Sex as a hook

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok I'm going to be perfectly blunt.  I've had lots of times where I felt sex was being used as a reward or withheld as a punishment.  The lines between doing that intentionally and as a mere part of mood shift is pretty blurry.

I'm wondering if someone who has been diagnosed with BPD in the past can shed some light on a couple of questions for me.  First of all, does sexual intimacy do the same for them as it does for the non?  I.E. - does it promote feelings of bonding, closeness, and caring, or does it register differently?

The second question is that I believe it's often used as a hook - often I've read that sex with a BP is out of this world, and yes I can attest to the fact that at times (particularly when she feels I'm rethinking things or may be threatened) that she seems to go out of her way to ensure I have absolutely unquestionably great sexual encounters with her (after which she often muses about how "right" we are for each other and how she likes to make me happy).  So my question is, am I just being manipulated here or - similar to the first question - am I to believe she really believes this to be true herself and is doing things partly to reassure HERSELF as well?

[upsidedown_world]

Ok I'm going to be perfectly blunt.  I've had lots of times where I felt sex was being used as a reward or withheld as a punishment.  The lines between doing that intentionally and as a mere part of mood shift is pretty blurry.

I'm wondering if someone who has been diagnosed with BPD in the past can shed some light on a couple of questions for me.  First of all, does sexual intimacy do the same for them as it does for the non?  I.E. - does it promote feelings of bonding, closeness, and caring, or does it register differently?

The second question is that I believe it's often used as a hook - often I've read that sex with a BP is out of this world, and yes I can attest to the fact that at times (particularly when she feels I'm rethinking things or may be threatened) that she seems to go out of her way to ensure I have absolutely unquestionably great sexual encounters with her (after which she often muses about how "right" we are for each other and how she likes to make me happy).  So my question is, am I just being manipulated here or - similar to the first question - am I to believe she really believes this to be true herself and is doing things partly to reassure HERSELF as well?

[LoveLove]

Obviously I can't answer your question directly. However, from what I've read, I can tell you that they use sex as a means of control (even though they blame the person they are with for controlling THEM). They make certain to make the person they're with GREAT during sexual encounters, and make it about the other person - when in reality they use it as a control tool.

I don't know anything further about it... . yet, it does make sense. It makes them feel worthy - especially when you tell them "yes this is the greatest sex ever." And we have to remember, they fear abandonment, so if they can give you the greatest sex ever, it makes them feel you won't leave (even though in the back of their minds they still believe you eventually will leave)... .

Frustrating to say the least.

[aeron]

Ok I'm going to be perfectly blunt.  I've had lots of times where I felt sex was being used as a reward or withheld as a punishment.  The lines between doing that intentionally and as a mere part of mood shift is pretty blurry.

Interesting question. Admittedly, our relationships are a little different. I've been with my upwBPD for 12+ years (flexible because we were friends b4 dating etc). Also, I am in a same sex relationship.

That being said, I've had the same concerns as you, Upsidedown. My partner and I experience several days of intense and mind-blowing sexual encounters together. Then, suddenly... . nothing from him! Or even worse, he tries to dominate or "use" me. When I don't act totally submissive or reject this behavior, he becomes (1) uninterested (2) begins sexting with people on a hookup app or (3) does something totally disgusting to keep me at bay.

I read another post after joining this site where someone diagnosed BPD mentioned that she was incapable of loving someone, despite her feelings to the contrary at the time.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

Can we not presume the same thing about sex? Due to previous emotional pain and trauma, maybe they do not have room in their "heart" to offer the caring, bonding and closeness that typically ensues from a sexual encounter in a loving relationship. 

I also believe it may be an issue of objectification in order to divorce their feelings from us:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0

Truth be told, we will never know exactly how the other person in the relationship feels. I know where you're coming from and what you're feeling! I'm a researcher and it is my nature to analyze things, to try and figure them out. So, not having a definite answer can be frustrating.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw uses sex in a weird way, we have sex 3-4 times a week (not bad for 50+ years old) but that leaves her 3-4 nights a week to lament how I don't find her attractive... . with all the fun that comes with that converstion... .

