chased out of house the second time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not been posting for months... . moved out of the house the first time round with s4 in march.

He screamed at us while we were Sleeping.

After 2 months he begged and promised to chnage. We drew up a plan n set rules. After barely a month, he kicked me out of the house as i was notwilling to listen to him, bought a pair of designer sunglasses, and didnt stock up the fridge properly, used my phone during brunch with his folks.

Im working full time and the past 2 weeks was thegreatest milestone in my new job. An office relocation.

He didnt get attention, and i was dumbfounded as things seemed to be going fine, fridy night he snapped and i wanted to throw somethingat him.

He told me to ring the police.

It didnt happen and i thought the peaceful choice was me toagree to exit.

Last night he told me on the phone thatwe can work out if i listened and shut up. And if he gets control on my money. Control n sex feeds his ego. I refuse to agree tothat.

Went to a counselor once. He didnt likeher as she  said he was too cheap. And he complained about the costs.

Girlfriends said im crazy to forgive.

I thought of getting a divorce first and if he wants to be together he can try after... what do you think?

[Not normal]

Not been posting for months... . moved out of the house the first time round with s4 in march.

He screamed at us while we were Sleeping.

After 2 months he begged and promised to chnage. We drew up a plan n set rules. After barely a month, he kicked me out of the house as i was notwilling to listen to him, bought a pair of designer sunglasses, and didnt stock up the fridge properly, used my phone during brunch with his folks.

Im working full time and the past 2 weeks was thegreatest milestone in my new job. An office relocation.

He didnt get attention, and i was dumbfounded as things seemed to be going fine, fridy night he snapped and i wanted to throw somethingat him.

He told me to ring the police.

It didnt happen and i thought the peaceful choice was me toagree to exit.

Last night he told me on the phone thatwe can work out if i listened and shut up. And if he gets control on my money. Control n sex feeds his ego. I refuse to agree tothat.

Went to a counselor once. He didnt likeher as she  said he was too cheap. And he complained about the costs.

Girlfriends said im crazy to forgive.

I thought of getting a divorce first and if he wants to be together he can try after... what do you think?

[Hopeless777]

I went through this 3 times. I'm living separate now for a week. Always the same. They demand that you leave and when you do they plead for your return. And when you do, it starts all over again. My advice (and I have a 28 year relationship) is that if you've moved out, stay out. It seems to always turn out bad. And that seems to be the consensus on this board as well.

[AimingforMastery]

I went through this 3 times. I'm living separate now for a week. Always the same. They demand that you leave and when you do they plead for your return. And when you do, it starts all over again. My advice (and I have a 28 year relationship) is that if you've moved out, stay out. It seems to always turn out bad. And that seems to be the consensus on this board as well.

That may be good advice.

My personal view is that without strong commitment to therapy by the BPD nothing changes, and even with therapy it will be hard.

Sometimes hard enough to ruin your life. I speak from experience

[Not normal]

Thanks for the very good advice.

I've been upside down and inside out thinking about it all.

Due to their missing emotions which a 'normal' person possess, from what I've learnt in this great forum, it's choosing a lifetime of disagreements with a 3 year old.

It will always be about him and never about me or my son.

My mistake was to try to be the bigger man but failed terribly to keep it going and apply the tools. I lost patience and love in doing that and got selfish to think about my career and self.all done not secretly but under his microscope.

I've ranged my lawyer and going to meet him on Friday.

Arranged to meet hb on Thursday to get some other items and to chat or conclude... .

Any ideas of a good speech? I'm still soft but even if he half heartedly agrees to therapy,  it maybe too late for me and my son.

Another great fear is my son learning from him and fails to tell the difference of what is healthy love, uses his 'skills' on me... . I ll drop dead...

[Fanie]

My calendar (if you are married and want it to work out)

Move out

You start your own therapy (its important)

He re-start his therapy

and don't move back !

let there be visible  REAL changes FIRST

Keep contact

Use your new acquired skills from your therapy

with the relationship and decisions

It takes a long time ... . maybe a year or more

Both spouse's progress with therapy will indicate to you "when" to move back

do that after consultation with your therapist (and he can consult with the other parties' therapist)

don't be hasty

Choose therapist wisely - and PRAY ... .

