uBPD wife filed for divorce in February

[kfifd196]

My uBPD wife filed for divorce in February, days after professing her love for me, to ME and to all of Facebook... . So, it came as a shock to everyone.  She was triggered, the night before she filed and we had been just talking about going to a marital retreat, to make our marriage even stronger and renew our vows.  She snapped, bit me, abandoned our home and filed for divorce.  A false restraining order ensued, and another attempt was made after, but thank God, I had emails, to back me up!  Needless to say, the first RO was downgraded to a Civil Restraint, allowing me to pick up\drop off our daughter, but per my wife, I am NOT allowed to talk about reconciling... . a weird request and I'm not alllowed to contact her family or friends.  Since then, she has been on the fast track to divorce and is being a real b___... . split me black and has devalued me.  

As I was boxing up her things, I found books on Mood Disorders, Unstable Relationships and how to stop controlling people.  I had emails and texts, love notes & Cards apologizing to me, admitting her issues and thanking me for being patient and standing by her.  TODAY, I found a 4 page letter, I never was given, apologizing for everything, saying how grateful and blessed she is and how much she really loves me and is sorry for the pain she's caused me, etc etc etc... .  

HOW CAN I LEGALLY STOP MY DIVORCE OR POSTPONE IT AND GET HER HELP, WITHOUT SPENDING A FORTUNE?  It is very obvious she has split me black, due to her trigger.  We've had 4 major arguments, due to her triggers of insecurity and abandonment, in which she went into rages, then apologized.  This is the 1st time she hasn't apologized and has done everything to destroy me!  But, her letters, etc show her love for me.  She also gave me a list of 365 reasons she loves me (1 for each day to open) and her wedding vows, this past year, even thanked me for being patient with her.  I KNOW HER UNDIAGNOSED DISORDER IS CAUSING THIS... . And she has convinced her family I am the problem... .  WHAT CAN I DO?  We go to mediation this week... .  Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, you can't stop a divorce.  It takes two to make a marriage work.  It only takes one to sabotage it.  Even someone who is inconsistent with love/hate is allowed to end a marriage.

Also, consider this, even if you manage to somehow get her to switch back into a better frame of mind, it's very possible that she will do this again in the future.  I'm not saying it would happen again, but just that she would have to want to change and then stick with intensive therapy.  That's a tall order for anyone, immensely difficult for her.  And you can't do it for her.

What indication has she given that she wants to seek real help and not just vacillate between love and hate cycles?  Now that a divorce has started, it's very possible you're permanently painted black.  After all, she's gone so far as to make formal legal allegations against you, that's something very difficult to undo.  A common report we have here is that the disordered person always refers to prior relationships as abusive ones, it's an aspect of blame shifting, it wasn't ever the disordered persons fault.  (Or you can be painted black even faster if there is ever a next time.)

Also, let me relate something that happened with me so you won't be caught off guard by trick questions and tripped up by your normal feelings which can easily be used against you.  When my then-separated spouse and I were in court with allegations against each other, her lawyer asked me, ":)o you want her back?"  I was aware that he had just asked me my weight compared to hers, alluding that a weight difference ought to make her fearful of me, I knew he was angling to paint me as a controller who wanted his target back under his control.  So I answered, "Not the way she is."

You will find many nuggets of wisdom here.  Sadly, sometimes we didn't think of them until afterward when our golden opportunity was past.  Here is one possible response to be prepared to use in case your spouse ever alleges she's fearful of you because you're much larger than she is... .

... . in court during mutual protection cases, when I testified about her actions and her threats, her attorney asked me if I weighed more than her (of course) wanted to divorce (of course not) then he said I must want to control her.  Huh?  How could he ever say that of me?  I just said no.  I should have replied (remember this, guys, in your own testimonies and cross-examinations) our child is smaller than both of us, should our child fear us because we're bigger?  Anyway, he then asked if I wanted her back home that night, I guess still pursuing that 'controlling husband' strategy.  Fortunately, I said, No, not the way she is.

I'm not saying you can't seek solutions other than divorce but be very, very careful.  Your good intentions can be mischaracterized and be used to paint the wrong picture of you.

If she is unwilling to seek counseling or therapy then you have to make your decisions based on that refusal.