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf claims that he wants sex weekly, but I'm required to be the initiator.  I am suppose to "chase him."  IN the 3years we have been together, I have really only turned him down directly once, because he was extremely intoxicated.  When I did that, I got an hour of rage.

[aeron]

Word. Same thing here. I always reciprocate. However, if I don't initiate, my partner gets angry and lashes out by having cyber sex, or sexting with strangers he meets online (all the while telling them that I'm neglecting him).

My uBPDbf claims that he wants sex weekly, but I'm required to be the initiator.  I am suppose to "chase him."  IN the 3years we have been together, I have really only turned him down directly once, because he was extremely intoxicated.  When I did that, I got an hour of rage.

[rj47]

So much variability in human sexuality its hard to know for certain. I long suspected that my BPDw consciously used sex as a tool. However, after near 30-years of a fairly intense connection I don't believe its something that can be faked. It may be a variant symptom of the PD or a related condition (ie; bi-polar) that they have little control over. In our case she genuinely seems to enjoy it and reciprocates with the same intensity I'm willing to give. However, she also admits that she has a need to physically look and be her erotic best to keep me. After decades of devotion she still fears I will abandon her for another woman. A big part of the reason I enjoy sexual intimacy is that it feels for a time as if I have gotten back the carefree adventurous woman I fell in love with before the ugliness and stress set in. The downside is if she senses my athletic intensity is not at a constant heightened level or the average duration of intimacy decreases it can trigger fear and accusations that I am losing interest in her. It becomes a tool she uses to bait and accuse me during episodes. She's knows  that I won't likely find another age appropriate woman with similar beauty, sexual appetite, and intensity... . and she verbalizes it at every opportunity (cheapening the experience). However, in my evolving response to her episodic outbursts I employ the same shallow confidence. We may unwittingly become the victims of our own desire for them, but, at least we should maintain awareness of how its used and mount appropriate defenses.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm not BPD -my ex wife was/is, though undiagnosed.  And in line with what others have shared, she is definitely hyper-sexual.  She has a strong deviant sexual side that I know she has hidden from me in many ways -strange and even sadistic fantasies.  She did share with me one time something that was a bit disturbing.  She wanted to know desperately that I wanted to "know her" in those areas.  She rightly noticed that I had sort of tiptoed around those things for years (for good reason, as you will see).  She shared two things with me that were a bit off-putting.  First, she liked to watch porn (which I already knew), but she liked it when the women were treated badly and talked down to.  Why?  Because they are "filthy whores" and they "deserve it."  Second, she told me that one of the things that turns her on, like actually arouses her sexually and puts her "in the mood" in a big way, is going into a scuzzy bar, knowing she is the "hottest one in there" (and the most classy, since all the people that hang out at bars, men or women, according to her are scummy and classless), knowing that every guy in the place wants to "F#@K" her, and then fantasizing about rejecting every single one of them... . presumably so that she can come home and give it to HER man.  If that doesn't show a deep fusing of sexual impulse with sadism and rage and control, I don't know what does.

As with many of us, my relationship with her started as very intensely sexual.  I was a virgin at the time, so this was a huge hook for me.  We had an amazing sexual relationship up until we actually got married (i.e. once I was "hers".  She was very sweet but wanted it all the time like an animal and was very compassionate and patient as I learned new things (she had a lot of experience whereas obviously I had none).  It lingered a bit into the beginning of our marriage, but things changed pretty quickly.  Suddenly, she became very critical of me.  She compared me to past lovers.  She would even physically kick me and hurt me if I didn't perform well enough or didn't last long enough for her.  To say this absolutely destroyed my confidence and self-esteem as a man is an understatement.  I had nothing else to compare it too, as well.  I truly believed for a long time that I was "not a man" and that I "would never be able to please a woman" and that there was something seriously wrong with me and that all other guys were normal and I was not.  I spend the next decade trying to constantly fix myself and make it up to her, hoping I would be good enough to love and be with.  This pressure, of course, only made sex painful and awkward and anxiety producing, making it even worse.  I am severely damaged in that area because of this.  I have had brief sexual relationships with two other women since my divorce, and it was nothing like this.  It was actually good and felt ZERO pressure.  They actually wanted to know if it was okay for ME.  God forbid.

