Back in Black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Moved out because ex BPD girlfriend of almost 6 six years had an affair. I knew she had issues, but I didn't know she had BPD. I had threatened abandonment prior to her cheating to stop her from verbally abusing me. I didn't realize that this was the worst thing I could have done. Also, we hadn't been intimate in 18 months because I had been put in the black. So I left without confrontation and left a nice note saying I would miss her. Maintained no contact and refused to talk to her when she approached me weeks later. Finally, I allowed contact so I could visit her dogs who I had taken care. Finally, she went on travel and I watched them for 3 days. Upon her return, she took me out to dinner and bought me a gift certificate. Things were going well, but nothing had been discussed about reattaching. I was ok with the recycling attempt. But on Friday, she texted me and informed me that I had sent an email to her sister's friend on an internet dating site. I wasn't sure if it was her sister's friend or not, so I sent an innocuous email like "How's it going? ;-) ". My ex gf was embarrassed, even though she claimed she wasn't. She told me that she wasn't going to defend what I did. She told me that I "wasn't her problem anymore". She questioned my class and said it was creepy. What? Don't even go there. I wasn't the one who had an affair. Give me a break. But now I am in the black again. I followed through by taking her dogs to the park yesterday. But now I have to go back to no contact since I have been put back in the black. This sucks. I am so disappointed. But it reminds me that I am dealing with someone who is emotionally underdeveloped. Any thought from anyone on this?

[WisdomSeeker]

Moved out because ex BPD girlfriend of almost 6 six years had an affair. I knew she had issues, but I didn't know she had BPD. I had threatened abandonment prior to her cheating to stop her from verbally abusing me. I didn't realize that this was the worst thing I could have done. Also, we hadn't been intimate in 18 months because I had been put in the black. So I left without confrontation and left a nice note saying I would miss her. Maintained no contact and refused to talk to her when she approached me weeks later. Finally, I allowed contact so I could visit her dogs who I had taken care. Finally, she went on travel and I watched them for 3 days. Upon her return, she took me out to dinner and bought me a gift certificate. Things were going well, but nothing had been discussed about reattaching. I was ok with the recycling attempt. But on Friday, she texted me and informed me that I had sent an email to her sister's friend on an internet dating site. I wasn't sure if it was her sister's friend or not, so I sent an innocuous email like "How's it going? ;-) ". My ex gf was embarrassed, even though she claimed she wasn't. She told me that she wasn't going to defend what I did. She told me that I "wasn't her problem anymore". She questioned my class and said it was creepy. What? Don't even go there. I wasn't the one who had an affair. Give me a break. But now I am in the black again. I followed through by taking her dogs to the park yesterday. But now I have to go back to no contact since I have been put back in the black. This sucks. I am so disappointed. But it reminds me that I am dealing with someone who is emotionally underdeveloped. Any thought from anyone on this?

[Narellan]

You're a single guy and you are free to say " how's it going?" to anyone you choose. Don't buy into it. Go NC again. This is the reason why staying friends with our exBPD's doesn't work. She has no issue doing as she chooses but is disgruntled you appear to be moving on. It's a reaction due to her abandonment fears. She fears she may have lost you.

It won't matter what you do, at any time you could be painted black for no reason.

Just go about your own business, and live your life. Give the dog walking a rest for the time being. Peace x

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Before I learned about BPD I also would tell my uBPDw that I can't take this crap forever and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't trust me... .

I haven't said it for a year and she still brings it up weekly.

I agree, go NC & check out the recovery board.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you for your response Narellan. Good point. Me being on a dating site is threatening to her abandonment fear. The double standard is ridiculous. She had an affair and I merely said hi to someone. There is no comparison in my book. Yet I am a creep and have no class.

I was being receptive to her recycling attempt. Thus my being on a dating website shows mixed signals on my part. Therefore, I could see why this would upset her. I will do no contact because I know that contacting her won't get her back as I want to be recycled. I want my family back. I had gotten so far and was so close. In fact her roommate is moving out and she was involving me in this discussion suggesting interest in me moving back. Now she will find a new roommate, which makes is harder for me to move back. This sucks.

[Narellan]

NC is the only way. When I started NC I wanted to be recycled too. Then he replaced me with my best friend and everything crumbled. This was a deal breaker for me. I ended my friendship with both of them. It was devastating to lose them both. It still is after 3 months. I still wake up crying. But I can't be in a relationship where he is going behind my back and lying and cheating. It just would have been a world of ongoing pain. And if it wasn't with my friend it just would have been someone else he sucked in.

What would that have said about me that I'm willing to put up with that life?

Sure I believe he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He can't sustain it and I had lost myself in the process of trying to give him everything I had.

I'm left now with a profound sadness. He has damaged me beyond belief in such a short time.

Think about why you want this lying, cheating girl in your life. Can I encourage you to read the resources on here and read some stories on L5 board. Peace  

[WisdomSeeker]

Question: If I want her back, should I maintain NC and wait for her to contact me? Or should I attempt to have a discussion with her? She had taken me to dinner to thank me for taking care of her dogs. She told me that it was great seeing me. But, since then, my sending an email to her sister's friend (I didn't know if it was her sister's friend or not at the time) on an internet site has put me back in black I believe. Any thoughts?

