So confused

[seh77]

Hi, so my story is long and somewhat complicated.  So I am just going to focus on what's happening now.  Around Mother's day weekend my dBPDgf decided that we should break up.  So now we have been "broken" up since then but nothing has in fact changed except her Facebook status.  Our day to day is all still the same.  I asked again last night and she said I still love you but it's different now... . ect.  I told her nothing has changed so why is she insisting that we are broken up?

I really don't know what to do.  I can't hadle this much longer.  I told her that I am confused and don't understand and she just states the same that we are broken up but she still loves me.  I just feel she is keeping me there to pay for everything.  I pay 95% of our bills.  I make a little more so I haven't said much because of that.  But I feel if we are truly broken up as she so happily points out that the bills should be split now... . ect.  I just don't know what to do because she has me so very confused.

[Forestaken]

Are you living together? Whose name is on the lease?

[bruceli]

Hi, so my story is long and somewhat complicated.  So I am just going to focus on what's happening now.  Around Mother's day weekend my dBPDgf decided that we should break up.  So now we have been "broken" up since then but nothing has in fact changed except her Facebook status.  Our day to day is all still the same.  I asked again last night and she said I still love you but it's different now... . ect.  I told her nothing has changed so why is she insisting that we are broken up?

I really don't know what to do.  I can't hadle this much longer.  I told her that I am confused and don't understand and she just states the same that we are broken up but she still loves me.  I just feel she is keeping me there to pay for everything.  I pay 95% of our bills.  I make a little more so I haven't said much because of that.  But I feel if we are truly broken up as she so happily points out that the bills should be split now... . ect.  I just don't know what to do because she has me so very confused.

WOW!  So here right now too.  Even got a thread going about this.  Looking for answers myself also.  I wonder what page out of the PD handbook this behavior is on?

Here is the link to my post/thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226989.0

[seh77]

We live together.  Her Mom and Dad helped us get the place.  But I have bought her car and other things that have been asked for.

So I just feel so very stuck.  I love her but I am to the point that I don't feel the same anymore.  I love her but really don't think I'm "In love with her".

 :'(

[bruceli]

We live together.  Her Mom and Dad helped us get the place.  But I have bought her car and other things that have been asked for.

So I just feel so very stuck.  I love her but I am to the point that I don't feel the same anymore.  I love her but really don't think I'm "In love with her".

 :'(

I can see how you would be feeling that way.

[Fanie]

Codependent like most of us 

[going places]

Saying 'we're broke up' (to me) says this eases her guilt because she is seeing someone else.

That has been 'my experience'.

[Fanie]

Ditto

A "honorable" way to go binge drinking and sex

It should be a felony

[OutOfEgypt]

Have you read this?  If you haven't, please do.  It will explain a lot of your "stuck" feelings.

Lesson 2: Understanding Your Situation

You will likely also benefit from this strikingly accurate article:

How a Borderling Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I realize that you love her, but if I could have a penny for the amount of times I said that to myself and others, I would be rich.  It is NOT love that keeps you stuck and confused and in that drugged-like state of cloudy infatuation and addiction and endless indulgence of their whims, demands, and temper tantrums.  That is not love.  That is your enmeshment, your enslavement.  That is your obsession with keeping her and having her finally adore you once again.  That is your unconscious willing agreement with the spell of control she has over you.  That is your contribution to this mess, and it will kill you unless you look at it and face it.

Also, I know that we all say in here, as I've read, "Yup, I'm codependent, too."  True. We are addicts to them, or at least to the dream we had of them -likely because we were so ripe and receptive to their over-adoration and infatuation with us at first.  They are masterful at it.  And yes, we do have a problem that will not get any better if we do not accept and admit to the reality of it.  But let's also have some compassion on ourselves... . the dynamic of the BPD/NPD is *designed* to get people obsessed with them.  If it wasn't you, it would be someone else... . and it probably already is.  This is why we cannot play with fire like this.  We need to step back and see things as they are.

[Grey Kitty]

I asked again last night and she said I still love you but it's different now... . ect.  I told her nothing has changed so why is she insisting that we are broken up?

You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what things mean inside a disordered mind... . and won't be much better off for it!

So what does "being broken up" mean to you?

And what does her saying you are broken up mean to you?

Are you thinking of breaking up?

[3 children]

I agree with all the replies but especially the one about "what breaking up means to you". I have learned ( in my experience ) that number one is you.  You have to find the confidence in yourself to trust your own feelings and to not let them be swayed.  As soon as you start to question yourself take a step back and reanalyze.   Especially before you say something not well thought out.   I've learned that in a sense we are like prey and the second your Bpd partner senses that you are back on your heels that's when the mind blowing attack comes followed by a sense of confusion to the point you don't even remember your name.  Find the truth in yourself and trust it, it is there for a reason.

