Do You Have Experience Using DEAR CC or CHIRP with BPD?

[mom2bpd]

  One member on the boards suggested I use the CHIRP method in Valerie Porr's book to begin rebuilding communication with my uBPDD.  I downloaded Porr's book, and I've been reading about this method.  She also writes about another method that I thought may be helpful called DEAR CC.  I'm wondering if members on here have experience with either because I would like to write my uBPDD an email using one of these.  I need help though in refining what I say to her and how I say it.  This is all new to me so let me know your experiences with either.

This is Porr's description of DEAR CC from the book:  Improve communication with your loved one by using the DEAR CCC format. Describe the situation objectively, without judgements, explanations or

interpretations. Express your feelings and beliefs about the situation; use “I want” or “I don’t want”. Assert: say what you want in a clear and

direct way. Reinforce: give reasons, explain benefits for accepting what you are asking for. Stay calm. Concentrate on your objective, do not

allow yourself to be distracted. Repeat your request as often as required. Keep making your point in a kind, gentle, non-judgemental way. Confidence: try to appear confident, maintain your voice tone, speak in a determined voice. Tolerate your distress and fear and be persistent. Compromise: be flexible; accept alternative suggestions which bring you closer to your goal. Ask your loved one for help in solving the problem.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello mom2BPD.

I have tried these formats in e-mails- my attempts were clumsy and I am trying to practice using them verbally.

I have had limited success in that DD is at least in contact with me.

I found CHIRP quite difficult as deep down I felt DD was to blame for all the recent turmoil in our family.

However reading Valerie Porr did help me feel more compassionate as I got better understanding of her feelings and thought processes.

I think they are a good guideline but will take a lot of practice

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mom2BPD, 

I do not have experience using CHIRP (hopefully someone here does and will chime in)... .

As far as DEAR CCC, I have used DEAR with success, however, as far as I can understand it's supposed to be a tool to be used in a conflict situation when you are trying to assert your position without things blowing up... .

This is one example of how we have used it in the past:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213025.msg12339291#msg12339291

Also, we have a workshop about DEAR on this site that might help you with the practical application:

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

What would be your goal you are trying to achieve at this point in time?

[mom2bpd]

  Hello, pessism-optimist and lever,

Thanks for your responses.  Lever, I'm also finding CHIRP and really DEAR too to be difficult.  I have the same problem that you do because I was publicly attacked by my uBPDD and her H when most of our problems started.  I do think that a lot of bad feelings between us are her fault and that many bad feelings are due to her father and I setting boundaries that she and her H didn't like.  Pessism-optimist, I do like the example you gave of DEAR.  My goal is to have contact again and be able to see my BPDD and GD.  We've been very low contact for 2 and 1/2 months, and we haven't seen them. 

I'm wondering if SET may be more appropriate for us at that time to regain more contact and generate some better feelings.  I was thinking of emailing her something like this... . just keeping it very simple.  If I say too much, then she and her NPD H twist it around into something I didn't really say.

support- you are our daughter and we'll always be here for you.

Empathy- We understand that you may feel we were not as supportive as you preferred in the past. 

Truth- Your father and I want to have a relationship with u and your family.  We do not feel that rehashing the past is going to benefit any of us or help us have a peaceful relationship.

How does this sound?  Thanks!

[lever.]

That does sound like a good place to start.

I have found that keeping things brief gives less to argue with.

Don't be surprised if the initial response is not positive. I got a lot of angry responses initially and had to keep coming back to SET and   ignoring attempts to get me to justify and explain myself