It became that I had no idea how to even approach my wife, especially because (though I couldn't see it until near the end of our relationship) she would emotionally shut herself off from me but put me in the impossible position of "turning her back on" and "making her alive."  Impossible and crazy making.  Of course, she was NOT emotionally distancing herself and taking the passive "wipe my butt" role with other men, so it only confirmed her delusion that I was the problem and other men were wonderful in that area.  I lived in an impossible no-win situation.  

So, yes.  Is sex typically used as a means of control and domination?  You bet... . definitely in my situation it was.  And I've seen her do the same thing to other men.  They turn into her little minions, wanting to remain in that sexual high, that sexual paradise, and desperately trying to chase her in order to get back into those good graces again.

[upsidedown_world]

I read an article that proposed that an unusually high percentage of prostitutes likely have BPD (I interpreted this as they likely had it BEFORE they chose the vocation).  Sadly, that would make a LOT of sense on a LOT of different levels.

[OutOfEgypt]

After my divorce, my ex signed up for millionairematch.com.  She was a "sugar baby" and flew out a few times (that I KNOW of) to be an "escort" for rich business men flying and and out of certain locations.  She was paid $800 from one guy, along with receiving a few outfits from a local sex shop they perused together, and allowed him to take pictures of her wearing the outfits, but claims he got mad because she wouldn't have sex with him.  I'm pretty sure she is lying about not sleeping with them.

One of her "dreams" for her future, which she shared with me, was to find a wealthy older man who would pay for her to go to college, get her a boob job and whatever other cosmetic surgery she wanted, and give her money to do whatever she wanted and to buy whatever she wanted for our kids.  In exchange, she would have sex with him.  She would do that for a time until she got what she needed.  Nice, huh?  Way to shoot for the stars

[FigureIt]

I think some uBPD males use it differently.  They want it on their terms. If I say I don't feel good or not now he gets upset with me. Or I'm suppose to be "aggressive" instead of just asking to be close (which implies having sex).  Yet, if he wants when I ask, the response I get is "ehh aaa"  Really he doesn't know... . Just another game to play.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yup it is a game... . a very insidious game because of all the deep emotions and attachment wrapped up in sex.  Sex is the avenue through which to destroy a person's soul.

[mace17]

My uBPDh definitely plays some kind of games regarding sex, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I know he expects it quite frequently, like at least once a day, but he also refuses to initiate and gets upset with me if I don't. There have been times when I wasn't in the mood, because of hurtful things he has said, but he tells me that most women don't have emotional connections with sex and can just have sex no matter how they feel about the other person, that there must be something wrong with me, and that I am using sex as a weapon.  Even though I make a point of initiating at least every other day just to keep him happy, its not good enough, because I'm not enthusiastic enough or its still not often enough or something. 

He will literally lay there and not touch me at all, and if I fall asleep thinking he wasn't interested anyway, I have hell to pay the next morning.  I guess I just need to operate under the assumption that he always wants it and I better give it to him as much as I can.

[FigureIt]

My uBPDh definitely plays some kind of games regarding sex, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I know he expects it quite frequently, like at least once a day, but he also refuses to initiate and gets upset with me if I don't. There have been times when I wasn't in the mood, because of hurtful things he has said, but he tells me that most women don't have emotional connections with sex and can just have sex no matter how they feel about the other person, that there must be something wrong with me, and that I am using sex as a weapon.  Even though I make a point of initiating at least every other day just to keep him happy, its not good enough, because I'm not enthusiastic enough or its still not often enough or something. 