[Narellan]

In my experience when I reached out and initiated contact, he pulled back further. When I looked like I was moving on he came back running. I text him twice one day and he got angry and said I was smothering him. He sometimes called me 3 times a day  for long chats and would message me all day via FB.

Not this last time tho. He's trying hard to get my attention but I'm done with it, so I'm staying NC. If you want her back stay out of sight. Even on fb. That's my opinion.

[WisdomSeeker]

The reason I feeling pressed to initiate contact is that I am losing my job in a few months. I really could use her support. I was taking care of her and her dogs and neglecting myself. I have got my self in bad financial status and it will get worse when my income dries up. She is a high functioning BPD. I am trying to manage my financial issues, but I am overwhelmed with so many problems. I am seeing a therapist naturally. Also, her commuter roommate is moving out in the middle of June and she was engaging me in a lot of the specifics on this topic suggesting she wanted me to move back. But this internet dating issue killed all my momentum. Everything I have done for 4 months including moving out was to regain her respect and show respect my self, it was very hard to see the lying and her coming home with bedhead at 4 am. I really believe in reinforcing good behavior and showing consequences of bad behavior. I had no option except to move out.

Thank you for confirming no contact. When she first initiated contact I didn't respond and she finally tricked me by calling on a google number. But my refusing to respond to text and emails had her panicked and trying hard to initiate contact on any excuse. But now after finally giving in a little and going to dinner with her, she probably feels better than she can fall back on me if she had too. Also, she obviously cares too much what her sister thinks. Even though I don't believe I really did anything wrong. I am single and her sister's friend is single. I didn't know if it was her or not. I only said "how's it going?;-)" If I were to contact her my ex BPD, I would be giving up any remaining power that I have left. I can't chase her or I will be outcast forever. However, she said I can watch the dogs anytime I want.

I don't use facebook and I don't want to look at it because it might hurt me. But I run a meetup group that she is aware of. Should I post pictures of myself with other women on my group site to get her jealous, or will this backfire on me?

Should I not respond to her next text or email, if and when they happen? My birthday is in the middle of next month. I am sure she will contact me.

Please, anyone, provide feedback.

[Narellan]

You have to answer these questions for yourself.

But you asked for feedback, so here goes... .

If you think things are bad in your life now, they will get immeasurably worse if you seek her out for support. She will run big time. And if she doesn't at first, and lets you move in... . It's only a matter of time before she runs. BPD people can't deal with stress. That seems to be all you're offering her ATM. You need to shift focus to yourself and get your life back on track. Leaving her out of it. Start looking for another job, get a flat mate to help with rent, exercise, stay healthy. Make yourself someone she would want to be with. Worst case scenario, you improve yourself and your life regardless of whether she comes back or not.

Do not play games. Do not try to evoke jealousy. It's childish and brings you down to her level. Do not respond to any attempt from her to engage you. At this point she wants to know you're still hanging there if she wants you.

Do not think she can provide a solution for the problems in your life. She can only provide more problems at this point.

That's my .2c in a nutshell

Peace and hugs 

[WisdomSeeker]

Narellan, thank you for responding. I am working on myself.  I supported her in many ways and neglected myself. My focus has to be myself. But she was my best friend, which doesn't say much for my situation. Now I am dealing with bankruptcy, an accident, being sued, losing a cheating girlfriend, and losing a job all in one year. If she cares about me, she can help me rebuild. But, I guess, her cheating only shows she cares about herself.

[WisdomSeeker]

I am working out at the gym. I have roommates. But even a room rent is very expensive in Silicon Valley. I was paying a lions share when living with her. I paid for the utilities, rent, entertainment when living together.

[OutOfEgypt]

I've read this whole story here, and I have to second everything Narellan said.  When you talked about trying to pull away to see if that would get her back, I thought to myself, "WHY on earth would you want to do that?"  And then I read about you needing her support, and I thought to myself, "That is probably the LAST person I would want support from."  This is absolutely your life, so there is zero judgment from me or anybody on the choices you make.  We've all been there.  But yes, since this is a forum where you are seeking feedback, I have to agree with Narellan.  My ex would LOVE if I came to her for support.  She would salivate at the idea of me even talking about it.  And at first she would be wonderful, but I would become her little minion again.  And she would exploit it and kill me with it all over again.  Yeah, she's not your savior... . nobody can be save God alone.  It sucks what you are going through, but you are seriously playing with fire and only inviting more suffering and MORE loss of identity and self-neglect by emotionally engaging with her again.  If she's BPD, she's pathological.  She'll keep doing the same thing to you.  And that relationship will still be just as toxic, and you will lose yourself again.  Sorry, man.  People warned me years ago, but I didn't listen -I couldn't.

[WisdomSeeker]

Out of Egypt, you are right. She is the last person I should seek support from. But she is all I HAD.

[OutOfEgypt]

I understand totally.  Maybe a good motivation to find new support?