20 yo daughter has severed ties with my H and myself and now her older sister

[Loujaye]

My BPDD and I have been extremely close over time... . I was there when she was bullied in middle school and advocated for her and got her into cyber school, I was there all the times she sliced her arms and legs, held her while she cried because she was so depressed and wanted to die.

And now I no longer exist in her world. Nor does my husband who couldn't have loved her more if she was his own or her sister who got shorted because of all the time and energy and attention BPDD needed. She has recreated her life's story and in it we were horrible to her and her life was terrible.

As much reading as I've done and discussions with therapists I've had I just still can't wrap my head around the fact that the person I remember as a compassionate, loving child has turned into this person I don't know that hates me and that I don't particularly like right now.

My mother turned her back on me when I developed fibromyalgia and chronic migraines and had to stop working because she thought I was weak. I told my kids that they could never do anything that would be so bad that I wouldn't run to the ends of the earth to get them back. Now what do I do?

She's told me she wants no further contact with any of us, that she has found a new family (including my narcissistic mother who never loved her) and she is finally happy. It was apparently my fault that she was sick and I made her out to be and kept her as ill physically and mentally as she was. She has fibro, too. How do I live with this? How do all of you?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi Loujaye, I feel for you. How long has she been NC? I've seen similar stories on these boards. Eventually the pwBPD decides there's a problem with the "new" family. Because for all of us, even us "nons", wherever we go... . there we are! We can't get away from ourselves. I believe she'll be back in your life. Take this break from dealing with the BPD dance to concentrate on your husband and your other daughter AND yourself. Be good to yourself!

You're in my thoughts. 

[co.jo]

I know how hard this is, I am in the same boat. Apparently we were abusive growing up, and I allowed it to happen. Also I am unable to force her siblings to accept her, they have had enough.We have had a back and forth about this for almost a year, bottom line, she wants me to go for weekly therapy before she can have a relationship with me. Bottom line, since every other relationship I have is healthy, I would have a difficult time going for weekly therapy to deal with her perception of the past.

How do I deal with it? It is a daily sorrow.I am fortunate to foster 5 kids who keep me busy and enrich my life greatly. I know she wouldn't be where she is if it wasn't for me persevering through all the terrible times, so the fact that she has an ok life is some consolation. I am glad that she no longer needs me, so I know she will be ok without me. Also she has left one of my friends on her facebook, so I get some news that way. Is that something that can happen for you?

But she will be walking across the stage and receiving her Bachelor's degree this month, and I will not be there. That cuts me to the quick. I hate this disease.

[Loujaye]

Paula Jeanne,

Thx for your reply. Since the day after Christmas. Apparently we kicked her out and made her live in her car and choose between her bf and us. We had taken in her bf when he was homeless and had nothing, got him mental and physical care, helped him get his GED and thought of him as one of our own. They were going to move anyhow and we were supportive but not under these circumstances. She made up a horrible story and has told family members that I'm estranged from that I'm the one who is sick as well as a lot of other lies I'm sure. I do need to take some time to give my husband whom I've only been married to a year and who did not sign up for this some attention and start living again myself. I was so enmeshed in their issues for so long I completely neglected myself.

[Loujaye]

Co.Jo, I am so very sorry you'll be missing your daughters graduation. That must be excruciatingly painful. I did have someone that was letting me know where she was and how things were going but she has huge family issues right now so she hasn't spoken with my D. My ex h is being an idiot and doesn't want to break confidentiality so won't tell me anything. Had I known this dx a year ago, I might have been able to salvage some of the relationship because I would have understood it better. Despite me going to some therapy sessions with her and telling her therapist to let me know if there was anything we were doing wrong or could do to help to please let me know. But I've just been told all along she had severe depressive disorder with some bipolar tendencies. It was actually my therapist who realized she had BPD. Everything in the past was just a precursor to this becoming full blown. This morning when I talked to my older daughter who was basically "Switzerland" and, in tears, she told me she had been cut off too my heart broke again. BPDD has told me that I made her out to be sicker than she is, that she's just fine and it's me with the problem. I just grieve for the relationship we had and the lost hopes and dreams. Because I know from speaking to therapists and others that, despite all we've gone thru up until now, our roller coaster ride is just beginning. This is a lifelong journey and I'm afraid of what the future holds.

