currently accept any responsibility for his part in this, you have a chance to improve things by taking care of yourself. 

I know in the beginning of setting and enforcing boundaries, things seemed to get a bit worse at my house.  My BPDh went through quite a bit of extinction burst behavior because I was changing what I was doing.  But it did get better as my change in behavior started to teach him that what he was doing just didn't work anymore.

Big hugs   and I hope you are able to begin to take care of yourself.