Any input from others in relationship with uBPDso?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What happens in the relationship if you get sick and need to care about yourself? If say, you hurt your back and need to rest in bed for a few days? How does your uBPDso react to you?

[PablosAngel]

What happens in the relationship if you get sick and need to care about yourself? If say, you hurt your back and need to rest in bed for a few days? How does your uBPDso react to you?

[123Phoebe]

Hi PablosAngel,

Mine would ask if there's anything he can do for me-- food or meds or... ?  Then it's up to me to tell/ask for what I want or need, if I hadn't done so already.

How does your uBPDso respond to you?

[PablosAngel]

Hello 123phoebe and thank you for the reply. My boyfriend either ignores that I even said/have anything wrong or sometimes it seems that he actually places additional demands on me or maybe even gets angry about me needing time to heal. I am confused now and wondering if he may also be co-dependent?

[babyoctopus]

About 3 years ago I totally jacked up my back- actually I was having problems and finally his rough (nightly) sex put my back out and I was in constant pain for about 3-4 weeks. I was literally crying. What did my uBPDh do? Pretty much ignored me, and wanted to know what position would be easiest on my back because he couldn't NOT have sex. Of course. Alos, I got blamed for "faking" it as an excuse to not give him sex.

4 kids, household to maintain, and he's worried he's not getting his alotment of sex.

[mywifecrazy]

That is so funny because whenever I was sick my uBPDxw would ALWAYS make me feel guilty for being sick. It would PISS ME OFF. whenever she was sick or laid up I would mother her by constantly checking on her, getting her something to drink or eat, take her temperature, etc, run to the pharmacy, etc.

When I was sick I had to FEND for myself. I would be left in bed. I think it annoyed her! Oh she would ask me if she could do anything for me but it was like I had to TELL her what to do. It would have been nice JUST ONCE to be TAKEN CARE OF! God I FU**ING hated that about her.  They really are ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES aren't they? I have to remember this when I'm upset about her leaving me!  GOOD RIDDANCE!

[PablosAngel]

baby octopus and my wife crazy I can relate to both of these posts. I have reoccurring  back trouble  due to a form of muscular dystrophy causing weak muscles, allowing bulging disks. Anytime I get out alignment it is extremely painful, sometimes paralyzing and very scary. I get no sympathy.I get  Badgered into doing more stuff than when I am well and repeatedly woken up if I am trying to sleep. True too when he has an issue be it a splinter, it is the most serious problem ever... . He is truly all about himself in this area. I'm sorry they do this to us, the people who care and be responsible. I will be away from the internet for a few days after today so I don't seem like I am not responding to anyone for s few. Thank you both for the replies.

[froggy]

I have a chronic kidney condition that makes me produce kidney stones constantly and I have MS.

His favorite phrase is ... "you know where to find sympathy. .between $hit and syphilis in the dictonary"

He will drive me to the hospital IF he hasn't been drinking other wise it's take a taxi or walk. My daughter has the same condition and it's the same deal for her. .I go up with her... he has no patience for waiting.

I travel a thousand miles for surgery ever 6 months or so and do everything on my own... . he thinks I make kidney stones on purpose just to get out of town... . or that we make them JUST to inconvenience him.

I just laugh when people ask me if he's going with me to take care of me... . ya right

NOW when he's sick... or when he broke his back... THAT was another story... . waited on him hand and foot.

But then he isn't being inconvenienced

[Runningbare]

No reaction at all... . I wouldnt see her for dust. She would be found in the bed of the first available persons number in the list of hangers on her phone.

[hergestridge]

My BPDw gets really concerned at first. Asks me if there's anything she can do to help me out, takes over all the chores I usually do etc.

However, she enjoys "taking care of business" for an hour or two, then it starts to really bother her that I'm sick and that she has to do all that extra work. Then she start to feel "trapped". What follows is the usual charade of slammed doors, loud sighs and unprovoked fights with our daughter that allways come when she feels that things are "unfair".

She doesn't take it out on me, because she knows I'm sick.

Of course I have to get up and do the usually chores no matter how sick I am, because she's becoming becoming abusive (directly or indirectly) with all the acting-out. She doesn't get it at all though. She "didn't do anything".

Like a dysfunctional teenager... .

Exactly this just happened at our home last week. I have an infection that just won't go away because I can't get a few days rest. Last thursday I fell down with high fever that was rising rapidly (I had been coughing for weeks). I called my wife from bed and asked her to pick up our daughter from daycare as I had to sleep then I basically fell unconscious. I woke up the next day in the sofa in our living room to my wife screaming and b___ing at our daughter over my head. It was still feverish, but then I knew it was all the rest I was going to get although I would propably need another few days.

