Is she just saying it so I'll stay

[krazyblue]

Since I've been reading and learning about BPD, I can look back and see that my wife has had the behaviors for a long time. Although, the demeaning remarks and entitlement get frustrating, the anger is the worst.  She says the terrible stuff, blames me, says I twist words in my head, that I consistently let her down, and that I'm the problem.  She says that she has to be that way to get through to me because I don't know how to communicate. Bull___. It abusive and I'm tired of it. No one say that stuff to someone they love.

She got Rheumatiod Arthritis really bad 2yrs ago and she is only 39.  It is pretty severe and last March she had to stop working.  She was alone in the house with her head. She has one friend that sees occasionally.  Her social anxiety got worse. She started getting obsessed on unrealistic goals that she wanted me to go along with.  When one of them didn't work out, shame blamed me and treated me like ___. I couldn't take it. I tried to talk to her about getting help and she verbally attacked me. There were two other brutal arguments until I ended up moving to the guest room. When she stopped being mad, she expected me to fall back in line. Not this time. I started hanging out with people I hadn't really seen most nights.  We had another argument. She minimize it ant said to was the problem. In between these times she was totally fine.

I was at the end of my rope. I told her I was leaving. She immediately started throwing insults and manipulating behaviors. She screamed that she hated me as loud as she could. When she finally stopped and asked  me to move to the basement.  I went down there and a few minute later, she calmly asked if we could talk. She was still difficult but it seemed like she was actually trying to listen. I finally got her to agree to go to a therapist and work on her stuff.

I have no idea if she really wants to get help or if she was just saying it so that I wouldn't leave.  My faith in things really getting better has really been damaged.

For now I will keep reading and trying to learn the live better with her having this illness but it is a lot of work.  I love her but I don't want to live with that kind of abuse and have her think it is okay.

Hopefully, she won't just blow it off because things seem okay again.

[krazyblue]

Oops, sorry about the swearing.

[refusetosuccumb]

Since we aren't in her head, I really can't tell you if she's serious or if she's saying it to keep herself from being abandoned (for good reason, but you know she won't accept blame).

For my own (failed) relationship, mine said all sorts of things to keep me around.  Once I started paying attention to his actions rather than his words, some glaring obvious traits and behaviours stuck with me.

My ex was off of work for the past 3yrs.  Instead of him taking the time to see drs, psychiatrists, etc., he took the time to do nothing.  He's a musician and expected me to do marketing for him (on top of working full time, taking care of all things household and kid related while he dreamed up his next big song in our basement).  When I told him I wouldn't, I got accused to not supporting him and wanting him to fail.

My ex constantly said "if I had cancer, would you throw me out?"  That generally worked on me.  Until someone here succinctly pointed out that "people with cancer don't verbally abuse you.  The side effect of BPD is (generally) verbal abuse"

Mine is sick but I can't rescue him from him.  Just like you can't rescue her from her.  I'd say stop listening to her words and start looking at her actions.  If they don't line up, protect yourself.

Peace out.

[krazyblue]

So it seems that she really is going to take working on her behavior and our dynamic seriously.  My willingness to leave her served as an effective wake-up call.  She is in agreement that separate but adjacent rooms are the best thing for us right now.  She seems really committed to going to therapy and taking charge of her self care as well as allowing me space to take care of myself.

I am extremely grateful to therapy (4rys) for helping me to find me voice and for finding this site in a frantic search for answers to her worsening behavior.  I learned so much from the couple of books I've read and this site.  I realize that this is just the beginning. I have a long way to go and a lot to learn about dealing with this disorder.

Thank you Refuse for your response.  I will try to focus on her actions rather than her words. 

Before I thought I would be trapped in the fear, obligation, and guilt but now I know I have choices.