Am I wrong or is he being really difficult on purpose?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm away from my pwBPD at the moment, viewing my family who I don't get to see often because they live in a different country many hours away.

I've tried to set some expectations and boundaries regarding contact whilst I'm away before I left to make things easier for us both, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference, he's being just as difficult as he always is whilst I'm away.

Yesterday was my first full day here, and he went completely mental at me because, after he'd been out all day (which is fine by me), he wanted to speak at a very specific time only which happened to be when we wrote going to be eating tea - he didn't want to be flexible at all, i received lots of nasty texts (lots of swearing, I'm selfish, I'm messed up, I've got issues, I'm sick, my behaviour  is going to kill him etc), then after I'd eaten one call where he screamed down the phone at me to 'f*%^ing Skype' him right then, then he raged at me on Skype, wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways so I told him I wouldn't take part in conversations like that and would talk when things were calmer then hung up. I then ignored the following abusive texts, then he sent one saying not to contact him again, closely followed by one that was kind of an apology.

Thus morning I received a nice text from him and he seemed in a better mood, he was then out all day then pretty much did the same thing again - said he could only Skype at one time (when we're eating) then when I said we were eating, the barrage of text abuse started again, telling me I was selfish, I should tell my mum to wait to cook dinner (so the other 5 people I'm here with, my family, have to put off haven dinner because he's having a tantrum?), then he said I should call him tmoro and a certain time which he knows is no good because I'll be out at my sisters graduation ceremony! Lots more texts, more of which I've ignored after saying I've offered lots of opportunities to Skype (which I have) and that I'm not going to have a raging conversation on Skype or text.

He's now said he wants to Skype and I'm about to give it a go in a moment - we'll see how it goes! If he's being nasty and raging, I'll enforce my boundary and hang up again, but I'd rather not have to keep going through this!

[Littleleft]

I'm away from my pwBPD at the moment, viewing my family who I don't get to see often because they live in a different country many hours away.

I've tried to set some expectations and boundaries regarding contact whilst I'm away before I left to make things easier for us both, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference, he's being just as difficult as he always is whilst I'm away.

Yesterday was my first full day here, and he went completely mental at me because, after he'd been out all day (which is fine by me), he wanted to speak at a very specific time only which happened to be when we wrote going to be eating tea - he didn't want to be flexible at all, i received lots of nasty texts (lots of swearing, I'm selfish, I'm messed up, I've got issues, I'm sick, my behaviour  is going to kill him etc), then after I'd eaten one call where he screamed down the phone at me to 'f*%^ing Skype' him right then, then he raged at me on Skype, wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways so I told him I wouldn't take part in conversations like that and would talk when things were calmer then hung up. I then ignored the following abusive texts, then he sent one saying not to contact him again, closely followed by one that was kind of an apology.

Thus morning I received a nice text from him and he seemed in a better mood, he was then out all day then pretty much did the same thing again - said he could only Skype at one time (when we're eating) then when I said we were eating, the barrage of text abuse started again, telling me I was selfish, I should tell my mum to wait to cook dinner (so the other 5 people I'm here with, my family, have to put off haven dinner because he's having a tantrum?), then he said I should call him tmoro and a certain time which he knows is no good because I'll be out at my sisters graduation ceremony! Lots more texts, more of which I've ignored after saying I've offered lots of opportunities to Skype (which I have) and that I'm not going to have a raging conversation on Skype or text.

He's now said he wants to Skype and I'm about to give it a go in a moment - we'll see how it goes! If he's being nasty and raging, I'll enforce my boundary and hang up again, but I'd rather not have to keep going through this!

[Littleleft]

What a surprise,  he just let rip when I skyped, (everything in his life is my fault, I'm selfish, nasty etc) so I hung up, text him to again say I'm happy to have a proper two way conversation, but not that kind of call which isn't a conversation, and best we talk when things are calmer blah blah blah!

What should I do to try to stop this from happening every day? I'm visiting my parents and sister who I don't get to see often with my grandparents too and want to be able to enjoy spending time with them without this constant stress and upset.

