I am completely codependent

[55suns]

Codependency and Codependent Relationships

A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on the another person, they become focused on themselves, too.  Much of the love and intimacy in a codependent relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I have just realized through the help of my T that I am completely codependent.  This revelation is at once liberating and horrifying.   I am glad to have a framework to better understand and stop the behavior.   But now I realize just how abusive I was all in the name of being a "nice guy)."  My exuBPD was totally justified in many of her thoughts and feelings towards me and I didn't acknowledge it... . how could I be so horrible when I try so hard to be nice? I knew I brought something to the table of dysfunction but could never put my finger on it and certainly blamed her behavior more than mine.  I feel awful.  I already was pining and wanting to give it another try (she doesn't and now I understand why)  and now I want it even more that I realize the extent of my contribution. I can fix myself and be a better partner.  She is very high functioning and now I better understand what is going on with both her and myself I'm sure it would be better.   I love her, I miss her and I don't want a divorce.  I feel awful.

[Waifed]

If you do the work you need to do to overcome your codependency issues, trauma bonding and PTSD, you will not want your expwBPD. You will look back on the relationship and wonder why you would ever want to be with someone who doesn't meet your needs as a human being. It is a long road but very liberating once you get there. Don't beat yourself up about this. Ultimately it didn't matter if you you reacted to her behavior harshly or not. You deserve someone who can love you, share with you and treat you like a romantic partner, not an object that is disposed of when all used up. Good luck and remember that once you do the work on yourself you will be the happiest you have ever been in your entire life!

[LettingGo14]

You are a human being, 55suns.  We label things to understand, but the danger of labels is that labels are one dimensional.   We call our exes BPD and we call ourselves co-dependent, and then we have some insight -- but not the full perspective.  We risk turning into labels and stories and not opening up to the possibility of more.

Yes, we can own co-dependency.  Yes, we can hurt, and regret, and grieve and be sorry.

But, there's also a point to begin to accept the present moment.  There's a lot of hard work to do, but please start with kindness to yourself.  

I'm sorry you are hurting right now -- I understand completely.  Here are some words I like by Pema Chodron:



In the midst of loneliness, in the midst of fear. In the middle of feeling misunderstood and rejected is the heartbeat of all things…

…the genuine heart of sadness.

Just as a jewel that has been buried in the Earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened.

[Infared]

55suns... . in an effort to learn more about myself, could you be more specific about your behaviors and interactions with your pwBPD  that you believe are "codependent" in nature. That term is thrown around a lot these days. I was in therapy for 2 years after my breakup with my pwBPD and we did not discuss codependency, but I now expect that may have been my part in this... . I also have addiction issues and am in recovery... . and had gone to some alanon meetings back then and did identify with some of the people and discussions there.

[55suns]

You will look back on the relationship and wonder why you would ever want to be with someone who doesn't meet your needs as a human being.

I hope so, but right now I want her and my family back and the truth is that I didn't meet her needs either.  I feel that I can.  What's worse, I didn't listen or understand.  She is a good person and while needy, not like many of the horror stories I have read on this site.

IGood luck and remember that once you do the work on yourself you will be the happiest you have ever been in your entire life!

Thank you,  I will do the work and I hope so.

But, there's also a point to begin to accept the present moment.  There's a lot of hard work to do, but please start with kindness to yourself.   

I have been trying to do this.  But it seems like I always dwell in either the past or the future. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. What has been and what could be.  Thanks lettinggo... . not only for this post but for what you have written to others as well.  I find your contributions very helpful.

55suns... . in an effort to learn more about myself, could you be more specific about your behaviors and interactions with your pwBPD  that you believe are "codependent" in nature.

I can try. I always tried to "fix" her problems or "help" her with the anger, sadness etc. Of course I thought it was because I wanted her to happy,  but I now realize that it was really manipulation to not only stop the behavior I didn't like, but to fill my need to be a person of consequence.  I would offer advice or solutions that were not asked for.  This sent the message that she was incapable of doing it herself. It was also controlling of me and made her feel horrible.   Of course I thought I was being helpful and bieng helpful boosted my fragile self esteem. She would intimate this in a variety of ways but I didn't validate it. How could it be true when I'm just trying to be a good guy?  Never realized how screwed up I am!

I also take on too much in life and can't say no.  While it made me feel good to be useful,  it wad also an unconscious tool to emotionally disengage.  While I still love/loved her, she felt abandoned, unwanted,  and unimportant.

There is a lot more, but I am just starting to work through all of this myself.

[Infared]

Thanks 55Suns for your candid response.  My relationship is long gone, but I am trying to understand my part in things. I did carry more of the relationship. It was frustrating. I had a person there that most times didn't have an opinion, ie. my way was fine. I asked and was considerate and coaxing at times... . but after a while I started to just assume that I was the get-up-and-go-get-it done guy.  For instance... I decorated our townhouse and she had no opinion. Then when she ran off (she took nothing except her immediate belongings oh... and the Sony play station embedding the childishness of her personality forever :-)), she made statements how she hated this item or that item that I bought, but said nothing at the time.

She never put in her take on things and then would silently start to resent me?

I liked being helpful, but I think that pwBPD has no real sense of self, they rely on you for their identity. The other half (me) is in a trap with no way to win? Damned if you doo, damned if you don't.

I always wanted her to show up more, but I I felt like she had all these other qualities that balanced that out. She was sweet, and funny, sexy and I just loved being around her.

Hard to come to know that was all just put-on to get me to like her.

I am a person greatly delusioned since that all went down. Very jaded. Will not trust a woman again. Very damaged. I guess it was all of the cruelty after she ran off that sealed the deal.

I do identify with your feelings, though and I wish the best for you.