How do you deal with the absolute negativity?

[hurthusband]

How do you deal with the total negativity that permeates everything.  Everything is crap in their eyes.  Life is horrible.  Their life is horrible, it is somehow your fault or they are going to take it out on you.  They are quitting trying to live ie... job, parenting, housework, everything.  They literally just want to sleep all the time and at same time demand more of you or get more upset because they are not doing anything.  You are walking on eggshells trying to validate how it must be hard, but all the while the responsibility is being heaped upon you and the pressure of tip toing or being berated.

You think about leaving, but they are about to quit their job!  They are telling you about how horrible their job is and they want to go down a path of doing their own business but no real knowledge of if it can work, or even what to do!

So then you think, I cannot take this anymore, but if you leave after encouraging them to do what makes them happy which is no job, you are a real villian for leaving them and getting them to quit a job!

You keep hearing how everything is horrible, how everyone is against them, how they work too much and too hard.  Meanwhile, they are driving a new Lexus, they have all debt in their husbands name, they do have some good things.

You cannot combat what they are saying or you invalidate them.  So you sympathize with their misery.  Its to the point that they are so miserable and you have it much worse than they do that you just want to tell them they should kill themselves because there is nothing you can do and there is nothing that can be done because THEY are self wallowing in misery.  I mean what work is fun?  Not much.  Why cant anything be positive be seen?

You cannot take it anymore.  You want it all to stop, but you are capable of putting up a facade.  You cannot say you are fed up with it or that its ridiculous or it just invalidates them and gas lights them.  So your options are to walk or shut up. 

What do you do?

[maxsterling]

Well, you pretty much described my situation to a T, and I haven't figured out what to do yet   Some days it just feels really, really hopeless, and with her daily "I should kill myself" language, I sometimes think to myself that suicide may be a viable option for her misery. 

But you know what?  I try to focus on myself, try and carve out an hour here or there to do something that makes me feel good, and it helps.  And, i have noticed that with her constant negativity and complaining, many times it goes away on it's own.  If I am at work, I sometimes worry that she will be raging by the time I get home.  But lately, it seems she finds ways of snapping out of it for awhile. 

The complaining about jobs or other people or whatever is a real downer, but feels like a cakewalk compared to the suicide/violent language I have been dealing with lately.  Hang in there - do something for yourself today

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like time for a break. What can you do away from your wife that you would enjoy?

Walking or exercise?

An activity or hobby you enjoy?

Doing something with another friend?

Just get away for an evening each week, or an hour a day!

You are walking on eggshells trying to validate how it must be hard, but all the while the responsibility is being heaped upon you and the pressure of tip toing or being berated.

I find I can't validate unless I'm able to find some peace and some compassion for what my wife is going through. If I'm feeling eggshelly, tentative and nervous, the validation isn't going to go well.

BTW... . validation of how much she hates her job is NOT agreeing that she should quit her job. You do not have to approve of or agree to anything to validate it--you have to show that you understand what she is feeling.

I can see that you are terribly frustrated with your wife right now, and her negativity is pushing you to your limit. You also sound resentful that she has a new Lexus and you have the debt.

(That was an example of validation... . notice that in that line I made no statements about what you did which was good or bad, and no statements about what you should do about any of these things. Any approval or disapproval, or recommendation is not part of the validation. Generally those things are actually invalidating, even positive things.)

[OnceConfused]

hurthusband:

The new lexus for her has not stopped all the negativism from her, has it? . No matter what you do to appease her , the old BPD will come out shortly after that. What does that tell you about BPD? That is the problem which YOU cannot solve with just buying things or acquiescing to her demands.

You can deal with the negativity for one day but again the next day it will come back.

You already have the solutions in front of you as you wrote; THE OPTIONS ARE TO WALK OR TO SHUT UP.

You have to make that decision. Each decision will come with head ache and troubles so you have to dig deep and decide which one is the lesser evil.

If you walk, you might feel guilty for a while but trust me your pain will go away after about several months. If you stay, and you have to shut up then can you put up with all of that negativities for the next 5 , next 10 and the rest of your life?

FOr me, I chose the walk away and guess what I am in a much happier place now without all the BPD crazy stuffs. I am also stronger mentally because of that decision as well.

DO SOMETHING and DON"T JUST STAY IN LIMBO.

