splits black and white in casual conversation then beats me into compliance

[8ba-bone]

so we're driving down the road, and there's this big billboard portraying a regular cigarette, and an e-cigarette -- claiming they're both bad, and never to start.

OK, so as someone that's battled on/off with smoking [I usually take it up when things suck around here] I see some amount of value with the e-cig and using it to quit smoking the REALLY bad stuff. But I also 100% agree with never starting.

You can hear where this is going already... .

so making casual conversation, I challenge the billboard, because I know someone at work that did exactly what I state above, used the e-cig to quit smoking.

he switched to e-cig, then decreased the nicotine to zero, and now he only occasionally bring out the e-cig and puts fun flavors in it like 'breathable candy' he calls it.

Personally, I say "hooray" you quit smoking. Everyone that's a smoker should quit.

Are e-cigs totally safe? Who knows, but they're way better than smoking, especially if there's zero nicotine in it.

Her response? "ITS AN ADDICTION! EVEN IF YOU HAVE NO NICOTINE IN IT ITS STILL AN ADDICTION! THE HAND TO MOUTH BIT IS ADDICTION!"

She flat out refused to accept the possibility that someone is "better" off now than they were. That there is some 'grey' in there between smoking and not smoking.

She pushed and yelled and screamed at me until I finally had to out loud "agree" with her. She would NOT accept my viewpoint whatsoever.

On top of that, I leaned over her shoulder to kiss her this evening and saw that she's been researching sites under the guise that I'm the abusive one. I guess this is pretty typical for BPD wives; always the victim, but I digress... .

So, is this kind of argument she cast us into a good example of splitting? I tried in vain to "I understand your viewpoint... . " etc but had to do it her way or the argument would never stop. This is how it always is. She has to win, or nothing.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw and I recently 'discussed' moving a bed.  Our sons were moving a hospital bed for their grandma and I asked her why she was inserting herself into the process.  She insisted that it would take more than just the two of them to move the bed.

I pointed out they're personal fitness trainers (didn't point out that she's 5'1" 105 lbs... . ) and that they can handle it.  moving it through the halls would be difficult for more than two people anyway just because of space.

I made my point once, she went on and on and it took 4 or 5 attempts to finally agree to disagree, but it was 10 minutes & 4 tangent conversations later... .

[OutOfEgypt]

I always understood splitting as like what my uBPDex would do to my parents.  During one of her affairs during our marriage, which she says she already wanted to leave me anyway, my parents heard about it and were too upset to talk to her.  It was awkward, and they just stayed away from her.  Now, regardless of all the help my parents gave to her and to us as a couple over the years, suddenly my ex (we were still married at the time) hated my parents and accused them of being "fake" and stated that they "never really loved her" at all.  I believe that is splitting.

I don't know if your situation qualified as splitting.  It may just qualify as "I like to pick fights.  Oh, and by the way, you are always wrong."  Don't you get it?  You aren't really allowed to have your own opinion and feelings unless she came up with it first or she agrees with it.  In other words... . you aren't allowed to have *your own* opinions and feelings.  They have to be hers, too... . or hers entirely.

And yes, I was accused of being "controlling" and "abusive".  Been there.  Ironic, no?  I look back and see how utterly controlled the entire household was, including me, by her mind-games, infantile behavior, verbal abuse, demand for total allegiance, and selfishness.

[OutOfEgypt]

Actually, I think that may be splitting after all.

From Wikipedia... .

Splitting creates instability in relationships because one person can be viewed as either personified virtue or personified vice at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies the subject's needs or frustrates them.

And under Narcissistic personality disorder in the same article on splitting... .

Most often the narcissist does this as an attempt to stabilize his/her sense of self positivity in order to preserve his/her self-esteem, by perceiving himself/herself as purely upright or admirable and others who do not conform to his/her will or values as purely wicked or contemptible

My uBPDexw did both of those things, for sure. 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Oh, I'm allowed my own opinions... . but since I'm divorced and she's widowed obviously my opinions are wrong and drove my ex to someone else... .

[OutOfEgypt]

But of course!

[OnceConfused]

Your story is perhaps unfortunately typical of BPD as they try to control us. By not acknowledging our point of view, they essentially tell themselves that they are right.  And if we don't comply then the attack begins. Thus the term "walking on eggshells" happens to us.

Interestingly, those who are strong will , leave the r/s with BPD very soon because they cannot handle the pressure. And for those who stay (like you or stayed like I), we are just too nice to go against BPD. SOme of us will reach a break point like I did and leave, and unfortunately some of us will never reach the break points , stay and extend their suffering.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Your story is perhaps unfortunately typical of BPD as they try to control us. By not acknowledging our point of view, they essentially tell themselves that they are right.  And if we don't comply then the attack begins. Thus the term "walking on eggshells" happens to us.

Interestingly, those who are strong will , leave the r/s with BPD very soon because they cannot handle the pressure. And for those who stay (like you or stayed like I), we are just too nice to go against BPD. SOme of us will reach a break point like I did and leave, and unfortunately some of us will never reach the break points , stay and extend their suffering.

Makes me want to pull out my copy of the Birth Order Book... . me being a middle child & all

[DreamFlyer99]

hi 8ba-bone--

I have SO been there! As soon as I read "then beats me into compliance" I started nodding. It's what I call with my husband, "badgering." So insistent and persistent that I must agree with him even if it's about what I think about something. (Really? You know what's in my mind better than I do? Such a cool trick!)

The pwBPD comes from such a different viewpoint than we do since they have deeply held core beliefs that they are unworthy of being loved and will likely be abandoned anyway. I have the feeling that my H always feels like i'm the bully if I disagree with him, I guess because it challenges his shaky view of himself as "right"? I dunno but it's quite tiring. And I feel like he's the one being a bully when he won't stop and continues to badger me!  And unless I just plain left the house for a walk I couldn't end the "conversation" either. But I REFUSE to agree with him if I don't really agree. I used to, but no more. I used to apologize for nothing, and I won't do that either. i'm  trying to take "me" back to being a whole person of my own with my own thoughts and opinions and separate existence. I don't just exist for him and to keep his world intact, I guess that's why I won't just give in anymore.

Even with me out of the house for 3 months now (i'm staying with my daughter since i'm on disability and have no means of supporting myself) he still tries to badger me via texting and calling.

There is an article here about the "splitting" thing, so i'm gonna read that and then give you the link.

I just read the first bit, and oh it's a goody! here's the link: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

This is a pretty easy to remember communication tool for not only pwBPD but anyone you know, have you seen it already? TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Let me assure you that I definitely hear you on this one!

dreamflyer99

[DontPanic]

Umm splitting for me looked like the ex wife ripping a door off its hinges, then coming at me to hit me and me saying... "are we seriously having a conversation about you hitting me with that door you just ripped off the wall?" or her doing the crying victim thing to MY family and them believing that I am abusive and her getting that half cocked evil smile on her face when she knew that she had conned everyone... unfortunately, this all turned on her when she started splitting around the kids and others saw it and basically kicked her out of the mommy club...