Why is it that I would do just about anything to stop her being angry with me?
You only have 100% control and influence over 3 people: Me, myself and I. She can do - and until now has done - whatever she wants and that is her right as an adult - within certain limits.
You are in the midst of a learning process. Becoming aware of what has been done to you, what you allowed to be done to you and what you have done to yourself is hard to accept all at once. You logically see what the situation is but as yet your emotional state hasn't caught up. Frankly, for self protection, you need to listen to your logical head quickly and not wait for your emotions to catch up, otherwise you will be playing catch up with her until the last of the children is grown.
I learned about BPD just 5 months ago after 14 years of marriage and three children. It feels like the curtains have been pulled back on a personal nightmare, when I realise just how much power she has wielded over me. As my knowledge increased I told her the game was up. The abuser - codependent dynamic was over. I refused to engage and tried to take the lead in positive behaviours. I have only been kind to her in the face of brutal treatment, and she has not moved an inch from the innocent victim role she assumed.
Then came the divorce threats. 10 in total spread over the 5 month separation... . She finally contacted a lawyer and said she had filed.
Sharing information - yes, such as the fact that you're finally clued in to her Control and Blame Game - is not a good idea when you're contemplating the end of a marriage. While you've been trying to show that your new boundaries are helping, she's been preparing and executing her Blame War. If she is also a possessive, controlling mother, then it also will be a No-Holds-Barred Nasty Custody War.
My thoughts... . you need to get your act together, no more passive commiserating, you need to become a proactive parent. This is to counteract the hurdles before you.
- Though courts are technically gender neutral, they find many ways to give unwritten default preference to mothers.
- If your spouse is a Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) then court may view her history of majority parenting as very compelling.
- Courts will largely ignore her poor adult behaviors, such as how she treats you.
- Courts will ignore her poor but minor parenting behaviors, how she treats the children. Except for major incidents, most of her behaviors won't rise to the level of child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment. If it is not actionable then it will often be ignored unless you can use it to document her patterns of behavior.
Have YOU consulted with a family law attorney to find out where you stand, what strategies are available to you and what actions you can take? You'll need a capable and experienced lawyer, so get multiple consultations so you can pick a lawyer you're both comfortable with and feel has the best proactive strategy. You need far more than the hold-your-hand forms-filer.
Perhaps Step One can be to call your county's court that handles divorces and ask whether any action has been filed. They may also have a website that lists cases. Most states seem to automatically serve divorce petitions, but at least some seem to allow you to file and then let it sit idle.
Tied for Step One is to get yourself lawyered up. ASAP! Until then you are at risk of anything and everything.