[seh77]

Breaking up to me is a seperation of Household to me.  You are no longer a couple and do your seperate things.  But she keeps saying the only way we can truly be broke up is if one moves out of the house.  She then states that she doesn't want that.  I tell her I am confused as to what she wants.  I have asked her if she still has romantic feelings for her X and she never did answer my question.  She definatley stayed away from that. 

She listened to a song this weekend and immediatley became withdrawn and moody.  She then says well I definatly have some unresolved issues.  I told her that I know and walked away.  I've tried to help and be there but no good comes from that. 

I see what a good person she is. But the mind games... etc is wearing me down.

[going places]

I see what a good person she is. But the mind games... etc is wearing me down.

A 'good person' does not play games.

They operate with integrity, a healthy sense and ability to communicate, and are respectful.

I am NOT blasting you, not one bit... .

But write down on paper what a genuine 'good' person is (without her in mind) and see how many of your observations she meets... .

i will guess, very few.

"Good people" do not lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, or play head games.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yesterday, I was reminded of what going places just said.  In general, I get along pretty well with my uBPDexw.  We barely talk, only when it comes to the kids, and I generally keep it that way.  I avoid personal communication and interaction.  We don't do "family time" together or anything.  And still after all the hell she put me through, it is easy to forget and think sometimes, "She's not so bad... . she's just screwed up."

And then yesterday my phone rings.  My phone didn't recognize the number as a known contact, though I thought the digits looked vaguely familiar.  I answered.  It was this kid who was a friend of our son.  He was calling around to see if anybody could give him a ride home.  I hadn't talked to him in almost a year.  So I told him, "No, I can't sorry.  Plus, I know about how you and [my ex wife's name] were fooling around together and getting drunk and doing all sorts of things together."  He replies, "Ohh."  And I continue, "So I really don't want anything to do with you ever again.  Good luck.  Bye."

He is the kid who I found out was fooling around with my uBPDexw while we went through our last recycle.  Keep in mind... . he was just 18 at the time, and my ex is almost 40.  Anyway, it really shocked me back into remembering the kind of awful person my ex is.  I fear God, so I don't like to "judge" people, but seriously... . characterwise, it is hard to see anything that is really "good" or admirable in her that is not likely just part of her facade to manipulate, lure, connive, or gain attention.  And then add in all the selfishness and raging.

This weekend my son came by to visit, and while he was here he was looking for some old things from his childhood.  And almost none of it was here.  His mom had thrown it out or sold during one of her dismissive "he's a piece of crap" rages against him over the past few years.  And I felt very badly for not sticking up for him more -though I certainly did many times.  Of course, some of it was stuff he threw out too, probably, because of his tantrums (he may be BPD too).

I feel terrible saying this, but every now and then you get a glimpse of what is behind the mask, and it pretty monstrous.  And then you don't even know what in them is genuine at all.  But rather than bringing me to endlessly ruminate about it like it used to, it just serves as a reminder of who this person is and why I am staying away from her.  She is up there possibly in the range of people like Jodi Arias or so many of those "hot" adult married female teachers who seduce their high-school students.  A disturbed person, indeed!  Like... . I'm almost afraid to know how deeply, even though I know quite enough!

[Forestaken]

This weekend my son came by to visit, and while he was here he was looking for some old things from his childhood.  And almost none of it was here.  His mom had thrown it out or sold during one of her dismissive "he's a piece of crap" rages against him over the past few years.  And I felt very badly for not sticking up for him more -though I certainly did many times.  Of course, some of it was stuff he threw out too, probably, because of his tantrums (he may be BPD too).

OutOfEgypt: I understand your situation somewhat.  I have an abusive uBPD+dOCDxw.  She didn't cheat but she was physically, finanically and emotionally abusive. 

My S24 & D20 have live with me (S24 goes away to university now), both are in therapy and both harbor alot of resentment toward their momster and some to me.  My S24 especially as my D20 channelled alot of her emotions through her art.  S24 does lash out at times, but NC with momster helps him stay emotionally balanced.  He does have his moments but we all do.

Please don't beat yourself up on not standing up for him. As my T and I have explained to my S24.  We were all victims of her rage and no one else is at fault but her.  My S24 will bring up events where I failed him.  I apologize and express how much I wish I could change the past but I can't.  I can only do the right thing in the present and future.

