My two week hiatus ends today. Feeling apprehensive

[Parents! Get help here!]

Well, today, is the end of my self-declared break from by BPDd27. We had a spattering of texts over the last 14 days and one small incident which indirectly involved me, but other than that all has been somewhat quiet. I've been reading a lot and trying to gather my strength for our continued journey.

There was a culmination of reasons  that prompted the two week break, but the final straw was this incident:  I had dropped her off at her DBT group therapy appointment (which she rarely attends) and then left with my gs2 to spend the evening with him -- all of which my BPDd27 asked me to do. Thirty minutes after I dropped her off she started calling me. I had left my phone in my purse and didn't hear it ring. I had only been away from it for about 13 minutes. In that time, she called 9 times and left 4 very angry voicemails. I guess her T asked her to leave the group therapy meeting and she wanted me to come back and pick her up NOW. The voice mails were accusing me of "forcing" her to stay, "making" her participate in therapy,"playing games" and then the final voicemail insisted that I was "kidnapping her son." All of this in 13 minutes. I called her back, said my phone had been in purse and that I was on my way to pick her up. To make a long story short, all of her anger and indignation was directed at me (in front of her son) and I was cursed up one side and down the other, called a liar, and a f**king b*tch, etc. I tried to explain and defend myself (first mistake) and eventually went quiet. She kept insisting that I apologize for purposefully making her stay at therapy and keeping her son. At the time, I tried to be empathetic and acknowledge that she may have been embarrassed and wanted to leave as soon as possible. I also said it must have been frustrating not to be able to do so. My BPDd27 said her T had explained she didn't need to participate in DBT group therapy and that I do nothing by scapegoat her. (All lies, which were verified by her T in an email that night -- unprompted, btw, because she knew how angry my daughter was.) Anyway, It had been several weeks of chaos and I just didn't have anything left, so this is when I stated that I loved her, but didn't appreciate how she was treating me... . that I needed a two-week break to rest and preserve our relationship.

Prior to this altercation, I had planned a big Memorial Day cookout for our entire family. My BPDd27 texted and asked if she could still come and I said she was still welcome. I laid down a few ground rules like, no "teasing" or any other kind of disrespectful confrontation or comments would be tolerated or the offending party would be asked to leave. I also offered to make the dessert she specifically requested and reminded her how everyone was looking forward to seeing each other and enjoying good food and conversation. Well, she didn't like my ground rules and said, "F**k the family get together." So, she didn't come. She did, however, call her grandmother (my mother) during the gathering and insisted she hand the phone to me. I told my mother that I was busy and wasn't going to take her call. (I knew drama would ensue.) She kept arguing with my mother and then my mother announced in front of everyone that my BPDd27 wanted to talk to me, because she and my gs2 had no food and were hungry. The entire room went silent and all eyes turned to me. It was awful. I knew what my daughter was trying to do, though, and I chose not to cave. I held my ground, but it was so very, very hard. My daughter was probably lying, but if she wasn't our community has many resources for the homeless and for people who need food for meals. My BPDd27 is aware of all of them. She and my gs2 live with the boyfriend/father who is a drug dealer and small-time thief. Their relationship has been fraught with domestic violence and arrests (both of them). She refuses to leave him, though, and is unwilling to go to the domestic violence shelter or a friend's house. We did offer to allow her to live in our home for  few months IF she stayed at the shelter for two weeks, first. We've had a revolving door in the past and wanted to ensure that she would do the hard work first.

As of yesterday, my BPDd27 was still insisting that I owe her an apology for something that did not occur. I refuse to validate the invalid. I will be picking up my gs2, this afternoon, to spend a few hours with him. I'm somewhat apprehensive as to what may ensue. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to respond in a calm, cool way and not take it personally (easier said than done).

Wish me luck. I'll need it. 

[kelc323]

Well, today, is the end of my self-declared break from by BPDd27. We had a spattering of texts over the last 14 days and one small incident which indirectly involved me, but other than that all has been somewhat quiet. I've been reading a lot and trying to gather my strength for our continued journey.

