Focusing On BPD

[maternal]

Yo,

Just having some thoughts as of late... . (I'm not really reinventing any wheels over here)

Doesn't focusing on them and their disorder keep us attached to them and prevent us from focusing on ourselves like we should be?

I'm not saying that we shouldn't acknowledge any of the realities of our respective situations, nor am I saying that lives aren't / haven't been completely shattered by this disorder, but instead of focusing on their disorder, shouldn't we be more concerned with ourselves?  After all, this lack of general concern for ourselves is what got / kept most of us in these toxic relationships in the first place, isn't it?  The more that we focus on the disorder and what it did / does to us, the less we are focusing on us and the better able we all are to remain victims.  I know it's difficult, particularly if your ex is one who is constantly trying to pull you back in, but we all chose to stay.  We all chose the abuse.  We all chose to remain attached to the attachment.  And as difficult as it seems to be, we can choose not be so focused on our ex(s) or their disorder. 

It's a gradual process, of course, but we each have the power to take our power back from them and from this terrible disorder.  They really only have the power that we each have given them, and we can take all that power away if we choose to do so.

Forgetting is impossible, it's not about forgetting.  It's about allowing this disorder to have so much control over our lives even long after we've gotten away from it.  We do this to ourselves.  We create our own stories about what happened, what we want to happen, what we wish would or wouldn't happen and we react to each of these stories with our own powerless thoughts and feelings.  We fill up our own heads with ideas that cause some very strong emotional reactions.  We have to take our power back.  We have given it all to a person (or persons) suffering from a severe mental illness.  We are prone to assigning so much meaning to so many things that we really need to realize are actually quite meaningless.  I know that convincing our hearts of these things isn't easy, but I think that we each know in the back (and maybe even the front) of our minds that all of it truly is meaningless... . regardless of what happened to us and our lives.  We can never truly move forward by holding on to so much meaningless meaning.

I still miss my ex very much.  Though I know that he was a terrible boyfriend and that it was an exceedingly unhealthy relationship, I still miss him a lot.  I spend way too much time thinking about him and this disorder... . time that I need to be thinking about me and my goals and my aspirations.  I know how difficult it is to break that focus, believe me.  I also know that I HAVE to do it and focusing on BPD doesn't help me get there.  It's all on me to focus on myself, I can't expect anyone else to do that for me.  Even a therapist can only get any one of us so far, we have to do our own work to get our power back.  I took a self-improvement / self-awareness class a few years ago (Landmark Forum), and the big idea at the end of the three days (I hope I don't get sued for "sharing" their big secret here... . though, really, it's all pretty Buddhist anyway and I'm not sure they can take full credit for it in the first place) is that "LIFE IS EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS."  It's easy to forget this if you don't keep practicing.  But really, all the stories and weight we put on ourselves is our own fault.  We have to let go of the past.  It's over.  It can't be changed.  We can't go back, so why give it all so much meaning?  Yes, we've been hurt.  Yes, this disorder is horrendous.  Yes, we still tend to be quite affected by what we've been through... . but we can choose not to be so affected.  We can choose to erase the meaning we've given to this troubling and impossible disorder and we can move toward our true happiness.  We can move past whatever had happened to us in our lives to keep us in such relationships in the same manner.  We can stop focusing on the bad: bad past, bad relationship, bad scars... . and get in tight with what's good right now.  Today. This moment.

I don't want to focus on him / his disorder / or the relationship and its aftermath anymore.  I may always care for him, but I cannot give him anymore power.  I need that power for myself now. 

[seeking balance]

I don't want to focus on him / his disorder / or the relationship and its aftermath anymore.  I may always care for him, but I cannot give him anymore power.  I need that power for myself now. 

Wise words - caring or loving someone is not going to go away over night... . it just doesn't.

With time, new interests, we rebuild our lives - it is a process for sure.

Peace,

SB

[AwakenedOne]

We all chose the abuse.

Hi Maternal,

I agree with a lot of what you wrote and thanks for posting. The above statement I will respectfully disagree with however.

I have to comment on this because it is a bit triggering.

-I married my ex (uBPDstbxw) with no obvious signs that she would be an abuser or was unhealthy.

-I took my marriage vows seriously to God when we were married. God is more important to me than her as it should be.

-SHE chose to abuse me emotionally and physically (violence, injuries, threats, death threats, attacked in my sleep & fears of being murdered.

-I chose to give her chances to change and to accept her promises with the tears flowing that she would change and I forgave her.

-SHE chose to not honor these promises or the vows.

-I chose to make mistakes during the relationship of course.

I did not choose to be abused.

Peace,

AO

[maternal]

AwakenedOne

Apologies if I offended.

Perhaps a better way for me to word it is that those of us in an adult relationship with a sufferer of BPD and who were abused in any of subtle or not-so-subtle ways that one can be abused, yet didn't stand up for ourselves and didn't fight back or  leave chose to accept that abuse.