[lever.]

Hello Loujaye, good to meet you but very sorry about the circumstances. I can feel the pain and distress behind your words.

I have recently had a short period of no contact with my daughter. Her e-mail to me was quite vitriolic- a real character assassination and she was absolutely adamant that she wanted nothing to do with me.

I approached her by e-mail and wrote a short but very carefully worded e-mail. I used some ideas from a book by Valerie Porr (Overcoming BPD) and also had advice on here.

The first response was a very angry rage-filled e-mail telling me basically to get lost.

There was then a little e-mail dance, very short e-mails from me reassuring her of my love.

Finally I wrote an acknowledgement statement "i'm so sorry, I must have said done so many things to hurt you for us to be in this position and if you are happier not to see me I accept that that is best for you but I am here if you change your mind."

5 days later she asked to meet me. It is still very strained but we have a basis to move forward.

I know other parents have tried very similar approaches without success but hope this gives you some ideas.

I left long gaps between the e-mails and didn't make any emotional demands.

I agree with the others that things change rapidly with BPD and it may not be long before there are problems with the new family.

Try to use this break to nurture yourself and your other relationships and to read and learn more about effective tools for communicating with someone with BPD.

I can't recommend Valerie Porr's book highly enough

[Loujaye]

Lever, thank you for your reply. I have tried an email or two. The last was just to say Happy Easter and that I was thinking of her and hoped things were going well. She went on a tirade telling me how she had given me chances but I had failed. Blamed me for making her sicker than she was and my contacting her brought her nothing but hurt. We walk such a fine line between making sure not to intrude and not letting them feel like we've abandoned them. I'm going to look for the book by Valerie Porr. I have always believed that knowledge is power so I've tried to read as much as possible and learn what we are dealing with and how to move forward with or without her. It helps so much to "talk" to others like yourself who understand the dynamics and can relate to the feelings we are dealing with. The loss is overwhelming and is actually a physical pain. I can't even put my wedding album together from last year because it hurts too much and BF is in every family photo. I've even asked the photographer if it's possible to remove him from any of the pix because his betrayal is unspeakable. So many mixed emotions. I thought the worst was the suicide attempt 2 years ago and the ensuing hospitalization. That was nothing compared to this. There are no support groups in my area. NAMI deals primarily with depression and schizophrenia. This is a whole different animal. I drove as far as Philadelphia (100 miles) to go to a support group which was moderated by a clinician with whom I had done a phone consult. So few therapists deal with or are terribly knowledgeable about BPD. So it's a very lonely disease to deal with. This site helps a lot. Thank you for your thoughts and I hope your relationship continues to grow. Louise

[chooselove]

Wow, who of us hasn't been here to some degree now or in the past. My memories are stirred fresh reading through this post.  I recall the meltdowns I had when my BPD daughter first estranged herself from me years ago. And the panic I felt that there MUST be something I can do to dissuade her and bring her back into my loving and reassuring presence.  I felt it was so wrong, and that it should be illegal to dump a caring (if imperfect) family.  I've ridden the ups and downs (by far mostly downs) since then.  She always returned from her estrangements when she eventually missed me (well, that's what I told myself but it was more likely that she wanted something from me) and I took her back and said lots of "Thank you, God," prayers in the process.  But things got worse, and worse, and worse. The more I tried the more she punished me.  I finally reached the end of my rope (actually it was the end of many ropes) and have let her go.   I am being trashed in the process and she has found herself a new family, too. But I am celebrating. Because it could have been, and nearly was, so much worse.   I'm grateful she has someone she presently respects to guide her now and frankly, I need the break.  With a lot of therapy I have finally gotten to where I can detach.  There is a knowing that I have suffered a loss but it isn't so acute anymore. I still miss what could have been but have accepted that what "is" is bad for both her and me.  She needs to believe what she believes and I need to be around people who don't try to shame me or yell at me to shut up before I can get two words out.  She would often tell me a lot worse than that and it can't be good for her either.