There was a culmination of reasons  that prompted the two week break, but the final straw was this incident:  I had dropped her off at her DBT group therapy appointment (which she rarely attends) and then left with my gs2 to spend the evening with him -- all of which my BPDd27 asked me to do. Thirty minutes after I dropped her off she started calling me. I had left my phone in my purse and didn't hear it ring. I had only been away from it for about 13 minutes. In that time, she called 9 times and left 4 very angry voicemails. I guess her T asked her to leave the group therapy meeting and she wanted me to come back and pick her up NOW. The voice mails were accusing me of "forcing" her to stay, "making" her participate in therapy,"playing games" and then the final voicemail insisted that I was "kidnapping her son." All of this in 13 minutes. I called her back, said my phone had been in purse and that I was on my way to pick her up. To make a long story short, all of her anger and indignation was directed at me (in front of her son) and I was cursed up one side and down the other, called a liar, and a f**king b*tch, etc. I tried to explain and defend myself (first mistake) and eventually went quiet. She kept insisting that I apologize for purposefully making her stay at therapy and keeping her son. At the time, I tried to be empathetic and acknowledge that she may have been embarrassed and wanted to leave as soon as possible. I also said it must have been frustrating not to be able to do so. My BPDd27 said her T had explained she didn't need to participate in DBT group therapy and that I do nothing by scapegoat her. (All lies, which were verified by her T in an email that night -- unprompted, btw, because she knew how angry my daughter was.) Anyway, It had been several weeks of chaos and I just didn't have anything left, so this is when I stated that I loved her, but didn't appreciate how she was treating me... . that I needed a two-week break to rest and preserve our relationship.

Prior to this altercation, I had planned a big Memorial Day cookout for our entire family. My BPDd27 texted and asked if she could still come and I said she was still welcome. I laid down a few ground rules like, no "teasing" or any other kind of disrespectful confrontation or comments would be tolerated or the offending party would be asked to leave. I also offered to make the dessert she specifically requested and reminded her how everyone was looking forward to seeing each other and enjoying good food and conversation. Well, she didn't like my ground rules and said, "F**k the family get together." So, she didn't come. She did, however, call her grandmother (my mother) during the gathering and insisted she hand the phone to me. I told my mother that I was busy and wasn't going to take her call. (I knew drama would ensue.) She kept arguing with my mother and then my mother announced in front of everyone that my BPDd27 wanted to talk to me, because she and my gs2 had no food and were hungry. The entire room went silent and all eyes turned to me. It was awful. I knew what my daughter was trying to do, though, and I chose not to cave. I held my ground, but it was so very, very hard. My daughter was probably lying, but if she wasn't our community has many resources for the homeless and for people who need food for meals. My BPDd27 is aware of all of them. She and my gs2 live with the boyfriend/father who is a drug dealer and small-time thief. Their relationship has been fraught with domestic violence and arrests (both of them). She refuses to leave him, though, and is unwilling to go to the domestic violence shelter or a friend's house. We did offer to allow her to live in our home for  few months IF she stayed at the shelter for two weeks, first. We've had a revolving door in the past and wanted to ensure that she would do the hard work first.

As of yesterday, my BPDd27 was still insisting that I owe her an apology for something that did not occur. I refuse to validate the invalid. I will be picking up my gs2, this afternoon, to spend a few hours with him. I'm somewhat apprehensive as to what may ensue. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to respond in a calm, cool way and not take it personally (easier said than done).

Wish me luck. I'll need it. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

You might want to prepare yourself to walk away from an abusive situation and forego the plans with your grandchild... . just in case.

[pessim-optimist]

Thinking of you, let us know how it went... .  

[mimis]

Wishing you luck Kec323. In my mind you are to be admired.  You told you D your limits and set some boundaries.  You stuck to them as well.  You were so right in telling her that you needed a break to preserve your relationship.  My uBPDD22 acts just like yours.  I've had many similar situations like you have described.  Today my T told me that I need to practice setting limits and boundaries.  I am to reinforce that I will not tolerate the verbal abuse and to walk away or leave or ask her to leave of give her cab money to leave if she is with me . My T told me that my D probably would bring use more guilt to escalate and test my limits but to let her rant and rage.  Much like what your D did when she called your mom. She knew you had set limits but she was sucking you in through your mom.  We are not to let them suck us in and don't take the comments personally or try to defend yourself.  My T equated it to a person who was sick and unintentionally threw up on me. Would I take it personally and argue about the intentions? she said to view the rages and anger as the vomit . I asked my T what to do if it was in public. She said, you probably will be embarrassed but not as much as your D will be.  If your neighbors, family look at you funny, tell them that your D has a mental illness and you are trying to deal with it.  My T also told me that if the anger escalated so much that she would harm herself to tell her that she must stop the behavior or you will call for help, either the police or ambulance to take her to hospital.  My T also said I must be prepared to follow through with the consequences. my assignment before next meeting is to practice.  keep your fingers crossed for me.