May God Bless ... .

[Not normal]

Thanks Fanie

Wished I was wiser and did it the first time round.

I don't think he will agree to therapy as he feels that there s nothing wrong with him.

However I will mention it as a last chance to savage whatever is left.

I'm worried as he used divorce as a threat to scare me into submission.

After he found out that it no longer works as I wasn't afraid anymore he found my new weakness.  Moving out with my son to a not so ideal place, my parents spare floor ... causing distress and discomfort to our routine.

I can only imagine from cyclic trends that if I return to him, he will use moving out as a form of punishment for me and I can't imagine what next. .

I used to be optimistic and did what I could as a good wife... . now I just dunno anymore... .

[Fanie]

Discomfort and distress vs the future of your son (and you) ?

Give him a chance

You already moved back too early previously (that is now his benchmark)

Show him that you are serious this time and don't move back

Only move back if and when the psychologists recommends it

If he really wants you he will eventually start therapy and

by Grace become better

and become a father and a husband

its possible ... .

Stay with us, read, post, stay part of this family ... .

[OnceConfused]

why do you have to move out with the child? BUT NOT HIM?

[Not normal]

I will try to suggest therapy. Right now we have not spoken and the general consensus is that he's choosing out .

He wants to hear if I will beg for him to stay ... something which I'm not doing.

He kicked us out as he's not from my home country and his work pays for the condo. He also uses it as a perk to be with him.

Regardless of that , it's our matrimonial home for 4 years. I don't deserve to be treated like that. Even landlords don't evict good tenants with the 1 day notice that I had.

[Dutched]

I totally agree with OC. Let HIM leave.

A little background. As from a certain point, exW became more destructive, first up to the point she threatened to have me removed by “legal force”.

Later she threatened to end the r/s. That blew me of guard!

Of course this is devastating, all kind of thoughts of pain and despair become overwhelming! Not only for myself, but how about the kids!

The second time she ended the r/s in an outburst, I replied very calm and briefly: “ok, you want to stop? See to it that you do all possible to leave asap, YOU STOP, YOU LEAVE!”, and walked out of the room.

Anyway, I sticked to it.  “You stop, you leave!”. The last time, she indeed left “temporarily”.

I understand your position, imagine your feelings to hold all together (tried it even for more than 1 yr after she was gone and filed for divorce!), but think about YOUR wellbeing, KIDS wellbeing! And oh yes, she was the woman I wanted to grow old with, no doubt!

About therapy? Well, have done it (Gestalt-therapy), “helps” up to the point a T confronts them with there inner feelings ( example what was it that made you fell in love with your partner, appreciate in your partner), than ex became numb an session had to be stopped.

Most effective for me (and for the whole family) was to learn and apply techniques as described on this Board.

So, prepare yourself, hold tight on what is yours, make a (financial) plan (never let him control YOUR money, access codes, etc), stick to it and have family as back up.

HE STOPS, HE LEAVES…   

[Not normal]

Thanks Dutch... a nice response and thank you for your input.

I can't let him leave as I left.

He loves controlling my money and even checked my phone gallery... I'm not sure that I have anything left for him.

I recall unhappy birthdays and festivities ever since I met him.

Akward holidays or no holidays as I dun look forward to be with him.

Constant screaming in front for his kids and our kid. He claims that it's healthy to let a child know that life isn't rosy and parents should fight .

Not being able to go out as he will call and check to make sure I return home.

[Not normal]

Just met him at the old house.

He expected me to beg him to love me again and I didn't give him the pleasure.

I tried to speak calming n said he had 2 choices.  Intense therapy or we just call it quits. As expected he didn't answer me and went to the past to show me how bad I was...

So I packed and left quietly.

It's amazing how he left the house the way that it was. Untouched.

All photos scattered on the dining table.

And how evil this disease is to some.

For years I look at him as a patient.

Tonight he refused all acknowledgement that he needs some therapy or help.