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Author Topic: Things you do to de-stress  (Read 1412 times)
Red Sky
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« on: June 03, 2014, 02:27:08 PM »

Blissful_camper's post the other day made me think of this. Must be lots of us here who have NC'd an ex and have a lot more time on our hands... . So what are you doing with it? Have you found something positive to do to keep you sane and busy? Have you used it to relax or has it seemed like a space you still have to fill?
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2014, 02:44:56 PM »

Hey there RedSky, that is a good question!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am currently in a relationship with my BPDgf now, but when we went through a period of NC, I did experience having more free time on my hands. During the first time we were together, I found that I had spent less time with certain friends and didn't indulge as much in certain interests and hobbies that I did before I met my BPDgf. Once I broke up with her, I made sure to rekindle the friendships that had dimmed. I got out and did more of the things that I had seemingly given up to be with her.

Many of the members here on the leaving board are sad and some may be depressed. It is tough to get the energy together to do things in that kind of mental state. However, it is important to invest in ourselves, to take care of ourselves. Everybody is different, how do you feel? Do you have time to do things that you wanted to do but didn't have time to do before?
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Red Sky
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« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2014, 03:01:37 PM »

I am very glad of the time actually. My job has been stressful lately and I've had more energy to devote to that, and more 'me time' which stops me getting stressed at work.

I always try to put positive things in my life because I think it's something we very often forget about and it can make such a difference. I exercise a lot, because it always feels like a pleasure regardless of my state of mind. It can cheer me up a lot, and seeing my fitness improve makes me feel like I've achieved something good for myself. I also like just getting a box set of a TV series and watching it by myself... . It's like a selfish pleasure and something waiting for me when I get home from a hard day. And I've spent a lot of time posting on here and examining myself and my past relationships.

I'd like to socialise more but I'm in a very temporary situation where it's hard to meet people. So I'm not going to stress about that for now.
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jibber
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« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2014, 05:17:34 PM »

Hello RedSky,

For me it's the same, exercise helps me the most, for the reasons you mentioned. I go climbing with my brother and exercise at home every 2nd day. No matter how i feel at the moment, afterwards i always feel better.

I think i'm somewhere inbetween of enjoying time for myself again and feeling lonely/trying to fill the "emptiness"... .

I try not to be too hard on myself and allow myself also to do nothing, spend hours reading, thinking, entertain myself with a movie or games... .

What also really helps me is cooking. I try to do it every day and try to cook good and healthy. I enjoy the actual cooking (always have), and like exercise, eating good helps a lot more than we think sometimes.
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corraline
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« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2014, 10:44:03 PM »

Hi redsky

occupying my spare time has been different as i go along in my healing.

I had to focus mostly on self care at first to get my nervous system on track as well as my work and my children. as i started too feel a little better, i started exericising at the gym,doing alot more reading, gardening,  starting some creative hobbies and activities and slowly more socializing. It was all baby steps.

I dropped a few close friends (spending quality time with them that is) and re kindled this with them. I didn't allow myself any time for them when i was with my ex for a few unfortunate reasons. i was worried that they would be resentful that i wanted to connect now that i am on my own but no, they are more than happy to hang out !

Im going trout fishing with my brother and my son this weekend, i am pretty stoked about that !

Being on this board has been very helpful and a healthy way to occupy my time.

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Red Sky
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« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2014, 01:01:46 AM »

What also really helps me is cooking. I try to do it every day and try to cook good and healthy. I enjoy the actual cooking (always have), and like exercise, eating good helps a lot more than we think sometimes.

The enjoyment that can be gotten from stuff like eating is strangely dear to me... . I kind of feel that being able to appreciate the really basic things in life is important. The odd bit of sunshine I get walking between buildings at work. A cup of tea and a sit down when I've been running around all day. I've spent years being depressed by relationships and the one thing I learned was to grab every tiny bit of happiness.