[kelc323]

Well, I spent some much-needed time with my gs2 (almost 3). When I picked him up, it went fine. My BPDd27 said they got kicked out of the hotel they were staying in for non-payment and are back at their home. (I may have forgotten to mention that they have over $550 in past due electric bills, so they have no electricity.) The hotel stay was recommended by the CPS (Child Protective Service) caseworker. They are not supposed to be staying in their house with my gs2. She also said that she was "so hungry she wanted to throw up" and to "feed my gs2 right away, because he was super-hungry." This may sound harsh, but my daughter and her boyfriend never lack for cigarettes and have serious substance issues. I am tired of propping them up at the end of each month, because they choose to spend money on their addictions, rather than providing for their son. Unfortunately, CPS is a slow-moving, almost non-responsive, service in our county. So, this time I gave them nothing. I reminded her of the free services in town and loaded up my grandson.

When I got my gs2 in the car, he had a scowl on his face and said (unprompted) that "daddy smack my face." My BPDd27 did show my his ear and said he fell. His earlobe was swollen and red. When I asked about his ear, he said someone pinched it, but he never said who did it. He then went on to say "mommy spank my butt." I am beside myself!

When I got him to my house, he did eat, but didn't act like he was starving. He wouldn't even finish a small piece of cake. We played for awhile and then he sat down on the couch and passed out. He was so tired. I can only imagine the chaos that occurs in his home.

I brought him back home and this time my BPDd27 and I talked about recent events. She was calm, but still justifying her behavior. I stayed calm and used S.E.T. skills. All in all it was going well, until that scumbag boyfriend of hers came out and started cursing and carrying on at me. I was so angry and really wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but my gs2 was standing there, so I said nothing. My BPDd27 yelled at him though. She told him to go back in the house and "to not talk to her mother that way." Thanks goodness he did as she asked. Our conversation ended ok. I told her I loved her and that I wanted better for her.

They have been in this toxic relationship for 6 years. There have been evictions, arrests, shoplifting, thousands of dollars written in bad checks, money "borrowed" from family and friends that has never been repaid, unpaid utilities, etc. etc. etc. My BPDd27 has told me on several occasions that her boyfriend would like nothing more than to "see us get shot in our head." I've reported it to the police, but since it hasn't been said directly to me they are powerless to do anything. According to the police, our daughter could be making things up. I guess, this is also possible.

I'm at my wit's end. I really want to maintain a relationship with my BPDd27 and my gs2, but it is taking such a toll on our family and frankly, it gets scary sometimes. Her life is the exact opposite of how she grew up and how we live. My husband and I have always been a team and treated each other and our children with respect. Honesty, communication, respect and humor were the basis of our family values. It's almost like she has no values. The man she hooked up with has none, either. As a matter of fact, his mother is in prison. She's been in prison many times during his life and once went on the run with him for several years, when she skipped parole.  This whole experience has been embarrassing. Sometimes, I wonder if my family and I are going to end up on some ":)ateline" special. It's so surreal.

I really don't know what to do.

[kelc323]

Thank you for the kind words, Mimis. Hang in there. I've been on this roller coaster for awhile now. It does get easier setting boundaries, especially in the situations you've described. When I first started following through with proper consequences, I would literally start shaking with anxiety because it was so foreign to me. I finally had to think of my BPDd27 as a toddler. At that age, we wouldn't think twice about setting boundaries or protecting them from themselves, because the lacked the judgment and foresight to do so. Even in the midst of temper tantrums, we would do what was necessary. Unfortunately, adult temper tantrums are a lot more unsettling and difficult to watch.

I also like the analogy your T shared about vomiting. I haven't heard this one before and since I'm very visual, I'll add this to my quiver of skills. It may decrease my reactivity when I'm on the receiving end of a nasty case of flu. 

The important thing to remember when setting boundaries is to make sure you can follow through with them. I would start out small. You will build up more confidence and become more skillful and your daughter will start to recognize that you mean what you say.

It's so hard to do, but does get easier with practice. Crossing my fingers for you. 

[madmom]

I am new to this group, but have been reading lots of posts, tools etc.  I am sorry for all the pain you have been going through, but want you to know how much I admire that you stood up and carried through with your boundaries. ( the phone call to your mother, the not caving in and giving food)  I know how hard that is to do.  I am trying to set some boundaries and allow natural consequences to happen for my DD26.  Hang in there.  Know that you are not alone.  Despite our best efforts at raising our children, some things just can't be explained or understood.  I know my daughter certainly wasn't raised with some of the values and poor choices she choosed to make.  You are not alone---hang in there.  You are inspiring to me.

