How to stay strong in and not take her back.

[I Am]

I posted this on the beginner site and am now posting here.  I am in need of any and all advice.  I just found this site.  I made a horrible mistake and married someone with mean streak and BPD.  Married in December 2013 and filed for divorce in January 2014.  Her psychiatrist told me it was just anxiety.  He lied.  She takes pleasure in causing me and my children pain.  Nothing is beyond her.  But she comes back broken and crying begging for help, threatening suicide or abusing drugs... .  She mentioned being in DBT before but i didn't know what it was then.

I evicted her in January but keep letting her back in.

I ended it again yesterday or the day before.  

She is very attractive and wealthy so she can get what she wants whenever she wants it and has manipulated many in our circle.  I have lost more people i thought were friends .  My friends are sick of me for letting her back.

My two kids are 8 & 13 from a 15 year marriage to their mother.  I share custody week on week off and had to take them to their moms and just leave them indefinitely because of her behavior.  She refused to leave telling me i had no idea what she was capable of and that she was not going to make it easy to divorce her.

She has repeatedly tried to provoke me.  I have never hit a woman and never will but i have called the police three times already on her. Ok i am rambling and am sure you all have similar stories.  In short,

It has driven me to despair.

I am just a few days from telling her never to contact me again.  It usually takes about a week... . in the mean time she will be attempting to sleep with my friends etc... .

thanks

ross

[corraline]

Im sorry you are having such a difficult time with your ex. Your whole family is being effected.  :'(  I know this one because my situation was not healthy for my children either.  I was just such a mess.

I am sending this link in hopes that it will provide you with some tools to help you.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Please try and take good care and don't worry, you are not rambling at all.  The people on this board are so helpful and supportive and always willing to listen.

corraline

[I Am]

Thanks very much.  That article was helpful.  I have already announced its over but i can see how the transition as described would have been a much better move. 

[AwakenedOne]

 



She takes pleasure in causing me and my children pain.  Nothing is beyond her.  

She refused to leave telling me i had no idea what she was capable of and that she was not going to make it easy to divorce her

She has repeatedly tried to provoke me.

Ross,

I married a woman who is similar to this. My wife attacked me in my sleep for starters... .

You asked how to stay strong and not take her back?--> remember those words of yours in bold print. Remember them 24/7.

Protect your kids. Before she has you arrested for some lie or somebody gets hurt please do the right thing.

God Bless & Good Luck,

AO

[WalrusGumboot]

You have shared custody so I am not sure how you can go completely NC with her until the kids are grown.

It sounds like you take her back in because you are afraid of what she might do if you don't? There is nothing in your relationship that sounds healthy, and you are doing serious disservice to yourself by participating in this dance with her.

I'm not sure if you are documenting her threats and dysfunctional behavior, but if not, this might be a good time to start. Record conversation with her. You need ammunition. Some day it might come in handy.

During my separation before the divorce was final, my exBPDw admitted to a one night stand with some stranger she met at a bar. I was going to find out anyway because she was still on my medical insurance and had to undergo some gynecological tests that would have revealed the truth about it anyway on the claim forms. This was a person who masked herself as a squeaky clean Christian and she was in panic mode that I might tell the kids or her friends. She came up with this story about being slipped a date rape drug, never mind the fact she was in a bar alone.   I decided to keep her dirty secret a secret, but it because my ace in the hole and used it to my advantage as the divorce settlement concluded.

Good luck!

[AwakenedOne]

You have shared custody so I am not sure how you can go completely NC with her until the kids are grown.

My two kids are 8 & 13 from a 15 year marriage to their mother.

WalrusG,

His kids are from a previous marriage, they are not her kids.

[I Am]

Thanks a bunch for the replies.    I can't believe I forgot RFD fear if her lying abc having me jailed.  I will remember that

[ForeverDad]

• 1.  Keep your distance.  Period.



• 2.  Don't be intimate with her ever again - you can't trust her to practice birth control.  Many have used children as a way to keep the other under control.



• 3.  Keep all contact limited and focused on unwinding the marriage.



• 4.  If you live on her property/lease, get out.



• 5.  If you live on your property/lease, keep her out, even if all she begs for is to use the bathroom.



• 6.  Divorce or annulment may take a while since she clearly will obstruct it, even for a one month marriage.  However, it should all just be the financial aspects which can be done without getting back together.



• 7.  If you have to meet, do it in public places, bring a friend who can keep you on track.



• 8.  Sorry, you cannot be Mr Nice Guy in this precarious situation.



• 9.  Remember #2.  You have been Warned!

Once you've set your boundaries and kept them for a while, then you should be able to trust yourself to have the children with you.

Oh, this may help you to keep your resolve.  If your children are with their mother for a long time, she might feel a need to file to make it permanent.   So get your life put back together quickly to minimize that risk!

[ForeverDad]

See the article Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser on the Articles tab at drjoecarver.com

[catnap]

Hi Ross,

Never speak to her AGAIN without a third party present. If legal in your location secretly record the conversation.  Some states do have one party recording laws.  Change all of your locks and passwords, if you have not already.  Tell your attorney that you are ready to follow through with the divorce ASAP.

Find a therapist for yourself that has knowledge of BPD to help you sort through things.  Start seeing your children on  a regular basis--be ready for their questions.    Focus on your children and re-building that relationship. 

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy is a good resource.