We encourage you to be as involved in parenting as you can be.  Alternate weekends is the typical minimum, nothing wrong with that - when the children have two reasonably normal parents.  But if a parent is disordered with BPD or a similar acting out PD, then the kids, if possible, need more than minimal contact with the reasonably normal parent.  So I encourage you to seek as much parenting time and responsibility as you can.  Now, from the very start, let it be known to the professionals (investigators, evaluators, your lawyer, family court) that you want as much involvement in parenting as possible, it will be much harder to get more later.  That raises the question, how attached to or possessive of the kids is she?  (If she is willing to wander off and have less involvement with the children, then let her go.  It will be easier all around for her to have less impact on the children.)

Understand that few if any of the professionals will try to get her to change.  Most deal with people as they are.  So you have to do likewise.  Don't expect her to improve, deal with what IS.  If she is not seen as abusive - and few are since most of their poor adult behaviors are either directed at the spouse and mostly ignored or the poor parenting behaviors are not seen as rising to the level of being 'actionable' - then you need to strategize well to get and keep every advantage in parenting that you can.

You will have to navigate the chaos, delays and obstructions in the months to come.  You have to be as prepared and firm as you can be in order to stand up to the intense emotional barrage you'll face from her in mediation and divorce.  For example, the mediator will likely look to find a way get a deal between you two, getting the best results for the children may get lost in the shuffle.  You're the only one you can count on to speak up for the children.  So whenever there are issues she won't budge on, let the mediator know that you feel differently and state that your position is what's best for the children.  Hopefully your mediator will be experienced enough to try to work with you despite your spouse's obstructions, distortions and baseless but hugely emotional claims.

I don't want to paint such a picture of your situation, but it's one you need to weigh when determining how much applies in your case.  Maybe she will change, no one knows for sure but you have to be prepared if things continue downhill.  I know you want to stay in rescuer mode but that may be the wrong hat to wear after allegations have been made and divorce filed.  A firefighter doesn't wear a baseball hat to a fire.  This separation and impending divorce means you shouldn't be wearing just a rescuer hat, though you're welcome to keep it handy in a pocket in case the opportunity arises.  Sorry, that's how I see it.

For self protection I'd recommend you keep safe the documentation where she apologizes, for all you know you may need some of it to protect yourself from future allegations.  This may seem unfair but frankly she's not being fair and you need everything you can get to protect yourself and your future years of parenting.  Remember, this isn't just about her, it's also about your parenting, your child and her future.

[livednlearned]

I really feel for you, kfifd196.

Trying to rescue your wife and rescue your marriage at the same time is a double whammy.

If you live in a no-fault divorce state, you can't legally stop the marriage. In a fault state, to my knowledge there are only different defenses for the types of faults raised. Even then, courts are not in the business of trying to force a couple to stay married. For good reason, if you think of it from a individual rights/policy point of view. It would be a true nightmare if the court had power to make people stay married. It's one thing that they have authority over what's best for the kids.

Also, let's say that you could legally stop the divorce. What's to stop her from filing again? And again? And again... . today she loves you, tomorrow she doesn't, ad infinitum.

[david]

"I KNOW HER UNDIAGNOSED DISORDER IS CAUSING THIS"  and until she gets real help things will not get better. Trying to appease someone with a disorder is not a good solution. The only one that can get help is the disordered person and that person has to want to get help.

If she does get help she may change into someone you do not recognize. Your relationship is based on one person having a disorder. If you met her and she didn't have the disorder you may not have started a relationship in the first place. From everything I have read proper treatment for BPD takes at least 3 years and usually longer.

My ex left in 2007 and I recently discovered she has been seeing a therapist since 2006. She is no better than she was before. I have not been within 20 yards of her in 4 plus years. I only communicate through email. That has been since 2008. I am still acussed in her emails of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. It depends on how she is feeling. I stopped trying to reason with her years ago because you simply can not.

I live in a no fault state and my ex filed for divorce in 2007. Legally the longest it should take is two years. Our divorce took 4 plus years because ex kept dragging things out in court. It cost a lot more money for nothing.

[Matt]

Well I'm not an attorney, and nobody here can give you legal advice.  But we can all share what we've learned from our own experiences, as David and FD and LnL are doing.

A couple of thoughts... .

First, about mediation.  I think you need to be prepared for it.  Think about what the purpose of mediation is - is it to save the marriage, for example?  Is that what both you and your wife, and the mediator, can all agree is the purpose?  Or is there some other purpose for you or for one of them?