He will literally lay there and not touch me at all, and if I fall asleep thinking he wasn't interested anyway, I have hell to pay the next morning.  I guess I just need to operate under the assumption that he always wants it and I better give it to him as much as I can.

For the record he is wrong about women not having an emotional connection to sex. In most relationships women are much more emotionally connected then men. 

I too feel the same if you want it initiate it. And sometimes we aren't in the mood and that's okay too. I don't believe that you should just do it cuz he wants it. Unfortunately that may be a boundary that you need to establish.

[OutOfEgypt]

I know he expects it quite frequently, like at least once a day, but he also refuses to initiate and gets upset with me if I don't

That is my ex wife.  Highly sexual, but (except for in the initial phase of the relationship) she always expects me to be the one to initiate and "know" her... . which means she is passive and I am supposed to run her approval gauntlet and "do it right" to somehow turn her on, even though she appears to be completely shut off.  I'm somehow supposed to just read her mind.  She would call me "stupid" and such if I would not be "in tune" with her like that, which she claims she was able to do with every other guy she's ever been with except for me.  Any wonder I felt like a deer in the headlights in bed with her?  Awful.

Also, I'm not going to try to compare how strongly men versus women connect sex with emotion, but let's just say that her uses and abuses in the bedroom have wrecked me emotionally.  I will literally never be the same.  I can heal somewhat, and I have in some ways, but I can never go back to innocence when I first met her.

[bruceli]

Word. Same thing here. I always reciprocate. However, if I don't initiate, my partner gets angry and lashes out by having cyber sex, or sexting with strangers he meets online (all the while telling them that I'm neglecting him).

My uBPDbf claims that he wants sex weekly, but I'm required to be the initiator.  I am suppose to "chase him."  IN the 3years we have been together, I have really only turned him down directly once, because he was extremely intoxicated.  When I did that, I got an hour of rage.

Hmmmm... . I am beginning to see that it is a behavior that seems to have nothing to do with gender or sexual orientation.  Researcher here too.

[OutOfEgypt]

I only ever turned my ex wife down ONCE... . that was at some point midway in our relationship, in the middle of the night.  I had not been getting nearly enough sleep, had been doing everything (as normal) and needed to get up in a mere few hours.  She was masturbating and acted as though I am the worst and most selfish person in the world because it woke me and I rolled over and muttered something unintelligible and could barely keep my eyes open.  Apparently, I was supposed to jump all over that regardless of my feelings and need to be functional in a few hours, because I have had that held against me for the last 10 years.  That one night.  And I'm sure her dumb, codependent friends all think I'm a total ass.  My comfort is in knowing that they probably would have jumped off a building if they had to live with what I went through.  

In the beginning of the relationship it was not like that.  Things were intense and mutual and compassionate.  But once it cemented in and I was "hers", suddenly she went into the passive-demander-judge role.  Everything needs to revolve around her, and I need to know how to chase and initiate and everything, or else I don't really care enough about her, am selfish, or am just insufficient to satisfy her needs.

After the divorce, we tried to reconcile briefly because she said she wanted to go get therapy.  Well, it went the SAME way.  Mutual and great at first, and then as soon as she knew I was hooked, and she moved back in, she went back to being the passive-demander-judge.  By two months after she was hanging out with her old affair friend again, and then I found out she was fooling around with one of our son's 18 year old friends.

Glad I'm not living in that hell any longer.  Too bad it as permanently stained my feelings about sex.

[OutOfEgypt]

If you think about it, it makes sense.  It's a position of control.  The person who takes the role of the passive person who judges and expects and demands is the one who has all the control.  They are exposing zero vulnerability but expecting total vulnerability from you, while they critique your ever move and decide if it is enough. It is a way to keep you under control while never having to know true emotional intimacy themselves.  You get to be the one who never is enough, not them, which also fuels their ego and helps them continue to do what they MUST do at all costs -avoid that sense of shame and guilt that hangs around their neck like a noose.

