Rasuurance

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf I believe is trying to manipulate me by telling me he won't attend a family event, saying cuz I'm never home. I get home from work everyday around 3:30 and many days I go home at lunch too. 2 days a week my daughter has a sporting event and I'm gone most 2hrs, but home after and recently was asked to participate in my cousins wed. So been gone about 3hrs. 1 evening a week, for 4 weeks then done.  My uBPDbf gets home sometime after 5pm, works out, showers, watches TV. 

Last evening I invited him to join me at my D8 sport event, he said "no", when I got home he was watching tv, then we went to bed.  This morning I said "goodbye, have a good day, love you.", but then asked "what is the matter?" I've been nice & friendly" (claimed I was not being nice b4), his response "You're never home... " I said I asked you to join me last night, he responded "always on your terms... . I'm not going anywhere... . the past month, 6 months it's what you want."  That's a total exaggeration. When we go out we do what he want and when, I just do things for my child during week, very rarely on weekend.

I don't go out and party or drink, I don't play around, I don't do dinners or ladies night out.  I think he is being very childish, like crossing his arms and stomping his feet. I find him choosing not to go to my family event this weekend very hurtful and rude.

But, I refuse to give in. I'm not doing wrong or anything most people do.

Thoughts?

[OutOfEgypt]

Stick to what you think and feel.  Sounds like you do a lot.  Ironic that he said, "always on your terms."  That is likely projection.  Is it perhaps the other way around?  What does your gut and immediate perception tell you?  My ex would only be available on her terms.  I tried to make plans for dates, and I would always end up cancelling because she changed her mind.  But when she wanted to do something (what she wanted of course), I would jump at it because it was the only chance I had (the kids too).  We only really ever did things together if its what she wanted... . EVER.

[FigureIt]

Stick to what you think and feel.  Sounds like you do a lot.  Ironic that he said, "always on your terms."  That is likely projection.  Is it perhaps the other way around?  What does your gut and immediate perception tell you?  My ex would only be available on her terms.  I tried to make plans for dates, and I would always end up cancelling because she changed her mind.  But when she wanted to do something (what she wanted of course), I would jump at it because it was the only chance I had (the kids too).  We only really ever did things together if its what she wanted... . EVER.

I need to wrk on getting past the hurt.    My gut tells me he is wrong and childish and I deserve better. I wish so much I had the CASH that I could leave now.

It is the other way around... . he wants me at home because he is there, and he chooses not to join me at my d8's game. I never tell him not to come. (Ex of doing his... fri we went out cuz he wanted to, sat & sun we sat at home did nothing but watch tv, I asked him to join me by the pool, go for a walk, he said "no"

[OutOfEgypt]

Oh yeah... . getting past the hurt is hard.  I'm divorced and STILL getting past it!  You gotta walk through it, no matter what you do.  Avoiding it means avoiding the truth you know and feel inside, and it just keeps you confused and stuck.

[FigureIt]

Oh yeah... . getting past the hurt is hard.  I'm divorced and STILL getting past it!  You gotta walk through it, no matter what you do.  Avoiding it means avoiding the truth you know and feel inside, and it just keeps you confused and stuck.

I know and agree! Thank you, sometimes I need to be told I'm right!

My parents, co-workers/friends are totally supportive,. My parents even told me if they had the money, they would buy a house I and I could live there.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yeah, I hear you.  While there are always some who don't, most people who are close enough see it and have been secretly (or vocally) wanting you free for a long time.  I found that.  I knew my parents did, but when I finally broke away for good, I found out that so many people I had left over the years (in order to not piss off my uBPDexw) silently supported me and prayed for me and hoped I would finally get out.  People can see it.

It's funny because I never said a word about it to any of the parents in my youngest's class.  But I found out that all of the mom's think my ex is "crazy."  Sorta funny, but sad too.  Sad for my kids, even sad for her.  Validating to me, since they can see something is "off" there without a word of complaint from me, but still sad.

[FigureIt]

I've been strong for 2 days... . He told me he wouldn't be home last night cuz I'm not there for him. At 5:15pm he came home, which I didn't expect, I said hello & kissed his cheek as per his usual he worked out, showered then watched tv, dozed off, then at 10:15 just got up & went to bed. No conversation or interaction. I had more conversation with my dogs.

I had eaten dinner I picked up for myself b4 he got home & I didn't make anything cuz I didn't think he'd be home.

I didn't ask anything about what he was doing Friday or Saturday. I am so very proud of myself. But it is hard because in my mind you are suppose to have normal conversation and plan together.  And I am okay with him not going to the wedding Saturday!

Maybe he'll find another or go back to an old flame and I'll be off the hook... . one can only hope!

[OutOfEgypt]

If you are consistent about boundaries and thinking and feeling for yourself, emotionally distancing from the mess, and getting away from bad situations when they arise, he may.  Or he may wake up and realize he needs help.

It's time you write the rules... . for yourself and the relationship (regardless of what you decide about staying or leaving).  If he is like my BPDexw, they insist on writing the rules for the relationship and the family, even if they aren't doing it explicitly.  Everything must revolve around their wants and desires.  Time for you to move ahead with your own!  Stick to it.  

It is extremely hard to do when you are still in the relationship -at least in my situation it was.  It was too hard, and I knew it was going nowhere, so I said "NO MORE".  Like trying to get unstuck from being bathed in a vat of rubber cement.  Of course, she helped me in that direction by her regular lying and infidelity.