If the purpose is to save the marriage, then I think what FD and everybody are saying is, you cannot have a healthy and safe marriage with someone who has a seriously psychological disorder and is not getting the right treatment.  None of us can diagnose your wife, but people don't do the stuff she has done if they are mentally healthy, so there's some problem - BPD or whatever.

The good news is, BPD and other psych disorders are treatable.  One study by a group affiliated with Harvard Medical School found that when a person with BPD gets the required treatment - intensive talk-therapy - and stays with it for five years, there is a higher than 80% chance she will achieve "remission of major symptoms" - she'll still have BPD but she'll be able to function well.

The bad news is, most people with BPD - including my ex - will not accept treatment.  The disorder is strong and won't allow them to change.

So how can mediation help?

Well my suggestion would be, bring a notebook with you.  Let the mediator take the lead, but look for a chance to ask, "What is our objective?" and see what your wife and the mediator say.  When your wife talks, if she makes accusations or false statements, write them down word-for-word, and when it's your turn, repeat what she said - "Just now you said that I did such-and-such.  Do you believe that is true?"  Let her back down - and then write down what she says - or if she repeats the accusation, make note of that too.  The point is to highlight what she is accusing you of, and make it clear that her accusations must be dealt with - she either has to admit they are false, or the marriage will not be saved.

Look for opportunities to set boundaries.  For example, when I went through this, my boundary was, "I will not be alone with Mrs. Matt until it is clear what the problem is that has caused her behavior, and she is getting the recommended treatment for it."  That caused a big outburst - she didn't want to accept that she had a behavior problem and needed help - which was exactly my point.  I wasn't safe around her - she had accused me of assault - and I don't think you are safe around your wife either - her behavior is too out-of-control and there's no telling what she might do.

So if you establish some boundaries - what you will and won't do and what you will and won't accept - and if you state those clearly and consistently, you might be able to create a fork in the road - will your wife take the "improvement path" or stay on the path she's on?  Might take more than one session, and you might have to be patient and let the mediator do her job her way.  But make it clear what choices you are looking for, and then let your wife decide - will she seek change or not?

Second thought, along those same lines - your safety... .

I would suggest you not communicate with her by any means other than e-mail, or through your lawyer.  The reason is that if you talk to her directly, she can claim you threatened her, and if you meet with her anywhere, unless there is a non-family adult third party present, she can accuse you of anything, and you may be presumed guilty til proven innocent.  Many of our members here - including me - have been accused of stuff and have gone to jail or had other big problems as the result.  When someone is acting out - trying to hurt you - one of the easiest and most effective ways she can do that is to accuse you of something.  The only effective way to prevent it is not to be alone with her.

E-mail leaves a trail.  It may also be legal in your state to audio record - you can find out online or ask an attorney.  Gather evidence in case you need it, to defend yourself against criminal charges or to show she is not telling the truth in the divorce case.

Long story short, if your goal is to save the marriage, and you put that ahead of your own safety, you are in for big trouble.  If you establish some boundaries you might be able to find a path to a healthy marriage, but only if your wife gets diagnosed and treated.

[david]

A few more thoughts.                                                                                                           Ex kicked our then S10 out of her place on our then S6 birthday. She gets triggered on birthdays for some reason. She called to tell me to pick him up or she was calling the police to have him taken away and that he was not welcome to live with her. I drove over. Unfortunately I didn't have anyone with me or any recording device. Ex started with me, I remained calm and left asap. I was later arrested and charged with assault. I went to jail for two weeks. I didn't touch her or say anything negative towards her. After I was released I purchased an audio and a video recorder. Ex knows I have them and still tried approaching me several times. I turned them on and she walked away. I never go anywhere without them now.

I think the marriage can be saved if she gets proper treatment. That is her decision and trying to influence, guide, help her will in all likelyhood backfire by her accusing you of trying to control her.  I've been on this site for a few years now and that is a common theme. If she makes that choice and gets well I would think you would know. That also is a common theme on this site.

When my ex first left I figured out my priorities. Number one was our two boys. I found a therapist to help me get focused. I realized early on that she needed to figure herself out and get the help she needed. When I suggested getting help, in any way, it always triggered her and made things worse.

I also realized that by focusing on our two children, if she ever did get better she would realize I did the right thing for all of us. 

[Matt]

When I suggested getting help, in any way, it always triggered her and made things worse.

Yeah, the "common themes" David mentions are really very common here.

