True colors

[FigureIt]

So even though my uBPDbf said he wouldn't attend the wedding with me, he did go with me. Okay I guess, when we left he asked how long we were staying. When we go out on his choice there is never an end time set.

Although I mentioned playing music for another family wedding in a month and he hit oossed off. Saying "who care about f'in him." I told him it wasn't about him & when I'm asked by my aunt to play I'm not going to say no.

[FigureIt]

I finally saw in black & white. By me doing something for myself (playing for a wedding), it's not about him. And that is what he wants... . my life & existence to be all about him.

As we drove home sat night he went on & on how we're different. And how I don't care, etc. At first I didn't say anything cuz I wasn't going to engage in an argument, and then I responded with different is okay and left it at that.  He chose to sleep on the couch, I was okay with that too.

As I detach more and more, I am finding my "triggers" that he has used in the past and I am not "biting".

I think that is probably the most depressing. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open up to this person I loved who said he "loved me" and he has taken those vulnerable pieces and used them against me.  But, I know & see all this now and just need to close down all that vulnerability.

[Gimme Peace]

I can so relate to this. It feels like when we open our hearts, we end up getting trampled on. Its never about us, only them. Almost every time.

[FigureIt]

As I non I try to rationalize the irrational... . It can't be done.

Fri. Night he went out, said nothing to me of where he was... . I texted him and got no response. When he got home he had been drinking and fell asleep... . I checked his phone and found that he had met out a passed fling who just got engaged, then texted an even older passed girlfriend from high school (20yrs ago), saying how this one who got engaged broke his heart and should he intervene to hold off her wedding.  When I read this... . before it would upset me, now I feel sad for him.  He has me, but it's not enough!

Reading his texts was all about him... .

In the past I would of confronted him because my ex-husband cheated on me so it is a vulnerability of mine.  But, he does it for attention. Now I just keep it journaled for me and remind myself why I will be moving on, makes detaching a bit easier.

[FigureIt]

Another true color moment... . "Saying things just to be mean!"

I have a summer headcold that started saturday and I think I used a whole box of tissues yesterday.  Today I started the Dr. Oz 48hr. cleanse to clean out my system and start eating healthier to loose about 15pounds.  At lunch I am making a spinach fruit drink and my uBPDbf says "I guess you're not sick anymore... . "  Me: "Yes, I am why?"  Him: "Because what you are doing is going to dehydrate you and that is not good."  Me: "It's a spinach drink and I had breakfast, plus I've been drinking water... . "

Hindsight:  Don't even know why I responded the 2nd time... .   I NEED to stop justifying.  There is no need, I know what I'm doing. 

Although again he just said stuff to be hurtful, heaven forbid he be supportive!

[OutOfEgypt]

Good lord.  Sounds so familiar.  Always a criticism or comment about everything.  They walk around looking for ways to make you feel thrown off and like you need to justify just being you -a person with your own wants, feelings, thoughts, and ways of doing things.  That's a big part of the game.