Question about black splitting...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Based on much of what I've read about BPD so far, my gut tells me that my friend-turned-romantic-turned-ex is now black splitting me (I believe she is uBPD). The reason I'm not entirely sure is because it was not instigated by anything dramatic and no anger was exhibited on her end. She has simply stopped responding to me. I've confronted her on the fact that she's cutting me out of her life entirely and she denies that this is what she's doing, and said she still considers us close. Even our close mutual friend said she feels like she really "___ed things up" with me. Don't most pwBPD like to make it known that they are angry or resentful of the person they're splitting?

Of course, I'm basing my theory of BPD on several other behaviors of hers that do seem to align with what I've read (persistent feeling of emptiness; abrupt ending of other friendships besides me; fear of abandonment and engulfment). But to her credit, she's never exhibited rage or even mild resentfulness towards me. She just ignores.

[D82]

Based on much of what I've read about BPD so far, my gut tells me that my friend-turned-romantic-turned-ex is now black splitting me (I believe she is uBPD). The reason I'm not entirely sure is because it was not instigated by anything dramatic and no anger was exhibited on her end. She has simply stopped responding to me. I've confronted her on the fact that she's cutting me out of her life entirely and she denies that this is what she's doing, and said she still considers us close. Even our close mutual friend said she feels like she really "___ed things up" with me. Don't most pwBPD like to make it known that they are angry or resentful of the person they're splitting?

Of course, I'm basing my theory of BPD on several other behaviors of hers that do seem to align with what I've read (persistent feeling of emptiness; abrupt ending of other friendships besides me; fear of abandonment and engulfment). But to her credit, she's never exhibited rage or even mild resentfulness towards me. She just ignores.

[Xstaticaddict]

Might be useful to talk with her about relationship values and what being close means to her. If you can get the conversation going you may just find that your ideas of what a kind of relationship feeds you is different. How old is she?

[D82]

Thanks so much for your reply. The woman in question is 32. Are you suggesting this may not be a case of BPD and may in fact just be personal differences regarding friendship values? There's no doubt that that's possible.

However, having explained some basic objective facts to my therapist about her, he strongly believes she is struggling with undiagnosed BPD. I've seen her exhibit splitting regarding others in her life. Other people have been confused and hurt by her pushing them away and she herself has admitted to this pattern. I would love to bring the possibility of BPD up to her because one of the last times we sat down together, she told me she is worried about herself and thinks she may be bipolar depressive. To me, this is at least a positive sign that she is searching for an answer. But I want to make sure that if I broach the subject with her, I do it in the most sensitive way possible. Right now, that is even more difficult because she has been ignoring me. Any thoughts?

[Leap]

Everybody is different.  :)epends on her.  There doesn't have to be a major reason (or sometimes it seems any reason) for a person with BPD to change attitudes or perceptions about someone.  If she feels like she messed things up it may be her way of dealing with it and many times a person with BPD doesn't stop to think how there actions effect those around them (impulsivity) until after the fact and then they may regret what they have done  (or maybe not again, it has been my experience that it depends on the person).  It also seems the closer you are to the person with BPD the worse this becomes, like the song says "you always hurt the ones you love".  But remember if she is BPD she is mentally ill so trying to understand her way of thinking or motivations is extreme mealy difficult if you don't suffer from the illness.  It's like trying to understand an alcoholic or addict and you are not.  It's almost impossible unless you are one too.  My advice would be to see if she will talk (which may not be possible at this particular time if she is BPD).  As far as rage my dBPDw doesn't exhibit a lot of violent rage, anger and resentment yes, but not rage (at least towards me).  Again, it depends on the person.

[goldylamont]

Don't most pwBPD like to make it known that they are angry or resentful of the person they're splitting?