Let's talk about ways to maybe nudge her toward treatment without "suggested getting help".

If you say, "I think you have BPD.", that will probably be taken negatively not only by your wife but by all the professionals involved too.

If you say, "I think you should see a psychologist and get diagnosed.", same thing.

What led to my wife's diagnosis was, I filed a motion with the court, asking for a Custody Evaluator to be appointed, and he administered the MMPI-2 to both of us.  If you don't have kids, you can't go exactly that route, but you might be able to say, at some point in the process, "I wonder if either of us might have some problem that would require individual treatment, and if so, maybe that needs to be figured out in order for the marriage to work.  How about if we find a psychologist and get evaluated - both of us - and then see where we go from there?".

Your wife might reject that, and then you have your answer.

Or she might agree.  She might even think you have the problem not her, so both of you being evaluated will be a good thing (in her mind).

In any case, the professionals involved are more likely to support this approach - both of you being evaluated - than any amateur diagnosis you might make (as correct as your diagnosis might be).

One thing to be careful about:  many members here have found that even qualified professionals can't always separate truth from baloney, and many of our spouses with BPD are really good at baloney;  they might even believe some of the things they say that are objectively false.

So it will be best to make sure that the evaluations will use an objective, proven instrument like the MMPI-2.

My wife's MMPI-2 results not only led to her diagnosis, but also showed that she had "presented falsely" when she was taking the evaluation.  You want something that will diagnose your wife accurately so she can decide if she wants to get treatment for whatever the problem is.

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . My wife is seeing a Psychologist (she doesn't know I know), but who knows what she's telling him... . she lied to other T's we went to for marriage counseling and blamed everything on me... . And, the T's sided with her!  At least she blew up into a rage in front of one of them, but she only went back once after that (and alone), so I don't know what she said, but she came back saying the T suggested we divorce!  I was ticked! 

My wife's trigger is women.  My wife is absolutely gorgeous (and I tell her all the time).  She was Miss Teen and Miss German-America.  So, I don't know why she is so insecure, but she flipped, because I had the Bachelor on (accidentally left the TV on, when Wheel of Fortune ended) and she blamed me for having it on cause "there's women on there!" and also accused me of an affair with Jessica Simpson, when her commercial aired, during the Super Bowl.  I'm questioned about EVERY girl I've been friends with, even if they're commenting on our Wedding Pictures for crying out loud... . They're congratulating us and she's jealous.  It triggers rage and she destroys things (often sentimental things, such as a personalized snowglobe I had made for her on our wedding day) and physically assulted me.

I feel horrible I didn't validate her feelings in the past, but I was hurt she was attacking me.  I didn't understand her pain or what she was feeling.  Now I do, but it's too late and I can't explain it to her.  I've tried in an email and she got mad. 

Can I have anyone intervene somehow and show the evidence, that she really does love me, but her issues (as she wrote in her own writing) have declared me black and we should go to counseling, before this divorce is finalized?  We had an amazing, fairytale marriage.  She raved about it and I have all of that in writing, up until the last day before she snapped... .   There's a pattern and a history, but I don't know who to talk to or how I can get anyone to listen to me... .

[Matt]

It might be possible to subpoena her psychologist and/or her records.

But if there hasn't been objective testing that's not likely to help.  The psychologist will probably look for ways to help her patient - that's what she's supposed to do.  Only if there has been objective testing can you "prove" a disorder.

She has destroyed valuable objects and physically assaulted you.  The next place she's likely to go is accusations - she can call 911 and claim you assaulted her or threatened her and you may be considered guilty til proven innocent.

I think you need to get a lawyer and look for ways to protect yourself.

At the same time, you can let her know that if she decides to work on herself, and gets a psych eval and a diagnosis, and the recommended treatment, you will agree to put the divorce on hold and see how that goes.

[kfifd196]

Thank you.  I already have a lawyer, but he's interested in divorce, not saving my marriage.  He doesn't see it the same way I do or understand BPD.  He just thinks she doesn't want to be married any longer.  I know differently.

She did file a restraining order against me, which was dropped to a civil restraint, which only allows me to discuss our daughter and lets us exchange her back and forth.  I am restricted from talking about reconciling and talking with her family and friends.  I believe this is an attempt to keep her "past" under wraps, as she has said she fears I will declare her unfit and try to take the baby away.  This can't be further from the truth.  I think our daughter needs both parents and needs us healthy.  I would never take her away unless I thought she was going to be hurt physically, although I'm worring about the emotional trauma as well.  Last week when I went to drop my daughter off, she didn't want to go to her mommy, which was weird.  My wife got pissed at me over it and threatened to file another TRO, which my lawyer threatened a harassment charge if she didn't stop the false accusations.