[kelc323]

Thanks so much for your kind words, TR. Spoken like someone who has walked this road! 

I just recently joined this board, too, and have found it very helpful. Just sharing the experiences and getting support has helped me feel less isolated. BPD is such an awful illness. Many "normal" people don't understand why or how we continue to invest our time and love in our children when they seem less than grateful or appreciative. I live for the moments when my BPDd27 has clarity and is kind. I'm certain if she would get out of this toxic relationship, take her meds as prescribed, participate in DBT therapy and stop abusing drugs and alcohol her life and illness would be so much easier to manage. But, that's in a perfect world and one that I have very little control over, isn't it?

I look forward to hearing more from you, TR. Maybe I can return the favor.  Thanks again. Your kindness made my heart ache a little less. 

[jellibeans]

Dear kelc323

I want to echo what others have said here. I think you handled yourself so well and under such stressful circumstances. I am so sorry to read about your dd and how your gs suffers. You participation in his life is making a huge difference I am sure.

I don't really have any advise to give you sadly... . I think you are really doing well and I think taking your two week break was good and showed you were putting your health first.

My dd16 can rage at me pretty badly at times and after countless times we have sort have come up with a phrase that lets her know that she is crossing the line... . when our conversations get to the point of no return I tell her that we need to take a break and discuss later... . I try to do this before she reaches a level of no return which can be pretty difficult at times. If she continues I say " you are digging a hole now that is getting harder for you to get out of" I use this same phrase and I do think it makes her stop if only for a minute and consider calming down... . taking the break... . and coming back at a later date to finsih the discussion and try again to resolve the conflict.

You show such wisdom in your response to your dd and things certainly could have went really wrong. I do like that she stood up for you with her boyfriend... . that had to have warmed your heart. Take care and hang in there and take those breaks when you need them.

[madmom]

Thank you for the kind words.  We truly do need to support each other in this roller coaster world of BPD.  Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. 

[pessim-optimist]

I think you have done really well under all the difficult circumstances, kelc - especially not getting sucked back into a conversation when you said you were going to take a break.

Also, validating and sharing options for food, but not giving into emotional blackmail regarding feeding dd when she has other ways to feed herself, and/or be more responsible... .

I really liked the book "Loving Someone w/BPD" by Shari Manning, as she is giving lots of practical advice on how to handle many typical situations. The thing that stuck with me the most was that we do not need to help to solve our kids' problems, instead, we can be there for them emotionally and help them find their own solutions and gain more self-confidence that way.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelc323]

I just wanted to follow up with each of you to thank you for the suggestions, kinds words and empathy. Often, when I'm communicating with my BPDd27, I think about empathy. Given my experience on these boards and with family, friends and mental health professionals, I often think of how encouraging and supportive it feels to be on the receiving end of empathy. No wonder it works wonders with our pwBPD! It works wonders with all of us.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Things have been trying, but not because of the relationship with my BPDd27, but because of how ill she is right now. Surprisingly, we are both doing better -- relationship-wise -- after our two-week break, but her life has continued to get worse. It makes me so sad to see and hear what's going on when so much can be prevented if she would make healthier choices.  My next steps will be contacting CPS (again) to share my latest concerns regarding my gs2.  :'( It won't be easy, but doing the right thing rarely is.

I will post more later with updates, but wanted to just say that I don't think I could have made it through the last couple of weeks without out my board-friends! Thanks again! 

[pessim-optimist]

The empathy thing is working out for all of us, isn't it... .  

Surprisingly, we are both doing better -- relationship-wise -- after our two-week break, but her life has continued to get worse. It makes me so sad to see and hear what's going on when so much can be prevented if she would make healthier choices.  My next steps will be contacting CPS (again) to share my latest concerns regarding my gs2.  :'( It won't be easy, but doing the right thing rarely is.

Please keep us posted... . That must be really hard to do (the CPS). I am really sorry this is happening.

We experienced some stuff in the past with our grandkids and were really torn about what to do as we knew that our SD kicked her visiting mom out of her house and cut all communication with her for 3 years when her mom threatened calling CPS... . We tried to stay in between as much as we could as a buffer, but it didn't always work completely. Such a tough choice... .