PTSD. Does it go away?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think we have all acted in ways we never imagined we would with the pwBPD in our lives. And I think I know what you mean about being subtle and ambiguous. So was my x. He could be very manipulative and unless you are that way also you have no way of knowing what is going on until you learn the hard way.

[mitti]

I think we have all acted in ways we never imagined we would with the pwBPD in our lives. And I think I know what you mean about being subtle and ambiguous. So was my x. He could be very manipulative and unless you are that way also you have no way of knowing what is going on until you learn the hard way.

[Blimblam]

I find it hard to understand moving so quickly from one person to the other.

GOI, It's not about reality. Borderline is about fantasy. It is about yearning. It is a thought disorder (a belief system) that one will find the perfect true love, the soulmate in order to fuse to and be carried throughout life, enmeshed together. In a sense it is about the entitlement of a small child who doesn't know how to grow up. The child cries and cries about being alone and then once picked up and carried cries and cries to get free. In a sense BPD's don't know how to get what they want- but between these two polar opposites is intense *yearning* which is obsessive.

What you are experiencing in the aftermath of a break-up is also yearning, but it swings from *hope* to *uncertainty* which causes obsessive thought.  Dorothy Tennov calls this the state of "limerance." Limerance is often brought into object relations theory as an infatuation for an object.

It's really about objectification of an object and what the object can do for you- but stay with me here and let me explain:

Mirroring reenacts childhood dynamics of Mother's gaze. That's when you <<feel>> most loved as an infant. Your tiny brain is growing quickly and very plastic and trying to make sense of the feelings from Mother's gaze. Our tiny brains sort out and file the feeling away where it remains until the adult brain can recall it at a later time.

When a BPD mirrors in order to attach to us, they reactivate this coda from childhood. When the BPD goes away they take with them the catalyst for the activation- and this creates a tremendous, obsessive desire for their return. Tennov calls this being in a state of limerance with the BPD being your "limerant object."

When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.

Comparing oneself to the new partner: are you greater than or less than? In your mind the answer gives you either hope or uncertainty and keeps you deep in the obsessive limerance toward the return of your limerant object.

Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.

Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.

Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible.  As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life."  Hope this helps.  

man this post really helped me make sense of the ptsd

[Blimblam]

also for any one else feeling the "building of anxious pressure"  a tactic I learned is to drum your fingers into an alternating pattern and consciously deep breath.

[Caredverymuch]

I can say with certainty that it goes away. I displayed symptoms for two years but the last few months have been much easier and I seem to only have flashbacks and nightmares once every couple months now. What helped me is stimulating my brain as much possible through reading, unloading my thoughts through discussion and writing.

The brain is confused and has absorbed so much that it has to process it all. It will soon. Stay positive.

This gives me hope.  thank you... I think the key here for me is to not loose hope.

Be gentle with yourself. Keep coming here for support. No one understands this unless they have been through it unfortunately. I experienced all you mentioned. So many of us here have. You have been traumatized. This is a disorder that resulted from trauma in our ex's. Please know one thing that none of is have wanted to hear, including myself, on the path to healing. You could not have done one thing to change the outcome. You did not cause this. This is a very disordered interaction. And the initial phases of NC are so very hard. We all understand. NC really really does help. Its ok that you broke it. So many of us have. We go back to the person we loved, who is hurting us, for comfort or closure. It will not be found there.  Read as many experiences here as you can. Know you are not alone. It will get better. Keep posting. Surround yourself with support. And please know how much we all have been where you are.

[foggybottom]

Yes, it goes away.

[Lucky Jim]

Please know one thing that none of is have wanted to hear, including myself, on the path to healing. You could not have done one thing to change the outcome. You did not cause this.

You put that well, Caredverymuch.  It's true, yet hard to fathom unless you have been through the BPD wringer.

LuckyJim

[Blimblam]

today was the first day in a long time I felt any kind of inner peace.

but any sort of invalidation about how I have been not responsible triggers me.  Once I am triggered I can not function in any kind of productive way towards handling responsibilities.  People in my life do not seem to understand this.  It takes me hours to get back on track.  And not being able to function during that time can cost me thousands of dollars... There is nothing I can do though.  If I fight it the anxiety will increase to the point I have to curl up into a ball.  

Thier invalidation becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

If anyone can direct me to a link to a book or a webpage that explains validation, invalidation and how it can trigger someone with ptsd it would be invaluable to me at this point... I started today ready to handle a lot of things.  Then I was triggered and will probably have to postpone a lot of work and my lose a few thousand dolars from this.

[Blimblam]

man,  

It is really bad today... I seriously think I need a "baby sitter,"  I am unable to function and my business is falling apart as a result.  I am not sure what to do.  I am in a catch 22.  I am triggered by trying to take care of my things to the point I can not function.  I have no one to take care of it for me though.  I really don't know what to do.  I have asked my family for help but they don't seem to comprehend my situation.  If it continues like this I think I may need to be institutionalized maybe.  This is litteraly ruining my life, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I don't know what to do.  I know I need time to do nothing and probably therapy.  I feel like all my opporuities in life are going down the drain from this experience and I will lose all my friends and family as a result.

I know today I lost a thousand dollars because The anxiety was so bad it became unsafe for me to drive to one of my clients.  This is horrible and I don't know what to do.

I  definitely have lost the respect of everyone I know.  I was not like this before.  WHy the wont they make and effort to help me.?  heartless people... .

I cant even maintain my hygiene properly this is bad!  I was not like this before... . I don't know if this is just ptsd or something else.  Fighting it just makes it worst... . fuuuuk I don't know what to do

[mitti]

So sorry that you are feeling so bad. I felt the same during the last two breaks with my uBPDxbf. It was awful and I was unable to function. It does get better. Have you tried mindfulness?

If anyone can direct me to a link to a book or a webpage that explains validation, invalidation and how it can trigger someone with ptsd it would be invaluable to me at this point.

I have read some excellent explanation of how validation works by Alan E. Fruzetti, what is validating and what isn't validating, that helped me tremendously when I was still in a r/s with my uBPDxbf. Seriously, when I validated instead of allowing myself to be triggered I was able to defuse a situation in seconds. It was like a miracle tool.

Fruzetti has written The High Conflict Couple but I know I have read other books by him too but I can't remember right now and I couldn't find them in my book shelf. There are also some youtube clips to watch. Just google his name and validation. I'll try and find a link or the name of some other books.

[Blimblam]

So sorry that you are feeling so bad. I felt the same during the last two breaks with my uBPDxbf. It was awful and I was unable to function. It does get better. Have you tried mindfulness?

If anyone can direct me to a link to a book or a webpage that explains validation, invalidation and how it can trigger someone with ptsd it would be invaluable to me at this point.

I have read some excellent explanation of how validation works by Alan E. Fruzetti, what is validating and what isn't validating, that helped me tremendously when I was still in a r/s with my uBPDxbf. Seriously, when I validated instead of allowing myself to be triggered I was able to defuse a situation in seconds. It was like a miracle tool.

Fruzetti has written The High Conflict Couple but I know I have read other books by him too but I can't remember right now and I couldn't find them in my book shelf. There are also some youtube clips to watch. Just google his name and validation. I'll try and find a link or the name of some other books.

thank you thank you thank you!