[upsidedown_world]

My uBPDh definitely plays some kind of games regarding sex, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I know he expects it quite frequently, like at least once a day, but he also refuses to initiate and gets upset with me if I don't. There have been times when I wasn't in the mood, because of hurtful things he has said, but he tells me that most women don't have emotional connections with sex and can just have sex no matter how they feel about the other person, that there must be something wrong with me, and that I am using sex as a weapon.  Even though I make a point of initiating at least every other day just to keep him happy, its not good enough, because I'm not enthusiastic enough or its still not often enough or something. 

He will literally lay there and not touch me at all, and if I fall asleep thinking he wasn't interested anyway, I have hell to pay the next morning.  I guess I just need to operate under the assumption that he always wants it and I better give it to him as much as I can.

Sorry if this offends anyone but that IS crazy.  AT LEAST DAILY sex?  He won't initiate?  What the hell?  What kind of messed up mentality is THAT based upon?  I'd let all hell break loose and go on strike.  It sounds like he has a dopamine addiction with NO personal connection.  Is that what you want for a relationship?  God, if that were me I'd get out and get in a normal relationship before I got any more messed up.  Just sayin'.

[mace17]

My uBPDh definitely plays some kind of games regarding sex, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I know he expects it quite frequently, like at least once a day, but he also refuses to initiate and gets upset with me if I don't. There have been times when I wasn't in the mood, because of hurtful things he has said, but he tells me that most women don't have emotional connections with sex and can just have sex no matter how they feel about the other person, that there must be something wrong with me, and that I am using sex as a weapon.  Even though I make a point of initiating at least every other day just to keep him happy, its not good enough, because I'm not enthusiastic enough or its still not often enough or something. 

He will literally lay there and not touch me at all, and if I fall asleep thinking he wasn't interested anyway, I have hell to pay the next morning.  I guess I just need to operate under the assumption that he always wants it and I better give it to him as much as I can.

Sorry if this offends anyone but that IS crazy.  AT LEAST DAILY sex?  He won't initiate?  What the hell?  What kind of messed up mentality is THAT based upon?  I'd let all hell break loose and go on strike.  It sounds like he has a dopamine addiction with NO personal connection.  Is that what you want for a relationship?  God, if that were me I'd get out and get in a normal relationship before I got any more messed up.  Just sayin'.

It's amazing what one can learn to accept as normal... . I guess there have been a few times in the past when I turned him down, mostly when our son was a baby and I was just tired. And we worked different shifts for years, which made things difficult. But normally I don't turn him down, he says he quit initiating because he doesn't want to get rejected. I don't get how it's much different or any better though when he gets really mad if I don't initiate, it's not like I turned him down I just fell asleep. I also learned that sleeping with my back to him is a personal rejection, so I have learned to adjust my sleeping position. Yet I am still accused if using sex as a weapon.

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf definitely uses it as control or a weapon.  I'm not overly sexual, but I don't turn it down.  And during the week I have things going on.  The past 2 nights he has slept on the couch downstairs.  Now by his choice when we go to bed, he sits in a rocker recliner and rocks till he falls asleep and then usually comes to bed.  The past 2 nights he has rocked and then gone downstairs & slept on the couch.  I haven't initiated sex, because I've had a head cold and take niquil which has knocked me out the past 3 nights.  If he wants sex, he is more then welcome to get in bed and have it.

When I have asked "why did you sleep downstairs?" His response is a mumbled "I don't know... . "

Oh, that is BS!  He is sleeping downstairs cuz he wants "attention."  I'm too tired of this game.  I am home every night and sit in his room and does he have a conversation... . "NO"  When I ask what he is doing on phone or computer... . the response... . "Nothing"  then he dozes off till we go to bed. 

I wish so much I had liquid assests that I could just move NOW!

[rj47]

Following this stream, the non-BPD in this relationship seems destined to disappoint, fail, and fall short of the BPD expectations.

