BPD Reaction to N/C: Out Of Sight/Out of Mind vs. Obsession

[FindPeace]

Hi - I guess I'm posting a lot today, hope that's okay.

I'm confused about something.

I've read that N/C causes an out of sight/out of mind situation for the borderline. I've also read that they will keep coming back from time to time over the years, trying to reel the ex back in.

My ex does the latter. Every few months she tries to contact me. Recently she tried to contact me twice in two weeks, which is unusual and a bit of an escalation. I saw an email from her that had been filtered to my trash (I didn't open it, but the message was short, so I saw the whole thing in the email preview) that said she misses me and she implied that she is bewildered as to why I don't respond to her messages. Early on, she actually was showing up at places she knew I'd be working and she would ignore me like I was invisible, but physically stand as close to me as possible.

I want to be out of sight out of mind; then she would stop trying to contact me.

So, is it that we are out of sight out of mind until something happens in their life that makes them want to get something from us that they think they can get?

[kba1969]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm dealing with!  The longest stretch was three months with my X.  Today, I'm 26 days NC and it's coming up on three months that I've seen her.  I'm sure she's with someone else but when that fails, and it probably will, she might try to contact me.  It depends on whether or not I'm next in line I guess!  I am preparing myself for her birthday the end of the month.  I'm gonna try my hardest to not contact her. 

[Arminius]

Three weeks NC other than I reply ( without emotion) to her email about collecting her mail from the mailbox at the house.

On agreed day, she tries to access the house with the key she has, and found locks changed.

This causes a tirade of calls and texts telling me to call the cops because she is breaking in!

I don't, and she didn't.

But when I get home hours later, she's there. Followed me as I drove away, followed for miles.

Finally she gives up, I go home, and she arrives again before I enter the house.

I drove off again and she sends texts saying she'll just wait there.

I call the cops, finally she leaves before they arrive.

I go in, she returns and is calling through the letterbox in the style of Jack Nicholson in the Shining, saying 'I'm here for our appointment' and other stuff in a crazy sing-song voice.

Quite scary.

Cops finally came, but she was gone.

[seeking balance]

For BPD, people (us) are not only their trigger, but we also can be the coping tool too.  When you ex contacts you it is likely to soothe an emotion in her - not really about you.

The disorder is baffling, she probably doesn't expect you to respond - which corresponds to her "you are bad" concept.  If you do respond, she is also rewarded... . there is no real win for you on this, sorry.

Some people never hear from theirs again - which triggers the "I don't matter" in this case... . no scenario is easier to heal from - it is just part of the process.

Hang in there,

SB

[MrFox]

Honestly, I think is a bit of both.  Out of sight, out of mind until something reminds them of us and then they are back to obsession.  I also think there might be something about how the relationship ends that may effect this. 

With most of my exBPDgf's relationships, she was the one who ended it, the one that walked away.  She was done.  I know that her ex-husband, one guy before me, and I were the only ones that walked away from her.  She never seemed to think about her exs except for the her former husband, the guy who left her, and now with with me she still inquires about me to other people and attempts some extremely childish way to have contact with me every three months or so.  It's like she can't stand the fact that someone ended it with her and not the other way around.

Lastly, people with BPD are still people and react to situations differently.  Some may walk away and never look back, others may become obsessed, some may cycle between the two and the entire range in between. 

[Arminius]

Lastly, people with BPD are still people and react to situations differently.  Some may walk away and never look back, others may become obsessed, some may cycle between the two and the entire range in between. 

Very valid, and we should all remember this.