Bringing my family into it-how to deal?

[Furuma3]

Wow, it's been over a year since my last post. My BPDw and I have been through a reckoning of sorts in that time, which resulting in me filing for divorce, but not serving the papers. Like everyone here I do love my wife of 16 years, mother to our 3 sons, and the papers were cancelled in the end,

After monthly emotional (and physical) attacks over the past several months. I have been less engaged than before and more able to set boundaries and without enablers, she is able to function well enough.

What gets me is she is now attempting to alienate me and our kids from my parents and sister. The reasons being:

- during our most difficult times, I turned to my sister for support and let her know some of the sordid details of BPDw's actions. Sis recommended counseling (which BPDw can "never forgive her for" and called her on some of her BS.

- parents sent me money for my lawyer's retainer (without "trying to talk some sense into me" and when BPDw called them to tell them how "disappointed" she was with them, it ended with her raging at my mom and Mom telling her, "You have way too much anger, you need counseling." This naturally set BPDw into a nuclear rage!

- of course, I have committed the cardinal sin of "putting family before wife" and I should set them straight, because wife should always come first. The problem is, sometimes wife is a witch with a capital "B"!

So, wife has issued the following statement- she will never meet, talk to, or have anything to do with my family, and I should not speak of them in her presence. Thing is, my almost octogenarian parents are moving to our town to be closer to both me and the grandkids, and for healthcare issues.

My basic answer to her was, "That's completely your choice, but the kids and I will always have a relationship with my family." She said she realizes that, but she doesn't want my parents living too near to us, as they will interfere again and break us up. She also mentioned the if my sister, steps foot in our town, she will lay into her.

So, this is of course wrong on so many levels, but how would the rest of you deal with this? Or would you?

Love to hear your $.02!

[aeron]

Sorry to hear that your wife doesn't want to be part of your larger family. I am new here, so my $.02 comes from less experience. Nonetheless, I am in a similar boat. My pwuBPD and I have been together for 12+ years – eloped and married since last year. At the beginning of our relationship, he made me choose between my family or him. I foolishly chose him. However, I eventually patched things up with my mom/dad/siblings. For many years later, he got along fine with my parents. Then, suddenly after marrying, he decided again "not to have a relationship" with my parents.

After probing, I found out that he is angry about my parents not doing back flips over our marriage. Keep in mind that they have welcomed him into the family, regularly say "we love you" and give him a hug (father included) every time they visit us. On Christmas this year, he even decided that we shouldn't send gifts to my family. Even though he didn't mention it, my family also has called him on his BS, too. Unforgivable, right?

My reaction as of late has been to set a very firm boundary. I told him point-blank one time, "I won't be in a relationship with someone that disrespects my family." Yes, I should have been calmer and sympathetic towards his perceived needs. However, it seems that asserting myself led to him not trying to alienate me so much from my family. So, if you're staying, then it sounds like you did the right thing by setting a boundary with the family issue. And you did a much better job than me! Nevertheless, it has been my experience that the issue, sadly, never goes away. My partner now has resorted to saying mean, derogatory and racist things about my family behind their back.

Sometimes I feel as if people with BPD try and test the waters to see how much they can gain control of significant others. I think of those Discovery Channel programs in which a shark lightly bites the prey in order to "taste" them, i.e. gain information on its body composition and see how much of a fight the poor surfer or sea lion will put up.

[aeron]

She said she realizes that, but she doesn't want my parents living too near to us, as they will interfere again and break us up. She also mentioned the if my sister, steps foot in our town, she will lay into her.

So, this is of course wrong on so many levels, but how would the rest of you deal with this? Or would you?

Love to hear your $.02!

My parents are in their 60s, but as they grow older, I will want to take care of them. They were excellent parents, mentors, friends and they loved me, cared for me, etc... . Unequivocally, my partner will say something like THAT. My advice is to acknowledge your wife's feelings and gently tell her it's inevitable. Give her a date/time that they will be moving close by. Also, explain that you will not deny your sister from visiting. If your wife successfully prevents this from happening, it will demonstrate that she has effectively alienated you. Afterwards, I am confident that she will no doubt begin to emotionally abuse you once again. In other words, this situation will intensify from being a mere shark "tasting" to a "meal" or "feast."