Mother's Day and its aftermath

[jeb]

My BPDD25 was invited by me to join myself and her brother to celebrate Mother's Day by going out to dinner together.  I did not know if she would accept but she did and I wasn't sure I wanted her to be there because she might have just ignored me and talked to my nonBPDs but that did not happen and we were all included in the conversation.  It was for the most part a successful evening and she even suggested later that we might watch the second year of a series on TV (we watched the first year together) beginning in June or go out with a friend of hers who is a real globe-trotter and whom I have known since she was 9 and I replied that sounded like a great idea.  But the thaw soon became a deep freeze again when a couple of text messages went unanswered.  Then out of the blue 5 days later she needed me for a couple of things, called me, and I happily obliged.  She was very grateful and said she hated having to ask favours but they were small favours and did not disrupt my life.  But once again the door has shut and my one text message (short and innocuous) has gone unanswered.  This on again off again relationship may last a long time as she refuses to admit she has BPD and refuses to go for the most reliable treatment which is DBT.  Meanwhile I am taking all the therapy I can get.  There is no doubt in anyone's mind (friends and myself) that she played a role in my marriage breakdown but I certainly do not lay all the blame at her feet.  There were other factors between my ex and myself also.

I have been reading the book by Valerie Porr "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" and I want to quote one sentence that I cling to so that I don't become overly guilt-ridden as she too blames me for what she is.  "Many parents are guilt-ridden, thinking that something they did or did not do might have prevented the disorder, but this is not so."

I am also coming to terms with the fact that no matter how much pain I am in, she is in more pain and full of self-loathing and hates her body (hence the anorexia and now bulimia) so I am trying to see her behaviour, no matter how abusive, with compassion and if I had done that 2 months ago instead of calling her an ungrateful b _ _ _ _ to her face... . I need to practise validation of her pain and perhaps accept that she is distancing herself so that she can work on her issues and also so she won't say something abusive. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS NOT REALLY REALLY HARD.

I am looking into attending a one day workshop being given in my city, Toronto, for family members to help them understand DBT and  how to apply it but if she doesn't buy into her diagnosis there is only so much I can do.  From the short conversation I had with her when she called for those favours, she indicated that she is still struggling with many things.  She has a therapist that she skypes with but this T is an expert on eating disorders not BPD so not sure how helpful it has been and she has been skyping with her since July 2012 when she returned from the eating disorder clinic that she attended in a different province. Almost two years with the same T and not much improvement from what I can see.

I want out of this endless loop but short of writing her off as virtually 'dead' don't know how to do it. I am guessing with continued NC my detachment may increase so that I feel the pain less intensely but not really sure if that will happen.  Others who have had longer periods of NC, does that happen? Detachment I mean.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Oh Jeb , you have worked hard and it looks like you're going in the right direction.

Regarding detachment- you will see from other posts that it is very,very difficult.

However when you start to understand more about the disorder I do think that it is possible to take things less personally.

There is a link in the lessons about encouraging people with BPD to seek help but, for now, I would let go of convincing her about BPD and focus on building your own skills at managing the relationship and improving communication.

Don't worry about her not answering every text. It will probably work best if you leave a lot of control with your DD.

I am glad that you are finding Valerie Porr's book helpful

[jellibeans]

jeb

I have seen you come so far... . really making some good steps forward with your dd... . be patient. Your dd is dealing with a lot and you don't know what battles she is fighting right now. Valerie Porr's book is my favorite book and has taught me so much. I am glad you are reading it. I wish I had some good advise for you... . all I can say is don't be hard on yourself. there is another post on the parent board about detachement... . did you see it? Not sure it is that easy when the person is your child... . maybe it isn't so much detachment but more of letting her find herself and that might be without you for a while. she is still young and has a lot of life to live... . this is not how it will alway be but it is how it is right now.

[chooselove]

I wouldn't worry about the texts either.  In the past when I texted my daughter I got into the habit of framing my words so that I wasn't looking to receive a reply... . that way I didn't give her the option to blatantly ignore me (which she did 99% of the time). It gave me a little sense of power in the relationship to not set myself up as the recipient of her nose in the air attitude.

It was not the passing of time that made detachment easier for me. It was the escalation of her rages and the things she was saying about me to others that helped me realize after so many years that there was nothing I could do to help her and our continued exchanges were damaging to her health from all the stress.  She has to deal with life on her own now and I actually think it is helping her at the moment because she tries hard with other people whereas with me, it all sinks into the blame and shame game.

