Small victory

[DisneyMom]

Just wanted to share my story tonight.

My 14 year old BPD DD flew into a rage last night when DH and I did not take her to the emergency room after she received a few scrapes and bruises for falling off a skateboard. Most children far younger would have been just fine to be bandaged up and move on. But DD has a long, long history of over-exaggerating how sick and hurt she is, we have over the years, been to countless urgent care, doctors, and ERs (which we realize now certainly contributed to the problem) for very minor things that turn out to be nothing (her anxiety gets overwhelming and she can be very convincing, it's often hard to tell what could be real and what is not). DH and I held firm that she rest the night on ibuprophren and not go to the ER, based on our observation, this was not serious enough right now for that kind of action. And we would wait and see. She was livid with us for being "horrible parents that didn't care about taking care of her"

This morning, she feels better, goes to her job training, and has a fine day. Goes out to a nice dinner with me and we get some new shoes and camping supplies to join DH and younger DD for camping tomorrow. Tonight she goes to health club to "lightly" work out. Ordinarily, I don't let her go later than 10pm, but I made an exception tonight, as I was encouraged she took the initiative to get out of her room when she started to feel depressed and didn't want it to get worse. I heard not one word of complaint all day about her scrapes. Then I get a call from the health club staff. It is very late at night. She is crying in the locker room. Wants medical attention (she supposedly felt pain trying to do a machine). (Note a few weeks ago they DID call an ambulance/sent her to the ER for her after she had a panic attack in an exercise class. I guess she figured her actions there would result in her desired "x-ray" trip to the hospital). I picked her up, gave her meds and she once again raged at me when I told her we were going home and not the ER. Screaming on the way out that she needs "medical attention" The drive home was the classic BPD rage at me. I'm a horrible, lazy parent. Too cheap to spend the money to care for her child. I am committing child abuse. Just the worst vile threats and things you can say, she screamed them all at me on that drive home. BUT something is changing within me. It did not get to me because I know it's her illness. I didn't engage or even get my feelings hurt. I just felt sorry for her for having this awful mental illness. I finally am starting to feel an acceptance for what is our reality.

At home she went to her room, and I went upstairs. She was horribly verbally abusive to me. I was not going to try to validate her and take it on as my responsibility to de-escalate her. I was done. And DD, with no one to fight with, stopped raging and sobbed a little quietly. Then a bit later I got a text. "Sorry Mom, I was in emotional mind" I said back "I know sweetie, it's OK" and she texted me back hugs. I went down and asked if she wanted a real hug, which she did. And calmly told me she realized she was just angry about being too sore to work out tonight.

I'm just so pleased about the lessons we've learned from her being in residential DBT. She's always going to have melt-downs. But we've come a long way in figuring out how to parent her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

Kudos to you, DisneyMoM! Way to go!

[raytamtay3]

Doesn't sound like it could have gone any better. Good job! I hope I can get there some day too. I'm getting there though.

[Rapt Reader]

At home she went to her room, and I went upstairs. She was horribly verbally abusive to me. I was not going to try to validate her and take it on as my responsibility to de-escalate her. I was done. And DD, with no one to fight with, stopped raging and sobbed a little quietly. Then a bit later I got a text. "Sorry Mom, I was in emotional mind" I said back "I know sweetie, it's OK" and she texted me back hugs. I went down and asked if she wanted a real hug, which she did. And calmly told me she realized she was just angry about being too sore to work out tonight.

I'm just so pleased about the lessons we've learned from her being in residential DBT. She's always going to have melt-downs. But we've come a long way in figuring out how to parent her.

What a great story, DisneyMom!

You've learned a lot, and the validation for you in being able to detach from personalizing her behaviors, radically accepting that she is who she is, understanding and empathizing with her disorder--and seeing a positive outcome--must give you the motivation to keep going that way.

Kudos 

[chooselove]

I'm so proud of you... . and your daughter, too.

[jellibeans]

disneymom

what a great story... . you handled tha so well.  

[peaceplease]

Way to go Disney Mom!   FWIW, my 30 year old still has those classic rages.  I am glad that you are learning so much while she is 14.

[DisneyMom]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your support and understanding

[Being Mindful]

Excellent DisneyMom! This is great that you realize how your interactions can have a major impact for your daughter learning, growing and changing. Good for you!