I've also found a surprising lack of resentment in friends before. It's funny how often you think you have no-one and then someone comes popping out of the woodwork. At my lowest point ever, a couple of girls I hadn't seen properly in months appeared with a couple of bottles of wine and a large cake and basically let me tell them everything. To this day I'm not quite sure what I'd have done without them.
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corraline
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« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2014, 01:05:36 AM »

Redsky

the one thing I learned was to grab every tiny bit of happiness.

thanks

  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Red Sky
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« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2014, 01:30:03 AM »

^ It took me so long to change my mindset to this. To stop letting my problems blind me to the fact that there are things to take pleasure in. Now it feels a little bit like a buffer from problems. Even with my latest relationship crisis, I've panicked, but I've not been totally brought down by it the way I would have a few years ago.

I wish I could have been that person all along. I wish I hadn't wasted my time at university by being permanently on the edge of a nervous breakdown. But as a kid I took so much for granted... . Would I be someone different now?

Total digression from topic, but just occurring to me actually how much my messed-up life has made me proactive about making myself happy and it makes me feel... . More okay. Less like I wasted those years.
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2014, 02:05:05 PM »

The enjoyment that can be gotten from stuff like eating is strangely dear to me... . I kind of feel that being able to appreciate the really basic things in life is important. The odd bit of sunshine I get walking between buildings at work. A cup of tea and a sit down when I've been running around all day. I've spent years being depressed by relationships and the one thing I learned was to grab every tiny bit of happiness.

That is totally awesome, RedSky!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Some people would call this "mindfulness" which can be an important part of enjoying our lives more. I think if we kept a journal every day, tracking the things we considered "disasters" that felt like the end of our lives as well as the things that brought smiles to our faces, then in twenty years time when we re-read these journals, we might laugh at how inconsequential the disasters seem in hindsight whereas we'd have fond memories of the things that put a smile on our faces... .
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jibber
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« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2014, 06:31:32 PM »

Went climbing again with my brother today in an indoor park. The exercise helps of course, but what i find especially positive in climbing is pushing yourself to your limits. When you're up there in the wall 10 meters off the ground, you feel your strenght fading, you feel fear (it's the 2nd time in my life i did climbing), almost not able to go the last steps, your arms feel like jelly, you're gonna fall into the rope... . And then you push yourself one last time and reach the top of the wall with your last bit of energy!

I find pushing my own limits, doing things that scare me and overcome them, really helps me to feel more positive. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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gary seven
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« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2014, 08:28:15 PM »

Redsky thanks for opening a window.

I have been taking very small baby steps, but I am enjoying them.  I really like gardening, and I saw there is a neighbor who is having a yard sale with a lot of gardening stuff.

Four  years ago we left this town to start a new life in another state.  We had a great house, and I sold off all my gardening equipment.  Even some very dear topiary forms I had adored.  Put the house up for sale, lost 25% of what I paid and put 85% of the stuff in storage to hold until things calmed down. WE moved from 5200 sq ft to an 1100sq ft 3 bedroom 2 bath apt, with young kids.

You can guess how that worked out.  Two years at the new job and she gets us thrown out of the kids school and the town.  With young kids.  It was awful.   I had 6 weeks to find a house a job and a school. 

So we wind up back to the home state.  I managed to store one topiary.  It has taken 2 years but I have a delightful climbing hydrangea filling it up.

This year the kids and I reclaimed an abandoned garden and planted tomatoes.

But I miss my hedge trimmers and weed eater... . so I think I am going to take a chance and see what the neighbor has.  My house is so overgrown that a good trimming would make me feel good... . a bit of light, a bit of strength as I maneuver thru this devastating part of my life. 

I think of your note like a window has opened and some beautiful rays of light are shining in.  Thanks for brightening up my day.
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Red Sky
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« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2014, 11:56:04 PM »

Gary - it sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time and I hope you're healing now. Gardening with your kids sounds like an amazing idea - the kind of thing that they'll look back on fondly when they're older. Also no form of catharsis is better than destroying oversized weeds Smiling (click to insert in post)

Jibber - I agree that it's awesome to try new stuff and push yourself. I really felt this after my ultimate low with the ex I left over a year ago. I set myself a resolution of trying new things, because he was so stuck in the mud (or rather on the couch doing nothing all the time) that it made me want to try everything I can. Climbing is now added on my list of things I want to try!

LC, I love the journal idea. I kind of do this... . I keep a box full of tickets and souvenirs and random stuff that makes me smile, and once a month I make a photo collage to remind me what I did that month. I never knew that there was a name for this kind of thing but I can't agree with you more.
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