[OutOfEgypt]

True.  True, indeed.  Thank you.  I was put into a difficult position -having to juggle between maintaining a unified front with the other parent (supporting and not undermining her authority, though she undermined me all the time) and standing up for what is right and protecting my son (actually, hers... . he's my stepson.  and she always acted like he was "hers" and like I needed to butt-out, anyway).  It was not good.  Did the best I could at the time.  Glad I am where I am today for my girls... . and for him.

[Grey Kitty]

I think your definition of breaking up is good and reasonable.

Breaking up to me is a seperation of Household to me.  You are no longer a couple and do your seperate things.  But she keeps saying the only way we can truly be broke up is if one moves out of the house. 

I suspect she's right there--if you stay in the same house, you are nearly certain to stay involved and/or enmeshed with her.

What does her saying she's broken up but not wanting to move out mean to you? Trying to figure out what it means to her is crazy-making--Even more than that stunt which she is pulling by saying it!

[OutOfEgypt]

Good lord... . my ex would do the same thing.  We would be "separated" while she's still living with me.  To her that meant we weren't "together", so she was "free" from the relationship, yet she leeched off my provision, still wanted me to pamper her ass, and would whine about how much debt she got herself (and me, though she didn't seem to care about that) into.

During one of our divorce attempts and after a suicide attempt by her, I took her back in.   But we were "separate".  So she would sleep in my house, and then leave at night and go hump her boyfriend, and then come back in the morning being all friendly to me.  Lying the entire time about what she was doing -not like it was that hard to figure out.

She is the poster-child for wanting to "have her cake and eat it too"

[seh77]

I almost feel like it's a control thing with her.  Like I'm seperated from you... . but You are still mine so to speak. Perfect example we went for breakfast over the weekend and someone was looking at me she later made the comment that she felt like "peeing" (not really) on me to mark her territory.

I know if I ever told that I felt like she was controlling me she would have an absolute fit.

  We were discussing our "break up" and I was questioning her feeling about her X whom she had just seen around Mother's day weekend and she immediatly took on the victim role.  She said your gonna leave I'm just not supposed to have anyone I run everyone off etc. and went moping thru the house. 

I'm just so confused... . one day I am ready to say the hell with it the next not as much.  We have been together for 5 years.

Five years we've been together and she is just now saying that she has unresolved issues with her X.

[OutOfEgypt]

I almost feel like it's a control thing with her.  Like I'm seperated from you... . but You are still mine so to speak.

Almost like?  Dude, that is *exactly* what it is.  My ex is the same way... . she wants to move on like life has never been so fun and exciting, but wants to know I'm still "hers" in a way.  Too bad I don't play that game any longer

Even the way she broke up with me with our last recycle was like that... . very open ended.  "I want to be friends, at least for now... . we'll see what the future holds".  The closure we seek from these people will never be ours because they don't really want us to have it.

[Hopeless777]

This is just all too familiar. She loves me and wants me to stay and stop the separation. Weekend together (it was our birthdays) was all about fun, until we got back to our home. Then the abandonment and lack of security issues hit full blown during her "talk":

Last face to face communication: Her - "Send me the divorce papers!"

Last phone call: Her - "Shut up!"

Last text: Her - "You're a fake!"

And I want to go back? Not on your life. She wants to know where I am every second. Uses sex as a control tool as well. Very sad situation for me as I (think I) love her; but I just can't be with her for more than about 24 hours before the "talks" start.

[Grey Kitty]

I know if I ever told that I felt like she was controlling me she would have an absolute fit.

True indeed!

A better plan is to stop being afraid of what she might do... . and stop letting her have control over you. (She may have a fit over that too... . but it is worth it even if she does!)

Focus on what you can do and what you can control... . not so much on her.

[seh77]

So I had sent an email asking about what this break up meant to my dBPDgf and she said it was so she could figure out how someone fits into her life.  This person whom she's never mentioned in five years.  She then states that she doesn't have to explain because there is a time in my life that I will not talk about.  I told her that was fine with me. 

I got the feeling that she was loading me full of crap/blowing smoke up my... . You get the picture.  I do not talk about one tiny section in my past because it's in the past and I don't want to drudge up those memories EVER again and she just can't seem to respect that even though she's said multiple times... . well I don't care I will not ask anymore. 

Anyways about our current status... she said that she could go stay at her parents when her daughter isn't with us.  I told her that this break up doesnt feel like a break up.  She said well then that should say something about our relationship.  She then used what I had said about X's that when we broke up that I walked away and didn't contact them again etc... . she said that tells her how I would feel about her... On and on and on the conversation went.