Regarding therapists, your instincts are probably right on.  There is one therapist my daughter has consulted with over the years who always empathized with her about her "terrible mother."  This therapist never spoke with or even met me.  She went entirely on my daughter's account of things.  I suppose that's why my daughter kept going to her since she quit every therapist who suggested she herself had some responsibility to the relationship.

As difficult as detachment is, it does give you room to take care of yourself and let them poke around in other areas of their life and gain some new perspective.

[jeb]

Thank you to those who have responded.  I am going to remember what you said, jellibeans, about "this is not how it will always be but how it is right now".  It just seems like it might be forever but that is the half-empty glass talking.  I also appreciate what you said, chooselove about sending messages that do not require a reply.  That is exactly what I did.  I did not ask any questions but just said that I hoped things were going well for her at work so I completely get what you are saying.  I don't know how often I should send a message or just wait for her to contact me because anything I say could be misinterpreted no matter how innocent it seems to me. Should I bother with just things like "hope all is well" and leave it at that or say nothing at all?  It's just that she still calls her 'mommy' when she needs a favour and I jump to do her bidding just for some contact however minuscule.

[chooselove]

Well, having been the mommy who jumped at every chance to show my daughter how I was there for her, and who sent her emails/texts during our early estrangements to show her how I was not giving up on her... . what I can say in my experience years later is that it did not change how she treated me for the better.  It just gave her more entitlement to me and more boldness in treating me like some at-her-beck-and-call servant.  I'm detached now and enjoying new boundaries and not sending her any texts or messages.  She is not treating me any better, but I am feeling much better with a sense of self-respect.  I have come to realize that if anyone else had done to me what she's done over the years, I would have called the police a time or two plus instituted a restraining order.  She had my number and she used it to her full advantage.  She manipulated me for all it was worth and I went along with it, thus standing in the way of her growing up.  It was so hard to say not to simple requests like "do my laundry," or "feed me" or "call these people and persuade them to do this or that for me"... . and like a good secretary/maid I was right there.  If I hinted at saying no she would come at me with, "No mother would behave that way" or "You're so selfish" or "I'm taking care of you when you're old so you should help me now"... . and on and on.  I just kept thinking that I was being nice to her like I would be to any good friend... . but none of my friends were abusive to me like she is. 

I'm guessing the texts you are sending, however benign are giving her the comfort that she has you wanting her and that she is in control.  They don't seem to be able to rest in our love. They seem to need us to constantly prove it and it is never ever enough.  I can't tell you what to do because no one could tell me.  My heart ached too much for me to listen to anyone else.  I had to do what I had to do.  I guess in that sense we are similar to them so we make good dance partners. 

[jellibeans]

Jeb

If you feel like a servant then I think you need to look at your boundaries again or maybe work what you want out of the relationship when she asks for something. If you are wanting to spend time with her and she asks for a ride or something like that maybe you could suggest that you both have lunch together first or after. Maybe you would feel like you were getting something out of the adventure and not being just her servant. I like the suggestion of sending emails that don't need a reply as well. It is hard for me to tell how often to send those kind though. Do you have any traditions as a family? Sunday dinner? That is something my family did when I was growing up... . everyone would get together for a big sunday dinner. Is there something like that?

[jeb]

No unfortunately jellibeans, there are no real traditions especially since her father has remarried and she really likes her 'step-mother'.  I say that in quotes because when they got married in 2013, my DD was 24 years old so in what way has this wonderful woman, according to my daughter, been her mother.  She certainly did not raise her and has had many opportunities herself to see my daughter's BPD in full blown close-up colour as my DD sometimes gets into stormy arguments with her father also.  Believe me the new wife does not want to be her mother!  I usually rely on Mother's Day, Canadian Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, both the latter of which I have 10 people to my condo, including myself and my kids and two other families over as well.  Otherwise there are no scheduled events.  I am hoping to set up a Saturday in August like I did last year to visit my brother and his family at their cottage and that went very well.  In the meantime she might text my on my birthday (July) or not and I am trying to come up with a suitable gift for her birthday (also in July).  I know I have lots of time but it is hard to make sure I don't offend her with my gift.

[jellibeans]

Jeb

Do you think you could suggest a new tradition? Maybe the first sunday in the month you save for an outing? A lunch date? You think she would be open to that? Unfortunately you will always be the villain... . I think the mothers are usually a big target. I am originally from  Toronto too... . have you heard about the borderline walk they do there? The group that puts that on might have some help for you too.