When you truly detach, you start to see the negative BPD behaviors as helpful. My ex is impulsive, which means he can't stop himself from sending nasty emails that I use for documentation. He is extremely narcissistic, which means he underestimates me, no matter how many times he loses in court. The combination of both means he feels compelled to lecture me on how dumb I am, revealing what he plans to do or say next. He also drinks to excess, and this makes him disorganized.
Your ex plays on your sympathies, and assumes you aren't smart enough to figure him out. You are. Put together a list of questions for your lawyer -- what in the answer to the divorce complaint will the judge actually care about. Most judges don't read them, and a lot of what your ex says carries no weight. A lot of the legal stuff around financial settlement is very rule-bound and not at all emotional. If kids aren't involved, it's a lot less messy. When your ex riles you up like this, write down questions you need to ask your L about what matters, what doesn't. Usually, it will be very straightforward. I got to the point with my L where I would write an email that just said, "Is there anything in this document that I need to be concerned about?" Granted, I grew to trust her. Not everyone here feels that way about their lawyer.
BPD sufferers have an emotional logic in which there is very little to no empathy, and this puts them at a tremendous disadvantage in most relationships. Just because we fell prey to this disordered logic in our intimate relationship doesn't mean other people won't see it for what it is. Your ex lacks empathy, so most of what he does (without intensive therapy and treatment) will not benefit you. Including one-hour phone conversations. I agree with cobaltblue that one-hour conversations are probably of zero benefit and might actually harm you in the long run. Maybe if your boundaries are strong you could use these conversations for information gathering, but most of us struggle with boundaries during the early stages of divorce. Better to just use email. That might be a good boundary to practice now while you're getting your feet under you. See if you can assert this boundary, and then consistently stick to it. If you do, expect your ex to escalate in some way as he tests to see how serious you are.
Just move forward with the process, don't expect much from mediation but more posturing and bullying.
I'm in the same boat, going to mediation in a week. I expect it to last about 10 mins until she sees that she's not getting what she wants. There is no settling with a BPD. If you don't agree with what they want, they act as if there is something wrong with you. Don't play the game.
I agree with this in general, although keep in mind that you can also agree with the things you agree to, and then leave the things you don't to be decided later by the courts. In my mediation, we settled 90% after 9 hours of mediation. Talk to your lawyer about this. Ask if that's how it can work in your mediation. I was able to settle all of our financial affairs, and most of custody. I wouldn't agree to joint legal custody because I knew N/BPDx would prevent me from making decisions on behalf of S12 just to be difficult. So my order says the parties agree to all of these xyz things, and then one item said the parties cannot agree to joint legal custody and the issue must be brought before the judge. Eventually, we went to court for that one issue.
You don't want to wait 2 years on things that you need settled right now, and already you know your ex is willing to file for extensions and continuances. You have to settle your emotions as much as you can, and figure out how the laws work for your particular situation. Talk to a fee-only financial planner and present different scenarios to help figure out what would be a best-case for you.
Also, if you are still enmeshed with him and feel he will undermine you in mediation, ask about being in separate rooms. The benefit is that you aren't susceptible to his manipulations. The disadvantage is that you have to rely on the mediator to convey what is being said. And mediators are motivated to settle -- they pride themselves on that. In some ways, they are just another person you need to manage and second-guess. Everyone in that room will have an agenda, so you need to be crystal clear what your agenda is, what your bottom line is, what you're willing to negotiate. And just know that your lawyer and the mediator will exert subtle (sometimes not subtle at all) pressure on you to accept things. Chances are really good that you are going to end up in court, either to settle things, or to get your ex to comply, because: BPD. So if you sense that you are being persuaded to accept something that isn't reasonable, then end the session. The key is to know very clearly what you want, what you aren't willing to budge on, and how things work -- including what is reasonable for normal divorces, and what is reasonable for a high-conflict divorce. There's a big difference. For example, in BPD divorces, we spend a lot of money back in court, usually for non-compliance. You should budget for that in your mind when you settle.
Also, talk to your lawyer about who pays for mediation. If your ex is the sole breadwinner, or earns more than you, he should pay.