Do those with BPD/udBPD know what they're doing?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My husband is undiagnose but undoubtedly has BPD.  I struggle with knowing he's very sick in the head.

When they do really mean things like silent treatment, crazy making, name calling, gaslighting, make false accusations, etc... . do they realize what they are doing?  Is it something in their brain that makes them do this, or do they choose to do this stuff on purpose?

My husband is currently on a rampage to destroy me (at 11 weeks pregnant at that).  All week he's been doing nothing but tearing me down, calling me names, trying to intimidate me and involving our son in it by telling him lies about me (he's only 5).  Is he doing all this on purpose or is it BPD?

Just last week he was telling me how he's really going to try to stop this because he loves me and wants to be with me forever. But a small incident happens where it upsets him and he starts doing this stuff again.

I just don't get it

[CryingOut4Help]

My husband is undiagnose but undoubtedly has BPD.  I struggle with knowing he's very sick in the head.

When they do really mean things like silent treatment, crazy making, name calling, gaslighting, make false accusations, etc... . do they realize what they are doing?  Is it something in their brain that makes them do this, or do they choose to do this stuff on purpose?

My husband is currently on a rampage to destroy me (at 11 weeks pregnant at that).  All week he's been doing nothing but tearing me down, calling me names, trying to intimidate me and involving our son in it by telling him lies about me (he's only 5).  Is he doing all this on purpose or is it BPD?

Just last week he was telling me how he's really going to try to stop this because he loves me and wants to be with me forever. But a small incident happens where it upsets him and he starts doing this stuff again.

I just don't get it

[FigureIt]

I think on some level they know they do it.  If not right during their rage, afterwards.  Sometimes I think they feel guilty, but other times I think they blame us to justify their actions.

Mine raged at me this past sat. because I wanted to go home around 10pm (when everyone else had also left) and not stay out.  He went on & on, even to calling me a bad parent, telling me he supports my ex-husband (who he "hates", etc.  On Sunday when I approached him he admitted all the things he said was wrong, but it was due to being frustrated by me because I have been down for about 2months, and at least one day a week I may snap abruptly at a question/comment he has. 

In the past his frustration at work, other family, etc. have cause him frustration, and again I have been the recipient of the nastiness!

[NotASnowflake]

I agree with FigureIt for the most part. But I know that in my case, there is rarely guilt that is communicated to me and there is only an apology if I ask for one. Most of the time, what I did or said justified the anger and reactions, regardless of the truth of the situation. I'm not saying I'm innocent, because I'm beginning to recognize my role in our dynamics and change my reactions.

I have also noticed that my wife does not recognize the similarities between her and her mother. I'm not going to take a guess whether her mother has BPD. But I do know that the way her mother treats her father upsets her very much and she voices this to me often. It's ironic because most of the behaviors she describes are very similar to the way she deals with me and our relationship. As far as I know, she cannot see the similarities at all.

[maxsterling]

Two days ago, my gf was feeling lonely and distressed at home.  So, I invited her to come meet me at lunch.  She got here and proceeded to give me grief about how I am causing her issues because I have not proposed to her.  After 15 minutes of blaming and otherwise emotional abuse, she said "I really don't want to have this conversation anymore, because I am afraid I will start abusing you."    On some level she knows, and knows well.  I just think her emotions race and she can't stop herself. 

[AimingforMastery]

Two days ago, my gf was feeling lonely and distressed at home.  So, I invited her to come meet me at lunch.  She got here and proceeded to give me grief about how I am causing her issues because I have not proposed to her.  After 15 minutes of blaming and otherwise emotional abuse, she said "I really don't want to have this conversation anymore, because I am afraid I will start abusing you."    On some level she knows, and knows well.  I just think her emotions race and she can't stop herself. 

That is at least somewhat encouraging.

Good luck in your decision

[Stalwart]

I've spoken in depth with a lot of different people with BPD on this specific issue and it's really complicated because there are so many levels of contact and reasons for them.

It's my experience that unless they are in a total psychotic state they are always aware afterwards that they have done these things and generally know that they have 'egged' the situation on to develop it. It isn't premeditated to do this most say it just 'comes over them' and they can't help but engage in a conflicting situation and vent their rage. I know in my case in the past my wife would purposely set out to antagonize, 'bait' and develop a problem or situation just for the purpose of venting rage.

The problem is they don't seem to be able to stop it while they are engaged in it. Almost immediately afterward they recognize they did and most experience a high degree of guilt and personal upset as a result of knowing that, even if they don't express it in remorse or apologies.

I know now that my wife is more 'mindful' of her actions as a result of knowing her illness, learning more about it and taking CBT therapy that she recognizes she is doing it and can stop herself. She also usually apologizes immediately. That's great because it then opens up the door for me to explore why is dysregulated, what is really bothering her and understand better what I can or can't do to help with the negative feelings she experiencing.

The real baffling part to me is something I'm currently talking to a couple of people about. That's when they say they start to rage on a person as a result of it reminding them of some incident from the past and they are actually raging about the past incident to or 'at' the spouse. The spouse has actually stepped into the role of the person that offended them in the past. I really can't figure out yet if when they do this they actually see the person from the past standing in front of them or they can see their spouse standing in front of them. I'm very careful when I ask questions not to be at all critical or trigger aproblem with what I've asked or how I approach it.

This is something that is really hard for them to articulate and put into words as an experience. But there are a lot of people who do exactly that; and break into vengeful, mean, erratic rages reliving past feelings and experiences in this moment. Very confusing to me, it's also very confusing to them when they again, realize they've done this (if they recognize they have.)

If any one else knows any thing or has experience with this it would be great to hear because it is really baffling.

[OutOfEgypt]

I agree with FigureIt, too.  There is a sense in which they know and are aware.  My ex would tell me how she knew she was "punishing" me.  She held so much contempt for how I failed her she felt she "had to".  But on the other hand, I think they are clueless -and they are so absorbed into their own chaotic inner world that they don't have the capacity to truly attach and to feel empathy for how they are hurting those who love them.  It's both.  It's hard to know if they are clueless or are just acting clueless.  Sometimes, it would appear that my ex actually believed her own lies and would act so hurt that people didn't believe her.  My ex shared things with me about her feelings toward men, for example, that showed me also that she was pretty lucid about some of the sadistic things she felt.  I believe there is sincerity in their desire to "love" and, like for me, my ex wife always wanted to "protect me" from all the terrible things she experienced.  I believe she meant it.  But she became my biggest tormentor and persecutor.  Ironic?

I'm not sure there is really a benefit to trying to know how much of it they are doing intentionally, unless you are trying to understand if they are just "evil" or something?  Much of it is likely unconscious, but as we all have seen there is some lucidity in there, as well.  I tend to think of it kinda like an attention-seeking child.  Some of what they do is very calculating.  Some of it is just "normal" to them.  They've been like this for most of their lives, so it is engrained and "automatic".  They've learned to survive like this.  My ex wife would pick her skin like crazy, sitting there for hours and hours in front of the mirror in the bathroom, and I bet a lot of that was a way of coping with all of the awful things she felt and thought about inside.  She told me it calmed her, helped her feel in control.  It gave her something to focus on.  Their world inside, despite what they claim and how they deceive themselves at times, must be chaotic.  I don't think of this necessarily as a "broken brain" thing.  I think of it more as a broken person thing.  They are emotionally broken.  Their coping strategies (avoiding blame, emotionally dominating and controlling loved ones, demanding attention, manipulation) are pathological and, though they are probably truly unhappy inside, their own coping strategies keep them from seeking help.