Question about BPD

[zippe]

Do they really think "you" (NonBPD) are the problem or are they just making them self feel better by blaming. I feel like my wife is convinced I am the only problem in her life. Is this consciously or subconsciously in BPDs?

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[maxsterling]

How old is your wife?  Is she diagnosed BPD, and if so, for how long? 

My GF blames me for everything.  If not me, others.  But she also admits that it has nothing to do with me, that it is projection, shame, or jealousy.  She has been diagnosed BPD for over a decade, been in therapy for two+ decades.  Yet she still blames, and can't stop herself in the moment.  I really think she knows deep down that I am not the problem.  And I know she feels worse after she blames me.  But in the moment - I don't think she is trying to make herself feel better, she's just "programmed" to project and blame, because the shame of looking at herself is far too intense.

I think the blaming helped her feel better when she was younger, but now in her late 30s she recognizes patterns and herself as a common theme in her multitude of failed relationships.  20 years ago, she could blame a boyfriend, write him off, and move on.  Now, she blamed me, and I think starts the "oh crud, I am doing it again." and then feels intense shame.  Just last week she was telling me I am crap for not having proposed to her, yet a few hours later telling me what a horrible person she is and she should leave me.

[zippe]

Thanks for the response. My wife is 29 years old and we've been married for 6 years. She does not know she has BPD. I just found out a few weeks ago and this is all very new to me.

Our second marriage counselor who I now see alone (as my wife walked out) diagnosed her while we were in therapy together. She never told her but mentioned to me a few weeks ago that while she was in therapy she diagnosed her with BPD.

She blames me for everything wrong in her life and was wondering if deep down inside she really knew that I am not to blame.

[Lilibeth]

Zippe, you'll find a lot of answers here - and a lot of wisdom - and techniques that will help you. Since they have no control over themselves, we need to get strong and in a way protect our hearts... . concentrate on doing that. And don't feel alone. We're all struggling, but you will find wise people here who will help you understand and cope.

[bruceli]

Thanks for the response. My wife is 29 years old and we've been married for 6 years. She does not know she has BPD. I just found out a few weeks ago and this is all very new to me.

Our second marriage counselor who I now see alone (as my wife walked out) diagnosed her while we were in therapy together. She never told her but mentioned to me a few weeks ago that while she was in therapy she diagnosed her with BPD.

She blames me for everything wrong in her life and was wondering if deep down inside she really knew that I am not to blame.

Exact same situation with me and yes, she blames me for the way she feels and behaves because I make her do it.  If I could control my behavior all would be OK.

[an0ught]

Hi zippe,

Do they really think "you" (NonBPD) are the problem or are they just making them self feel better by blaming. I feel like my wife is convinced I am the only problem in her life. Is this consciously or subconsciously in BPDs?

there are plenty of people also on this side of the fence that see the problems primarily on the other side. When the relationship becomes distressed it will be true for both parties that on the other side there are a low of issues and both sides are factually right. Another truth however is that one is way more effective cleaning on the own side than trying to direct the neighbor.

Having said this there is a kernel of insight in your question "Is this consciously or subconsciously in BPDs?". People with BPD struggle to regulate their own emotions. As a result they are projecting a lot of emotions on others as part of their own coping. Projection often involves distortions and so it is not unusual for a pwBPD to have a very emotionally colored view of their surroundings.

At the moment your relationship is distressed and she is upset, angry... . . And so something must cause it and what is close and convenient to blame is you.


There is little you can achieve by directly confronting these distortions. What works however is validation which decreases the pressure to distort. What also helps are boundaries which make it harder to project. I would encourage you to pick one of the two skills, focus on it, work through the corresponding workshops, discuss it here and apply it more and more confidently in your life. It won't fix her but it will help you and will help her indirectly too.