[hurthusband]

The limbo is the thing.  I do feel that if she can get back into art and she can feel some validation for her education and her life which will still mean crap to deal with.  I mean she will still complain about my job and me working too much or some other nonsense, but it will make it so its not worrying about coming home to a suicide, or sad to say, sometimes thinking it might be better for us both if she did.

I suppose i do use these boards to just vent and have somebody to talk to.  Certainly, nobody can truly understand somebody like this unless you have lived with them which all of you have. 

This is my way of staying grounded.  None of you are in my life per say so it cannot affect what happens with her ie... parent or friend judging her. 

I do feel myself detaching, and a bit of anger popping up at her which is shocking her.  Basically, anger in a tone to her stating I will not be talked to like she is and standing up for myself.  She thinks im just being horrible, but i am not assaulting her like she is me which is ironic she does not see what she is doing.  I am also certainly moving more and more towards just not walking, but kicking her out. 

Thinking about not giving her everything with lawyer but fighting her.  I am still in limbo, but I feel that I am finally getting fed up and a bit of anger and rage over the indignity she is serving me might be enough to either get me to leave or start putting my foot down for myself

[Grey Kitty]

You already have the solutions in front of you as you wrote; THE OPTIONS ARE TO WALK OR TO SHUT UP.

In a specific situation, this is spot on. I'll list two other choices I think you are trying to avoid, even though we all WANT to do these things:

JADE all over the place and make things worse.

Try to control her and make things worse.

In the longer game, you also have a third choice: Stand up for what you need, what you believe in, and don't accept bad behavior from her.

You will get some extinction bursts at first, thenshe will either get better or get worse if you stand up to her... . which will make your choice to get out of limbo easier.

[OnceConfused]

HurtHusband:

Staying in limbo is the worst of all things because it will shorten your life from stress and confusion. Like all things in nature, the moment we stop growing that moment we begin to die.

LIke you, I was in limbo for 5 months out of the total 9 months involved with xBPDgf. I was confused, could not sleep because I was constantly pushed and pulled by the xBPDwoman. ONe moment we were hot then the next breath we were breaking up. Many nights, I left her house in anger and yet I kept coming back once she pulled me back in the web.

It got to the point where I had to seek professional psychological helps and the best advice I got was , "this is a very high risk relationship" from the T. 

As evidenced by the fact that your wife is not happy even after you get her the lexus , I saw the same in my xBPDgf. Right after I was talked into loaning her 25K to fix her house, she then asked me to buy her a 30K diamond ring. I refused but she kept on asking and asking and asking , and finally I had to say NO, NO. Giving into BPD is like pouring water into a cup with a broken bottom, no matter how much you pour the cup is still empty.

ONe day I told her that if I die I would leave my late wife's 401k to our children, to which the xBPDgf went ballistic. SHe began the GUILT assault with telling me that I was old, I was sick and that she would have to take care of me and I would leave her high and dry, and my children were b*tches. I finally realize that the longer I stay in limbo with the xBPD the longer I stretch out my suffering. I began the exit strategy in how to get me out of the LIMBO state. Here was how I did it.

1. Taking inventory of the situation. I took a blank sheet of paper and drew 2 columns , labeled + and -. I wrote down in each column all I can think of were the positve and negative things of our relationship. I then assigned an importance score to each items, with 1 being not important at all to 5 being very important to me.

In the end of the excercise, my list of negative stuffs was longer than my positive column. That helped me see the r/s not from a emotional attachment but from a more quantitative approach. I knew then I need to get out asap.

2. Convince my inner mind that leaving her is OK. This took about 2 weeks of self talk. Finally, I gathered my strength came to her house, looked he straight in the eyes and said good bye. She gave me this soft look with tears in her eyes. I thought we could then rehabilitate our r/s so I began to ask her to see a professional T. Immediately, hearing that , she looked away . I knew then that I could not change her and no matter what I try it would be in vain, since she does not want to change. I got up and left her house.

3. What happensed since? I then met my now wife who is everthing that the xBPDgf is NOT. My life is a bliss, I am happy. I don't have to worry about being stabbed in the back.

I now learn that in life we should not try to change others to be the one we think they should be. That leads only to resentment and conflict. Like in your case, you are trying to change your wife or fix her to be that perfect wife , whom she is not and will not be. In the reverse, your wife is trying to change you to the obsequious husband, the door mat for her. Guess what, both of you are unhappy.  So the best way is just leave and try to find someone who is more compatible and not trying to change each others.