I've just received a very strange text accusing me of deleting private stuff off his phone (what?), then he said 'I'm not as stupid as you think as I knew you would do this so as a precaution I saved everything to see if you would and you did' - I have no idea what he's talking about!

[froggy]

Don't fall for it... It's bait to get you to defend

yourself so he can unload all that he has

pent up because you haven't engaged... . he's

looking for a pressure release valve and your

it if you take the bait.

[AllisG]

I wish I had an answer for you.

Honestly, I read your posts and I laughed... . not because I thought it was funny but it sounds exactly like what I'm living.  Same situations. 

Except my boyfriend would never swear at me.  Which he seems to think makes him a great guy who only does this because he loves me. 

Hugs sister.  Stay strong. 

[AllisG]

Ah yes, I reread your comment from another of my posts.

We really are living very parallel lives.

Does he feel, like my bf does, that you don't love him if you spend time with anyone else in your life, including your family?  You could be spending that time with him, but you're not... . therefore you're cold, selfish, etc. etc. 

Do you wonder if he'll ever be any different or if you'll live this way forever if you don't leave? 

[Littleleft]

Thank froggy - it's really hard not to get pulled into it because he's making me feel like I'm not being fair and of course making me want to tell him how wrong everything he's saying is,  it I'm trying not to get into JADEing!

Thanks AllisG. That's exactly it, he thinks I'm putting them before him.  I also think he's worried that the time I'm spending with them will make me realise really how awful things are at home and that I will leave when I get back or that they will convince me to leave whilst I'm here. That hasn't come up, but I think that's underneath it all.

There were lots more nasty texts last night after I stated I wouldn't get involved in a conversation like that and ignored him.  Weirded cryptic things about him getting into my private things that I didn't think he knew about, as well as the one I mentioned before when he accused me of deleting private stuff of his phone.  He's been going through the people of follow on Instagram and sent me texts about those too, totally paranoid.  Thinks one of them is an ex bf he told me not to contact anymore years ago but it's not, but said 'don't worry it's been dealt with' whatever that means? Maybe he's contacted this person, wrongly thinking he's someone else. It's just an old friend from uni who was never anything else.

Any ideas as to how I'm can calm this down and stop it happening every day I'm away?  It's my sisters graduation in a moment, and all I can think about it this and it's upsetting me, I hate the way this really gets at me, I know I should be able to enjoy this time with my family!

[Littleleft]

Oh and there have been more calls and texts this morning, so it doesn't look like it's going to be any better today!

[Narellan]

I think you have to take control. This is your valuable time with your family. You will resent him more if you continue to play this game. Simply tell him you are spending time with your family and will speak to him when you get back home. Go NC. What will he do? Fly over to make a fuss? No, hell barage you with texts, so turn off your phone. If the relationship breaks down because you do this, then so be it. You cannot live like this stressed out about his reactions.

Thats just my opinion.

[Take2]

Stay calm and strong just as you have... .   froggy is exactly right... .   and while my ex and I are totally broken up (as far as I know, but I've pretty much thought that all along) - our limited interactions are constantly him baiting me just as you describe.  I have usually done a very poor job of not getting my buttons pushed and reacting... . and there is just no doubt, it is the exact release that my ex needs to unleash his fury on me.  Sometimes I read the tools over again so that when I DO have to talk to my ex, I handle it better (we work together so I do see and talk to him). 

Try to keep posting here and vent if needed - but stay strong!  He's upset without you but he will be fine. 

[froggy]

Thank froggy - it's really hard not to get pulled into it because he's making me feel like I'm not being fair and course making me want to tell him how wrong everything he's saying is,  it I'm trying not to get JADEing.

____________________________________________

Narellan

you can't control how he FEELS.  You can only control how you feel and react to what he says.

YOU know what he's saying about the phone is crazy... pretty sure he knows it too but he HAS to say SOMETHING that will get you to defend youself and make contact so you can light the fuse and he can explode and feel better till the tension builds again.

I had to go away Feb for 5 weeks. When I left I had no set return date. He's kinda use to me going away for a couple weeks at a time.