[Perdita]

Good topic.  I can definitely relate to what the rest of you have shared here.

My BPbf will ask if he can get me medicine or something and appear concerned. I don't feel that the concern is anything more than him pretending to care.

3 months into our r/s (or whatever this mess is) he broke up with me completely out of the blue. The first push.  Took time off from work to do this.  He gave 2 reasons:

1 - was that he wanted a family life and would never have that with me (I found this bizarre coming from he and he has recently admitted that he doesn't want marriage and a family). 

2 - my auto-immune disease.  Said it was my fault that I wasn't getting better, because I don't go to doctors to try and find a cure etc.   There is no cure, but most importantly he still hasn't seen me sick to this day.  Yet there he was blaming me and saying he can't put up with it!

I get bad menstrual cramps as well and he blamed me for that too while breaking up with me.  Said it was my fault that I get cramps.

Fast Forward to about 7 weeks ago.  The truth came out.  He didn't break up with me for any of those reasons.  We were away together for the first time when the above happened.  There are only 2 bedrooms were we stayed.  He doesn't want me sleeping in his bed with him.  So this meant that he was occupying the main bedroom and I was in the other.  Turns out his pedestal girl/trash called him and wanted to come and be a part of our romantic getaway!  He told her that both bedrooms are occupied.  It was at this point that he came and broke up with me in the middle of his working day - so he could get me out and the trash could move in.  Sure enough she showed up "by chance" that afternoon.  I refused to leave.  Keep in mind that they were still housemates at the time! Why did she have to join in on our getaway?

In this case I at least know now that he deliberately made me feel I was responsible for him breaking up with me.  Before I knew the truth I spend 9 months absolutely terrified of him seeing me even remotely ill.  Needless to say it caused me a whole lot of stress - all for nothing. 

Then 3 months after that happened, he had a very bad accident and needed care 24/7.  I slept on the floor at his place for 3 weeks so I could help him.  Did absolutely everything for him.  Hardly got any sleep, only had enough free time everyday to shower quickly.  This trash girl was still his housemate at the time.  Not once did she lift a finger to help or even asked if she could help or how he was doing.  Carried on with her life as if nothing happen.  Once during that time he asked her to wash a spoon for him and she refused.  So when I say she did nothing, I really do mean nothing.  As soon as he was able to, guess who he took to dinner? 

About 2-3 months ago I had a bad tooth ache.  That trash girl had left one of her vodka bottles with him to keep for her after she moved out of town early this year.    It was already open, so I took some to dip an earbud to place on my tooth with asprin. Maybe 2 teaspoons worth (I don't drink alcohol).  I told him I was taking some. Next day I get there and the bottle is gone.  He says he gave it to one of his buddies.  Yet the cocktail mix bottle (which she gave him to hold with the vodka) was still standing there.  That stuff has gone off completely.  Bf has commented on that a number of times as well.  Yet I am expected to believe that he gave the vodka away but kept the expired cocktail juice?

I would say look into what reasons there could be for your BP person blaming you when you are ill.  In my case this has been very much connected with this trash he idealizes.  So much of my feelings have died for him since I found out that the first break up was because he wanted me out the way so she could move in. The fact that he blamed my health for this is hurtful beyond words.  I wonder if these people have any feelings whatsoever?

Froggy, your story made me so sad and angry.  I don't even know what to say really.  What are we doing with these cold hearted  selfish people?

[maxsterling]

Basically, hell. When I am sick, her needs aren't getting met.  Near the beginning of our relationship, I got a bad flu.  And all she would do is get on my case about going to the doctor, not taking care of myself, how frustrated she was.  I haven't been that sick since, but this is a pattern.  If I have a bad day at work, she has worse.  If I am tired, she is more tired.  If I have no money, she has less money.

I've learned to get my emotional support elsewhere.  If I get sick, I do the best I can and try not to expect any kind of comforting from her.

[hergestridge]

Of course, I forgot that one. My wife demands I immediately call a doctor when I'm ill. I have to explain to her everytime that most conditions - although painful - don't require that you go see a professional. But having fever and not calling 911 - that's russian roulette in her book.

Very excentric.

[froggy]

hergestridge

mine is the same way... . every little kidney pain I get is... . do we need to take you up to the ER?

I have only been to the ER a handful of times in 33 years... . when I actually HAVE to go or take my daughter up he's had a couple drinks or will have to take a taxi back because he wants to come back home and drink.