I stopped in the midst of intimacy with my BPDw last night sensing her non-interest. She said my intensity was lacking. She then told me she knows I'm not attracted to her, am bored with sex, senses it, and she's getting less satisfaction. This from a woman that said two weeks ago (after 3+ hours) that she wanted to "p*mp" me out to other women but was afraid they might stalk and steal me away. When I'm with her I get utterly lost and out of my mind, there is no hesitation, no rush; only willingness to extend the intimacy for both of us for as long as possible. She's entirely stunning to me I often have to stop stare, touch her everywhere and how utterly fortunate and grateful I am to be with her. She's intensely sexual 've even allowed her to take us to some dangerous places in our

Its up, its down. If we commit a misstep in a thrice weekly activity that they deem was less than perfect, or, they are simply having a bad day (and need to transfer the angst); we pay for it. Its a truly maddening cause for despair that even in the area of intimacy; its used as a tool. I told her that I'm completely confident that any man (any man!) that she might be intimate with in the future will absolutely be a hundred times hotter and better at satisfying her than me... . but that I'm also confident that any woman I might connect with in the future will find intimacy with me to be more satisfying than with any man she's been with. She slams me with "of course you will, I know your capable of it, you just don't care to do it for me anymore". I knew it was coming... . its about piling on accusation and punishment.

I love my wife, have an abnormal attraction to her, look forward to each moment with anticipation, and, work hard to mix it up and keep it interesting (really not work). Instead, I'm simply frustrated as I have no idea where to go from here.

&$E^()%@!

[NewMom]

My dBPDh definitely also "uses" sex in a way.  We always had a lot, but for him it seemed as if it was more important to cuddle and be held.  All our friends always commented on how small out bed was for two people (especially because my h is really pretty tall/large).  I always thought it normal to have sex and cuddle as often as we did (he was my first and so far my only sexual partner). 

He then explained his infidelity to me (that happened last summer): I was pregnant with our daughter and unable to have sex and cuddling felt very uncomfortable to me as it was over 100°.  So he interpreted this as me not loving him anymore.  So off he went to a woman who would show him love, which for him is sex.

After a few months of T he has admitted that he cannot differentiate between sex and love.  That when he is in bed with ANY woman (even prostitutes) he believes they love him and he loves them. 

Both his mother and his grandmother are BPD and have used sex as hooks A LOT.  His grandmother would prostitute herself to get things she needed for the household (she lived in communist Hungary) and didn't care at all that she needed to give her body to get things she wanted. 

His mother fled Hungary because she couldn't take her mother's conduct and then, after getting married and HER husband not being able to perform ALL THE TIME, went on to get herself various lovers.  When my h was 14 he (my h) told her to finally leave before she continued to ruin the family.  And now, 20 yrs later, he's doing the very same... .

[mace17]

My dBPDh definitely also "uses" sex in a way.  We always had a lot, but for him it seemed as if it was more important to cuddle and be held.  All our friends always commented on how small out bed was for two people (especially because my h is really pretty tall/large).  I always thought it normal to have sex and cuddle as often as we did (he was my first and so far my only sexual partner). 

He then explained his infidelity to me (that happened last summer): I was pregnant with our daughter and unable to have sex and cuddling felt very uncomfortable to me as it was over 100°.  So he interpreted this as me not loving him anymore.  So off he went to a woman who would show him love, which for him is sex.

After a few months of T he has admitted that he cannot differentiate between sex and love.  That when he is in bed with ANY woman (even prostitutes) he believes they love him and he loves them. 

Both his mother and his grandmother are BPD and have used sex as hooks A LOT.  His grandmother would prostitute herself to get things she needed for the household (she lived in communist Hungary) and didn't care at all that she needed to give her body to get things she wanted. 

His mother fled Hungary because she couldn't take her mother's conduct and then, after getting married and HER husband not being able to perform ALL THE TIME, went on to get herself various lovers.  When my h was 14 he (my h) told her to finally leave before she continued to ruin the family.  And now, 20 yrs later, he's doing the very same... .