After 2 weeks he was telling me to come home. My sister was in the hospital and I had gone down for support and had surgery booked at the end of the month.

He wanted me to come home... stay at home for a week and then go back for my surgery all because he'd run out of work clothes and he was pi$$ed off that he had to do dishes.

I let him rant and when he was done I told him if THAT was the only reason he had for me to come home  that I thought my sister was a higher priority. ... he went on that I didn't want to come home because I was having "fun". Assured him it was not fun sleeping in a chair in the hospital and I would text and phone when I could.

He didn't like it but he survived.  

I've had the phone calls too where he just phones to scream in my ear and I politely say that if you've just phoned to scream at me don't bother and have hung up.

He'll survive... . think it like the 3 year old who has a fit being dropped off at day care for the first time... . if they are over attatched there is going to be a melt down... but they learn to cope.

Stick to your guns. Let him know what your schedule is and let him know when you will call  or skype and that you will not answer abusive texts or stay on skype if he's just going to be nasty.

what's the worst that can happen... . he'll get mad?... he's already there

[Littleleft]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

Narellan, I would actually like to go NC but I'm away for four weeks and can't help but feel that I would be abandoning him when he is goin through a rough time. He's in recovery in aa and as the days are getting longer and the weather better,,he is finding it more difficult, this will be his first summer sober. I also feel bad that he couldn't come, even though that's due to his behaviour, and he's left at home looking after our house and cat. No doubt he knows this and so he's playing on it!

I will stick to only having conversations (either Skype or text) that are not nasty and abusive, and hope that I'm just experiencing extinction bursts that will pass! Either way, as groggy said, he's mad anyway, so I'm gonna try my best not to react and get drawn into it.

I'm not sure if we'll be speaking today, I've not long got back after the graduation ceremony and lunch and went him a text to say I could skype if he wanted to. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted. I really appreciate this space to vent and get advice! Thanks guys 

[Littleleft]

Ha ha! I meant froggy not groggy! Silly autocorrect!

[Narellan]

It's important to have boundaries and stick to them. And you're doing a great job with that. You're thinking very clearly in a difficult situation. Well done. And you are pitting yourself and your needs first which is awesome. Hang in there. Enjoy your time with your family, and don't allow him to guilt you into feeling bad that you're away. You are very strong to not be reacting to him, but I guess we all learn pretty quickly what works and what doesn't. Take care xx

[Littleleft]

Thanks for the encouragement Narellan. It makes such a difference! It really helps to have people like you backing me up and reassuring me about what I'm doing xxx

[Littleleft]

So when spoke yesterday it was a mixed bag but kinda ended up ok.  First thing he said was that I was not going to be happy with him because he'd done something.  So it turns out that because of his paranoia over Instagram he had contacted a friend of mine who he mistook for an ex of mine and gave him a load of abuse, called him particularly bad things, swearing and telling him to stay away from me etc. Not good, I've apologised to the poor guy involved.  Could have caused him all kinds of trouble if his own gf saw it, as it would give the impression he'd been up to something with me!

Our conversation started off ok, but soon turned into him telling me how I've not been behaving very well towards him since I've been away.  He was upset at first, but then it was turning into anger again, the usual criticism and blame game, so I gave him some warnings about me not getting involved in those kind of conversations again and did end up hanging up. He asked me to call back just to say goodnight, so I did, and he wanted to go into it all again. So I managed to make him stop, say goodnight and hung up.

A bit after a had a very long text from him, apologising for all his behaviour and saying how he really wanted me to have a great time with my family, to relax and feel better myself etc.  he even said he realised that all this business with skyping was stressing me out too and suggested that we only text for a few days to make things less stressful.

So I've agree to that - I was very surprised he suggested it and even more surprised that he was still ok with that when I said I agreed it was a good idea!  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some better days!

[InSearchofMe]

Sounds like you are dealing with classic extinction burst behavior.  You are doing the right thing by holding your boundaries.

Hang in there.  And enjoy your time with your family.

[Narellan]

That's really great news Littleleft. Enjoy the rest of your time out with your family.

[Littleleft]

Thank you both!