Yet we are still stuck in the same perdicament... . a break up thats not really a break up.  (but to her it is)  because the ONLY thing that's changed is she says she's single on Facebook and no longer tags me in things... . EVEN though I pay for everything.


I have decided I"m not going to wait around on her.  I am going to do things for me.  I'm tired of the complaining of her NEVER being happy.  Just going to do it one step at a time.  She evedintly thinks its ok to have a break for however long and just leave me hanging. 

My birthday is next week and I don't want to be arguing ... .

I think I am just about over this .     

[Grey Kitty]

You sound sad, but more resolved. Also realistic about how she is behaving, and that she's playing games with you--she's staying enmeshed with you, but wants to be free to go back to her ex and "resolve" things.

What options are you considering?

Staying in this state isn't sounding good for you.

Is it feasible for you to move out of where you are living with her?

Do you think she would move out on your request without a fuss?

Or could you say that since you are broken up, she needs to pay 50% of the bills, starting NOW. (Or perhaps dating to when she became "single"

Do you have a relationship with her daughter that you want to maintain?

[seh77]

So we talked again last night.  She said she can't describe what she's feeling and that it's not fair to keep me hanging.  She says it's like me trying to describe what it was like being in the Army and in Iraq when my bff was ambushed and lost his life.  She just kept on and on and when I try to talk she always twists it around and tries to deflect anything I say.   So now I just sit there and listen and she talks (she can talk for HOURS). 

So after our "talk" everything goes back to normal.  I told her I felt like she was controlling me.  She then stated back that why do I feel like that when all she's trying to do is figure things out.  I told her because she is still acting like all is the same. Perfect example... . I told her my Son has summer Football practice and she almost had a cow.  She was like he's always doing something and you're never home... . I'll have to take care of the dogs... . GASP... . WOW she'll have to do something.  But to her it's the end of the world.  She then stated why didn't I talk to her about it... . I told her REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME WE ARE BROKEN UP!

So my plan is... .

She is to pay half of the household bills.

I am going to work on ME and not worry as much about her.

I am not going to worry about keeping her happy and bending over backwards.

[Forestaken]

She says it's like me trying to describe what it was like being in the Army and in Iraq when my bff was ambushed and lost his life.  She just kept on and on and when I try to talk she always twists it around and tries to deflect anything I say.   So now I just sit there and listen and she talks (she can talk for HOURS). 

My Xw: "Our r/s was like perfect crystal vase, until you shattered it.  Even though we have the pieces is will never be the same"

10 years later - I threw that vase - that she broke - in the trash. (expensive clean-up)

[Grey Kitty]

So my plan is... .

She is to pay half of the household bills.

I am going to work on ME and not worry as much about her.

I am not going to worry about keeping her happy and bending over backwards.

Good Plan!

Regarding having her pay half the bills... . telling her that you expect her to pay her half is a good start.

What if she doesn't agree... . or agrees but doesn't pay when the bill comes due... . can we help you work out some contingency plans?

Can you separate finances out more? (For example, not have cellphones on a family plan if they are now?)

[seh77]

OK, So yesterday I actually did what I wanted and really didn't worry about her.  She was going to get her hair cut and I guess expected me to just wait around on her.  But I told her I was going to go fishing.  I took my son and went to the river and had an excellent time.  She was very quiet when I got home. Then this morning I received a text from her stating that her daughter was sad that she didn't get to spend much time with me ect.  I almost got the feeling that she is using her daughter to try and control me.

So today I am planning another outing.  I'm DONE walking on eggshells and not being ME. 

It's strikes me funny for someone that wants a break up she sure wants me around like always... . I can't help but laugh about it. 

[Grey Kitty]

I almost got the feeling that she is using her daughter to try and control me.

Almost? Hah!

Until she gets her daughter to say it to you, she's not really "using her daughter" when she is trying to control you.

Great job doing things for yourself and taking care of yourself! This is a healthy thing to do... . whether you are "together", "broken up" (her definition) or really "broken up" (your definition)!

How goes the bill sharing?

[OnceConfused]

My xBPDgf flirted with many other men, while she was involved with me. She even brought one of them over to her house, the second day I was gone overseas for a 2 weeks trip. She even let this guy pulled her car over on the highway and gave him her phone number. After his repeated callings, she got scared and told me about it. I had to pretend I was a cop when this guy called.

Her comment to all of these were "as long as there were no exchange of bodily fluid, she is faithful"

Interestingly, if she felt that I was talking to a female client, she would go into a rage and threaten to break up. Don't you think BPD is hypocrite?