... . But to her credit, she's never exhibited rage or even mild resentfulness towards me. She just ignores.

whoa there, what you're dealing with is passive aggressiveness. actually a LOT of other people here will tell you how the most painful part of dealing with their SO's wasn't outright rages, but passive aggressive subtle abuse. my guess is that your ex feels slighted by you in some way which isn't completely base in reality, and now she's punishing you for it.

i don't recommend at all telling her about BPD unless you are ready to cut all ties with her. what will not happen is her hearing from you that she is mentally disordered, her taking you seriously and seeking help and then you two becoming closer as she recovers. even if your words do have a positive affect on her overall i doubt you'd get any credit or loyalty from it.

honestly if you're dealing with a passive aggressive punisher (perhaps a BPD waif?) and you truly want to keep in contact with her, you have to be willing to reflect her ability to cut ties and move on. go on with your life. stop contacting her or worrying about her and find happiness on your own. once she senses that you are fulfilled without her, and/or she needs you in some way then she'll contact you. but if you press this issue with her you'll push her away more and she'll know that she has your attention any time she pleases anyway so this gives her the comfort of keeping you on the back burner for a rainy day while she actively seeks new attachment supply.

[Xstaticaddict]

Well she's already talked to you about her concerns about bipolar, maybe she is BPD but the fact that she suspects something and has talked to you about it is interesting. If she's ignoring you in general she may ignore any suggestions or help like giving her info on how to get that diagnosis. Has she ever expressed openness to therapy? You seem to be familiar with the process and have access to someone who could make that diagnosis. The fact that she's still speaking to you at all is something more than a lot of people who have been split black seem to get. Sounds like you could have a friend to friend talk about the possibility of her getting checked out. Like Goldy says though as long as you're ready for the possible fallout if she is BPD of getting the full treatment of Black.

If it were me I'd broach the subject as a friend willing to help move further towards her understanding where she's at, and if she's not into it then what did you really lose. You can walk away knowing you offered, and that's all you can do.

The rest is you figuring out whether you have a compulsion to fix/help her, which is another issue altogether.

Doesn't sound like you're really feeling like you're together anymore though, so what is it you're hoping will happen with her?

[D82]

Xstatic, you're absolutely right. I admit a compulsion to help her, likely based on residual guilt issues from cutting my mentally ill father out of my life and having no contact with him for the last 7 years. Interestingly enough, one of the first things my ex-friend said to me when she found this out about me was, matter-of-factly, "Oh, so you abandoned your father." Makes quite a bit of sense in retrospect.

Unfortunately, the conclusion I've come to is that at the moment there really is nothing I can do for her. When she told me she was worried about herself and believed she may be bipolar, that was 2 months ago when we were on mildly better terms. Since then, she's been barely responsive, despite living in my building (yes, I know). She's made it quite clear through her behavior that she wants nothing to do with me, and I truly haven't been pushy about it because I want her to know that in spite of being extremely hurt, I will respect the distance and not stalk her or anything like that.

My only course of feasible action would be to raise this issue with the close mutual friend, but I'm worried he may think I'm going insane as the bitter ex, especially because he's known her far longer (since 3rd grade). He's admitted to me that his friendship with her has been quite challenging over the years and that she's always been profoundly unhappy in her sense of self, but I still worry that I might freak him out if I push this issue. Goldylamont, you're probably right. It's time to walk away, and if a more opportune circumstance presents itself in the future, I'll go for it then.

Thank you all so much for the honest responses.

[D82]

Sorry to keep adding to the initial question, but here's another wrench to throw in the black-splitting scenario: When I do rarely cross paths with her, she waves and says "hi" as if we're on perfectly friendly terms, despite having been unresponsive to text/email for over a month at a time. In other words, long stretches of silence in which she won't reply to a suggestion that we meet up, and then a smile and brief hello when I run into her. If she acknowledges my existence with a face of friendliness when she does see me, can this truly be black-splitting?

By the way, I can understand how if what I described above were my only indicator of BPD, you might tell me to get off this board and deal with what is likely a normal, standard break up. But as I said earlier, there arequite a handful of other indicators that led me here.