This sounds so much like mine, if I don't have sex with him once a day or at least every other day, he thinks I don't love him and am using sex as a weapon. I'm not using sex as anything, maybe once in awhile I'm actually exhausted and just go to sleep! I don't even know anymore what's normal and what isn't, I just know I'm told I'm not normal and there is something wrong with me frequently. The last little "episode" we had he threatened to go find someone who had the same drive he did and wouldn't fall asleep, and I just didn't even care.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This sounds so much like mine, if I don't have sex with him once a day or at least every other day, he thinks I don't love him and am using sex as a weapon. I'm not using sex as anything, maybe once in awhile I'm actually exhausted and just go to sleep! I don't even know anymore what's normal and what isn't, I just know I'm told I'm not normal and there is something wrong with me frequently. The last little "episode" we had he threatened to go find someone who had the same drive he did and wouldn't fall asleep, and I just didn't even care.

Ditto with my uBPDw.  However after all that then I get the "I don't care" speech because I didn't 'care' that she said it for the 1000th time... .

While her Christianity has its own challenges, at least I don't have to worry about the extra-marital affairs so many others do here.

[wake up]

Sex with pwBPD is definitely intense... . With my uBPD ex bf it was 3-5 times every day (he is 19 and I was his first). No complaints here, I sometimes initiated and never turned it down.  The only time I noticed anything weird was if I didn't tell him I loved him during sex he would tell me after that it felt empty and not intimate, even if it was exactly the same for me! Also the last time I was with him we just slept for an hour and no sex, neither of us initiated it - afterwards he told my friend that I was cold towards him... . I believe with him it was a very emotional thing and he used it to to feel loved. He told me he only felt that I truly loved him when we had sex.  He was always paranoid that I would get bored from sex with him,  I think he perfected the art as a way of keeping me.

In the end during the recycles I didn't even bother talking about our problems, just reconnected with sex.  What's the point in talking- he wouldn't ever take responsibility and I knew it was a waste of energy even trying to get change out of him!

Aaaah must get off this topic as I'm starting to miss him hehe

[mace17]

Sex with pwBPD is definitely intense... . With my uBPD ex bf it was 3-5 times every day (he is 19 and I was his first). No complaints here, I sometimes initiated and never turned it down.  The only time I noticed anything weird was if I didn't tell him I loved him during sex he would tell me after that it felt empty and not intimate, even if it was exactly the same for me! Also the last time I was with him we just slept for an hour and no sex, neither of us initiated it - afterwards he told my friend that I was cold towards him... . I believe with him it was a very emotional thing and he used it to to feel loved. He told me he only felt that I truly loved him when we had sex.  He was always paranoid that I would get bored from sex with him,  I think he perfected the art as a way of keeping me.

In the end during the recycles I didn't even bother talking about our problems, just reconnected with sex.  What's the point in talking- he wouldn't ever take responsibility and I knew it was a waste of energy even trying to get change out of him!

Aaaah must get off this topic as I'm starting to miss him hehe

That's pretty much it in a nutshell - my H seems to think that unless we have very frequent sex, I don't love him and am being cold to him.  The hard part is that he does not show any affection, like touching or hugging or cuddling, unless he wants sex and as soon as he gets it he goes right back to the same way.  I would probably be more enthusiastic if he was more cuddly and affectionate, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

[buterfly]

In the beginning of our relationship the sex was constant, and mind-blowing.  5-6 years in I began to pick up that when I didn't have sex with him at least once a day then he would get angry or in a mood, so I kept it up as long as I could.  Soon after he coerced me into having threesomes with him and another girl, we did this for about two years, until I realized there was nothing in it for me.  It was soon after that he brought up cheating on me in the very beginning of our relationship because I was not consistently (meaning not 3 times a day) having sex with him, and I was tired at night (I was beginning my career).  I was actually relieved to hear this because I was being told all of the time what a horrible person I was, and how awful I was, and I didn't feel like the awful one anymore.  It was there when I went into therapy, researched, and discovered the nature of my husband. 