I'm telling you this in hopes of letting you hear from someone who has struggled with an adult BPD daughter for many years and I have been the frightened, sleep-deprived, on her knees mother for nearly two decades.  I don't regret my actions because I did not know what I was dealing with and so I rejected all the people who suggested I was a co-dependent.  I knew deep down she needed help and that everyone else was weary of trying. I felt I was all she had who would take the verbal lashings and still be here for her.  I hold on to the belief that my being in her life saved her from herself quite a few times and while I now must endure the judgment of people who believe her stories about me, and accept that I won't be in her life the way I had hoped and dreamt all these years... . she is at least, safe and with people who do care about her.  She finally found the family she was yearning for.  I am on my knees again, thanking God, but this time, for the first time, I am not getting my heart ripped out. I am letting her go in peace. Perhaps because it's just plain time to do that. Some part of me knows she'll be okay this time.  She may meet someone, get married, have kids, and I won't be a part of it.  Strangely, it does not hurt like it used to, to realize that. Maybe God's good grace has numbed me. I recall thoughts like this being utterly unbearable.   She seems happy now, has a calm look on her face and she is making her way.  As someone who loves her more deep than words can express,  it is wonderful to see her finally working on herself (with the help of this new family) and I will not stand in the way, nor will I defend myself.  I will always send my prayers her way and hope one day the hole in her heart and mind heals.  It's a strange feeling to arrive at a place where I realize it's time to move on.  Maybe this is what's required for her to one day want to return... . I don't know.  But it seems on the inside this is what I'm being told to do. Surrender. Get some rest and rebuild.

[Loujaye]

Thank you, Chooselove, for your post. I wrote a long reply and computer ate it. You are so right about so many things and, as much as I don't want to be able to detach and accept, I know that these are goals I need to work towards. It just hurts so much. In the meantime I'm trying to give the people in my life the attention and love that were taken for granted during the time I was totally focused on BPDD's chaotic journey thru life. I've only been married a year and my husband deserves the best rather than worst of me. Same with my other daughter who has taken a backseat for years due to her BPDs sisters drama. I'm also doing my best to keep as busy as possible because then I can't dwell. But then, out of the blue, some memory will pop up and I'm reduced to tears. Luckily I see a therapist who knows BPD daughter well as she was her therapist for a time. So, one Baby step at a time and maybe someday I'll be able to accept this as my new normal. Or I'll wake up and the nightmare that my life has become will be over.

[suchsadness]

Hi Loujaye - and yes I am where chooselove is... . who has said exactly how I feel.   

I have reached that point where I have let go of my BPD dd36 and wish her all the best in her life.  If that means she is doing better without me and other members of her immediate family, then that is what I accept.  I still hurt deeply when I think of my 2 beautiful gs's being ripped from our lives and still deal with how it impacts their lives as well.  My T visits helped me through the initial no contact, then re-connect, and now no contact again.  I also am taking some medication for the anxiety that goes along with all of this... . and am doing much better than a year ago. 

I hope that you will be able to find a way to help yourself get through the anguish and initial shock of how someone you love so dearly can do this.  I am on board with chooselove in realizing that it is important for our pwBPD to find their way through life, and if that means filtering out people they have rage toward then it is probably what is best for them. 

Take care of yourself and know that there are many people here who are thinking of you and taking this journey with you.   