She filed for divorce after she bit me.  Again, I think it was because she and her family realize her actions have gotten to the point that she's going to wind up in Jail or have our child taken away if she continues the relationship and snaps again... .

How can I get an eval?

[david]

It takes two to save a marriage and only if both parties are willing to work at it and be honest. False allegations are not a starting point to save a marriage. I never made a false allegation against my wife even when I had opportunities to do so and I would have benefited in court.

I was in court once and my stbx was lying on the stand. It wasn't the first time. I picked up a piece of paper from a pile in front of me. She was looking in my direction. I handed it to my atty. It had nothing to do with what stbx was saying. I told my atty she was lying. Within seconds she changed her testimony. That proved to me that even though she has BPD she knew she was lying.

My ex was never diagnosed with BPD. I believe she has some kind of disorder and from everything I read I believe it is BPD. Once the adoring stage of BPD comes to an end there is really little you can do.

It might be a good idea if you found a therapist for yourself. You have written about a lot of things that are red flags for me now. It took me time to process the things that were going on.

Your daughter "didn't want to go to her mommy, which was weird." It could have been nothing significant. However childrens communication skills are limited. It could have been something the child was trying to communicate. Little kids usually learn to lie when they get around 4 or 5. Before that they can be brutally honest with their expressions and feelings. The problem is they don't know how to express what they are feeling because of their limitations.

[Matt]

How can I get an eval?

File a motion with the court, asking that a Custody Evaluator be appointed - a Ph.D. psychologist who can administer the MMPI-2 to both parents.

[ForeverDad]

I am restricted from talking about reconciling and talking with her family and friends.

Well, that makes it simple.  You can't.  Maybe the topic can come up in mediation but remember my strong counsel not to appear a Controller trying to get his Target back.  Since she has made allegations, that's how it could initially look to the professionals.  Don't violate the order or do anything to enable her to claim you did.

Last week when I went to drop my daughter off, she didn't want to go to her mommy, which was weird.

That happened to me too.  We separated when our son was nearly 4.  I recall the first week he was with me and I mentioned her once or twice and he wouldn't talk about her, he actually changed the subject.  On the way to the first exchange - she had gotten an ex parte TRO of her own - he begged the whole trip to stay with me.  For a couple years he often fought not to return to his mother at exchanges, especially if he was tired or sleepy.  He would always come running to me when my time started, so of course upon return she would glare at me and accuse, "What did you do to him?"   However, once he got used to the exchanges, he 'accepted' the situation.  That was both a short term relief but a long time concern.

Although your daughter is very young, be careful not to invalidate her observations and reactions.  The topic of validation and invalidation is discussed in Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  Even more essential right now is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger.

She filed for divorce after she bit me.  Again, I think it was because she and her family realize her actions have gotten to the point that she's going to wind up in Jail or have our child taken away if she continues the relationship and snaps again... .   How can I get an eval?

With the TRO she filed, maybe she can force you to be evaluated as the Respondent, but you have no leverage to get her evaluated.  In a divorce you can ask for her to be evaluated.  Of course a judge would most likely make such an order apply to both of you.  In most areas a Psych Eval is just a quick evaluation with tests.  I had one conducted by a grad student in a social services clinic which took 2-3 hours, she concluded I had anxiety, certainly no surprise.  In some areas it includes in depth assessments for custody, what is more commonly called a Custody Evaluation.  My CE didn't start until 10 months into my 2 year divorce process and took about 5 months at a cost of a little over $3000, it was expertly done and quite inexpensive when compared to what others have paid.

I hope you would be able to get yours done sooner than mine, but still, you must realize (1) courts aren't that interested in fixing people and (2) the greatest benefit will be for a custody evaluation report to recommend you get much more time with your young child.  Courts typically assign fathers alternate weekends and a visit in between (more in between visit for children under 3 years of age).  Sadly, it is 'standard'.  Can you shift some of your energy in rescuing your marriage toward a more practical goal of getting as much time with your child as possible from the very start?  Six months or a year from now when the the reports start rolling in, the court may not pay as much attention to the reports recommending you get more parenting time.