Although I can now name many types of abuse in my relationship, I am still hesitant to call this sexual abuse, although it probably is, but here is our sex life in a nutshell:

Anyway, now, yes, I feel pressured to have sex, a lot.  The worst is shortly after he rages he wants to make up with sex.  I am anything but in the mood.  Sometimes I do it just to avoid another rage, because sometimes when I don't do it I get a rage. 

Every time we have sex he asks the same old questions about it afterward.  Where did you cum? Did you cum?  What did you like most about it? 

He has criticized me often saying if we don't have sex I am controlling it or withholding it, if we do have sex (and I initiate it, or think outside of the box, or don't think outside of the box) I am controlling it.  If we have sex and he initiates it it's because he always has to initiate it. 

He often tells me I don't show "enough love," but then again showing love (according to his definition) is not just about sex, although he has yet to tell me exactly what it is about.

I realize I just went off a little, but, yeah, our sex life in my eyes is all wacked out, I really couldn't tell you what he thinks of it because the messages are so mixed I don't get it anymore.   

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I realize I just went off a little, but, yeah, our sex life in my eyes is all wacked out, I really couldn't tell you what he thinks of it because the messages are so mixed I don't get it anymore.   

Not off at all...

The worst is shortly after he rages he wants to make up with sex.  I am anything but in the mood.  Sometimes I do it just to avoid another rage, because sometimes when I don't do it I get a rage.

Been there

He has criticized me often saying if we don't have sex I am controlling it or withholding it, if we do have sex (and I initiate it, or think outside of the box, or don't think outside of the box) I am controlling it.  If we have sex and he initiates it it's because he always has to initiate it. 

Done that... .

[3 children]

Wow... . honestly feels like I could have written that.  I have begun to reach a place where my BPDw is unable to get me back on my heels.  Was able to get me defensive or feel insecure very easily.  Not so much the past few months.  I don't come back anymore and beg her to come back to "reality".  Or get back in the game so the issues she brings up to me get drug out even longer with no end in sight.  We hadn't had sex for about 4 weeks.  And a few nights ago it was the same story she pushed and pushed and I wouldn't give her the fight she always wants. (So in the end everything she has done can be justified).   She has obviously struggled with my better way of dealing with her lately and a few nights ago told me this was how our relationship was always going to be from here on out.  No affection, no friendship, no dates, no sex... . Etc.  (not that that there has been much of that the last year anyway...   Not by my choice.)  it would just be living our own lives and raising the kids.  I kept my cool and told her I didn't agree with that approach that I felt that level of disconnection would make things worse, and that if she chose that then that was her choice.  I can tell she has felt her manipulation tactics are loosing their effectiveness.   Them about two in the morning she came into our sons bedroom where I was sleeping and woke me up to tell me she wanted to have sex.  I gave in and we went into our room where the sex was amazing again. (From a purely sexual stand point... . emotional bonding side of it has felt gone from my side for a while and pretty sure from her side has never been real.)  needless to say the next day was back to no affection, no talking, no softness, no LOVE.   I know now whether she sees it or not that it was used to feel like she can control me in at least that way.   Our marriage has at times felt like this to me and when I realized what was going on with her (Bpd) I felt very used in many ways including sex.   I don't believe in my wife's mind that she sees sex the same way Nona do (a way to be intimate with your spouse).  As sexual as a person as I am, and very open.  Sex is still something sacred to me between me and my wife.  And I'm sure she doesn't see it as that.  Especially when these situations happen.   I know I will eventually get to a point where I won't want to have it anymore with her (without change) despite my own sexual needs.   That was a long answer here's my short.   I don't think sex is the same to BPDs.  I think from my experience its not off limits as another tool in the toolbox to use for manipulation and/or to feel in control.   Sad, but in my experience I feel that it's true.