[Loujaye]

Such sadness, thank you for your comments. Can I ask you or anyone else who's gone thru these, how long your periods of separation were and did you have any contact at all during these? This is my first and we are going on 5 months since her departure and a few FB msgs which were reaffirmations on my end and slams on hers. I have no address and no phone number and she's made it perfectly clear she has replaced me with my mother from whom I'm estranged, ironically partially because of BPDD. My mother is a very ill woman but does not recognize it and, like my daughter, think it's all me. I'm the sick one, not her. Just wondering how you reacted to the reappearance of your BPD child? My husband and daughters love has been replaced by anger for now. I felt some anger after the last communication but the love and loss far exceed anger. I still struggle with disbelief and grief. I read the book Ambiguous Loss, which validated the immense grief and I am trying to keep busy and move forward. I'm on meds for both depression and anxiety as well as pain from fibromyalgia, but in the darkness and quiet of the night is when I dream of her and wake up crying. It's so good to be able to to share these thoughts because my H is finished with her controlling our lives and my emotions and so I cry alone with my dogs to catch my tears. It's the unknown and continued disbelief and hope that I can't let go of. Any and all suggestions for making the road a little easier to travel would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

I am sorry for your pain Loujaye, and it IS painful.

It is like a horrible bereavement made worse by the fact that they have chosen it and thrown our love back at us.

In my case the recent no contact lasted 4 months.

I am relieved to be back in contact but my DH and other daughter are where yours are -their love has been replaced by anger for now. So it is all very difficult and I feel like a united nations peace envoy.

My DD continues to punish and blame me so I know there is a danger of things breaking down again.

I may need to get to where chooselove and suchsadness are. I am working on this acceptance. (They express it beautifully).

What is helping me is building up my own life, mindfulness practice and working on extending .to her unconditional love for which she owes me nothing.

I am trying to let go of any investment in getting anything back from her emotionally.

I want to be able to be glad for any progress she makes whether or not I am involved in her life

Posting on here and reading other people's posts has also been a great help.

It is normal to grieve, allow yourself to cry but do look after yourself and build up your other relationships .

[suchsadness]

I can so relate to what you say about the tears Loujaye!  I used to lay in bed (the worst time of the day - with a still mind) silently crying with tears running down into my pillow to keep how deeply hurt I was from my dh, my dd's step father.  He was hurting because I was hurting and I didn't want to make that worse than what he saw during our wake hours.

The first time my dd went NC with me - I was devastated!  It lasted 6 months... . then came her birthday and Christmas.  My dh said she connected with me for the money/gifts that she knew I would give her despite the fact that she said I was dead to her.  She contacted me - and opened with "I forgive you"... .   We had a shallow relationship for the next few months - until I ended up in the middle of my 2 dd's issues, and my BPD dd ended up raging at me again and went NC for the second time in March.  I have to say, it was not as devastating and sadly helped me to accept the NC request from her.  I am at peace this time and know that this is what she wants, and any tears I shed at this point are for my dear grandsons.

What Lever said about taking care of yourself and building up other relationships is excellent advice.  I read several books that have been recommended on this site, visited my T, and spent a lot of time last summer reading posts on this board to help me "Get it" and understand as much as I could that what my dd was doing was/is part of the BPD behavior.  I don't always feel like accepting this is right and maybe I should try to contact her - but it was her request and I am honoring that for now.  I don't know what the future holds for us, if anything, I just know that for her sake and mine this is what's best.  Hang in there Loujaye and know that you are not alone. 

[Loujaye]

Lever and Suchsadness, thank you both for your wise words. This is a very difficult and lonely journey and it helps tremendously to hear from those who are unfortunately walking in my shoes. Because this is truly something that no one else can possibly understand the heartbreak of it without experiencing the chaos. I do not plan to contact my BPDD until or unless she contacts me as she was very clear in her last scathing message to me that those are her wishes. And I will honor them. Luckily no birthday until December so I have time before the pain special occasions bring comes again. Mothers Day was torture and I was hurt so deeply as I'm sure you were too. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. It helps so much. The only friend I have who can possibly understand my feelings is sadly my best friend who lost her child to cancer 9 years ago. But ambiguous loss like this is excruciating and so difficult to come to terms with. There is nor will there ever be closure.