I'm Growing Cold and Suspicious of Women

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPD wife and I had our first wedding anniversary earlier this week. Though we're coming up on having been in a relationship for 9 years. I realized something on our anniversary: I have emotionally departed from this relationship. I said "Happy Anniversary," to her that morning when I woke up and before we went to bed but that was it. I didn't bother to buy a gift, flowers, or even write a card. Strangely enough though, she didn't say much about it. Though she didn't get me anything either. Finances are extremely tight but I'm also the type of person who believes in celebrating and showing you care even if it involves a lot of creativity. The truth is that I don't care that much to go to those lengths. Emotionally, I'm divorced.

Its a weird sensation feeling this way after all these years of doing my very best to make everything work and try to make her feel okay with herself and the rest of the world. I'd like to say that these new feelings are much better than the old ones, but I'm not sure. These days I just feel cold, distant, uncaring, and unsympathetic. Some days (more and more) I find myself translating my feelings toward my wife onto other women and that makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I never used to be the type of guy that would stereotype women or put my guard up. In fact, I've always trusted women much more than I could ever trust any man I've ever met my whole life. Now... . I just don't know what to think or who to trust.

I know all these new feelings say more about me and what I've been through, and because of that I know that eventually I will work through them in a positive way. It just feels unsettling for now trying to sort through the muck of the emotional ___ storm my life has been for nearly a decade. More and more these days all I can think is, "I just want to go back to simpler days. I want to go back home (even though they don't want me there) and be with my mom and sisters." Which tells me I've just put up a temporary armor around myself until I can finally get divorced and return to a simpler way of life.

Also, I've been thinking A LOT about a girl I grew up with. We were close friends all through high school, but that's all. In fact, I wasn't even attracted to her back then so it was easy just to be friends without any awkwardness or pressure. We got back in touch this past year after years of losing touch. She is still the same sweet, good-hearted person I remember. That gives me hope. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had decided to be with an actual decent human being like her. Would I still be tender? Would I not be afraid to have children? Would I have children by now? Could love and marriage truly just be easy or, at least, less complicated? I know that there are no answers to these questions, it just makes me realize what a learning lesson (mistake) this whole relationship has been.

I also wonder if I do move on and find a decent woman, how will I treat her? Am I so damaged that I won't be able to function with a stable person? Will I get bored? Will I appreciate the good thing I have? I don't know and honestly, I can't really worry about all these "what ifs" that may never come to fruition. All I know is that I worry about being emotionally damaged beyond repair and not finding my old self again some day. That scares the hell out of me.

[ATLandon]

My uBPD wife and I had our first wedding anniversary earlier this week. Though we're coming up on having been in a relationship for 9 years. I realized something on our anniversary: I have emotionally departed from this relationship. I said "Happy Anniversary," to her that morning when I woke up and before we went to bed but that was it. I didn't bother to buy a gift, flowers, or even write a card. Strangely enough though, she didn't say much about it. Though she didn't get me anything either. Finances are extremely tight but I'm also the type of person who believes in celebrating and showing you care even if it involves a lot of creativity. The truth is that I don't care that much to go to those lengths. Emotionally, I'm divorced.

Its a weird sensation feeling this way after all these years of doing my very best to make everything work and try to make her feel okay with herself and the rest of the world. I'd like to say that these new feelings are much better than the old ones, but I'm not sure. These days I just feel cold, distant, uncaring, and unsympathetic. Some days (more and more) I find myself translating my feelings toward my wife onto other women and that makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because I never used to be the type of guy that would stereotype women or put my guard up. In fact, I've always trusted women much more than I could ever trust any man I've ever met my whole life. Now... . I just don't know what to think or who to trust.

I know all these new feelings say more about me and what I've been through, and because of that I know that eventually I will work through them in a positive way. It just feels unsettling for now trying to sort through the muck of the emotional ___ storm my life has been for nearly a decade. More and more these days all I can think is, "I just want to go back to simpler days. I want to go back home (even though they don't want me there) and be with my mom and sisters." Which tells me I've just put up a temporary armor around myself until I can finally get divorced and return to a simpler way of life.

Also, I've been thinking A LOT about a girl I grew up with. We were close friends all through high school, but that's all. In fact, I wasn't even attracted to her back then so it was easy just to be friends without any awkwardness or pressure. We got back in touch this past year after years of losing touch. She is still the same sweet, good-hearted person I remember. That gives me hope. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had decided to be with an actual decent human being like her. Would I still be tender? Would I not be afraid to have children? Would I have children by now? Could love and marriage truly just be easy or, at least, less complicated? I know that there are no answers to these questions, it just makes me realize what a learning lesson (mistake) this whole relationship has been.

I also wonder if I do move on and find a decent woman, how will I treat her? Am I so damaged that I won't be able to function with a stable person? Will I get bored? Will I appreciate the good thing I have? I don't know and honestly, I can't really worry about all these "what ifs" that may never come to fruition. All I know is that I worry about being emotionally damaged beyond repair and not finding my old self again some day. That scares the hell out of me.

[refusetosuccumb]

I totally get you.  Only I'm a woman and I feel the same thing about future relationships.

All this tells me, in my own life, is I'm in no way ready to get into a relationship with anyone.  Healthy people are capable of this, I am no (yet!) a healthy person.  Granted, I'm only 5 weeks out of a 16yr r/s with kids, but the sentiments are the same.

One day, both you and I will feel strong enough to venture down that path again.  For now, I surround myself with friends and family and fill my void with people that honestly want what's best for me.  The past 5 weekends have been full of playdates for the kids, going for coffee with my girlfriends, enjoying silence.

Beyond that, I'm totally incapable of attracting the right kind of guy.  I've had 2 relationships in my whole life and both of them ended in a similar way.  I need to find out why I attract that sort and how to attract the "right" kind.  Both r/s were full of love and drama.  Eventually I just want love.

Peace out.  When you are ready, you will be ready.

[tired-of-it-all]

When I first started to admit that I needed help, I expressed my situation to a close male friend of mine.  I told him that if I didn't have children I would not go home.  I would giver my BPDWife everything I owned just to get away.  He gave me some very wise advice.  He said, "If you don't get some help, you will find another woman just like her.  If you don't get help, your children will spiral down the same hole you fell into."  That scared the crap out of me and forced me to get help.

I am attracted to women like my wife.  I know now to run from the type but deep down I am attracted to them.  I like being needed.  I like to pretend that I am the Big Man who is going to save the day.  I am attracted to the high intensity sex.  They play me like the fool I am.  Nevertheless, I am better.  Therapist, alanon, and this forum have all helped me significantly.  My children are much, much better and I will always be thankful for that.