Medication for 18 year olds

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

DD will be 18 in less than a year.  I was wondering if anyone knows how they will handle her medication.  She will be able to pick up her own prescriptions and if she lives on her own (her dream) she will have access to her meds.  How does this work with her history?  3 serious attempts and multiple (11 so far) hospitalizations for suicidal ideation. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Crazed

I have been thinking a lot about you and hoping things were going go for you and your dd. Do you really think your dd will be able to live independently? That is also my dd wish too but I don't see it happening. She is going to go to community college and I am happy to pay tuition but I will not pay for her to live on her own if she can live home. My dd will also be 18 in another year and I really feel taking her meds is her job and if she doesn't then she has the consequence to deal with. She doesn't always take her meds now but I can see that by the container it is in. When I find meds in her room I try not to make a big deal because of her ODD... . the bigger deal I make the more likely she is to repeat the pattern. At some point she needs to decide if she is going to help herself or not. Taking meds is the least she can do.

Is your dd at home now? I thought she was living in a shelter?

[theplotthickens]

With her history, it should be fairly easy to get guardianship of her.  Do you have a county case worker?

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi jellibeans,

I was more thinking of her tendency to overdose rather than just not taking her meds.  

Things are about the same with dd.  I was going to respond earlier but to be honest I'm just so angry with her these days it's hard not to come across as way too bitter.  She was in the shelter less than a week, but then came home and after less than a week she wrote a suicide note which I found.  She spent a week in the hospital.  Now she's home.  A few days after she came home I found that she had written the rules for the Satlantic religion.  I'm not sure what version of Satanism that is... can't find anything on the internet.  I dropped it off at her counselors office with a note to call me.  They asked me to come in and said that they don't have the resources to help dd.  I was informed that I could use family based services (where they come to your home and do family and individual counseling) or residential and I had two weeks to decide.  Apparently dd had told them some exaggerations/lies about me and the counselor was pretty mad at me when I got there.     So, my daughter is a satanic man and the counselor is mad at me. *shrugs* whatever.

I'm not sure what that means... two weeks to decide and only giving two choices.  I'm not doing family based again as they tend to focus on the family more than dd and she isn't getting proper treatment or counseling.  I'm not big on the idea of RTF again.  I'm not sure what's going to happen if I just don't call them again.  I did make an appointment with a counselor in the same office where dd has her psychiatrist.  They didn't have an opening until Mid July.  

theplotthickens, we do sort of have a county case worker... I think.  Someone from the county is supposed to be following her case, but has never contacted me and I've not contacted him except for one time and he seemed pretty clueless.  Getting guardianship of her is an idea, but to be honest, I"m tired!  This has been non stop for 3 years and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up with her.  She has a new pdoc who mentioned dd can do anything at anytime on any day.  She is just so unpredictable.  That dr just nailed it.

On top of everything else, dh got a job in NC, so we will be moving (DH is leaving on Friday and we will join him in a couple months so I'll be a single mom till then) and have to start all over with pdocs and counselors and finding which hospitals are good and which ones suck.  

Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell.  I keep using my skills and work on staying consistent.  Things are bad but I know they could be worse.

[theplotthickens]

Apparently dd had told them some exaggerations/lies about me and the counselor was pretty mad at me when I got there.

That makes me so mad!  This has happened to me many times, particularly at one treatment facility.  It seems that they believe the child implicitly, but parents have to provide evidence and prove what they are saying.  My daughter really enjoys turning the tables on me, being aggressive and belligerent at home, but acting like an angel in a therapists office and playing the victim.  When the therapist plays into that, there is a BIG payoff for dd, and she loves getting others to target me.

If a therapist doesn't "get" a BPDer, they don't have the professional knowledge, training or wisdom to work with us. 

I refuse to tolerate that treatment anymore.  I am just too exhausted to defend myself to a therapist who doesn't see or recognize the in-home behaviors.

As far as guardianship, call your case worker.  It CAN be you, but it doesn't have to be.  They can appoint someone for your daughter, and it sounds like she really needs it to stay safe. 

Hang in there!  I am not a fan of family therapy - it has only ever added to my stress and added to my dd's blaming and drama.  You are not alone!

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Crazed,

I'm new here and your story really hit home for me because my BPDd will be 18 this October.  We live in So. California, and her boyfriend just moved back home to So. Dakota.  :)D wants to go live with him when she's 18.  Not sure how that will pan out, as her "plans" change every day.  She knows if she goes there, we will not support her.  If she stays here, she has room & board, and college money.  But that's another story.

I wanted to tell you I share your pain and concern about med-taking without supervision.  My DD also has polycystic ovarian syndrome, for which she is on The Pill to regulate her hormones.  But, I have yet to see her take an entire pack without missing one or more pills and she's been on them for about 2 years.  So, needless to say, her periods are still very irregular, and so is her mood.

She's also on antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds, and she doesn't take them properly either.  She has admitted to OD-ing late at night on half a dozen occasions, but we didn't know about it until months later.  She has also tried stopping them without telling us or her doctor.  We should have known because she was living in a constant rage for a few weeks until her doctor figured out she'd gone off the meds.  Now we know the signs, and last time she "forgot" for a few days and went into a rage, DH calmly asked her, ":)id you take your meds today?"  She had not, and within a half hour of starting back on them, she calmed down and apologized for her rage.  We're lucky she responds to DH.  I have asked the same question before, and she hears it as a personal attack or criticism and so flies into more rage.

I have thought about trying to take control of her meds and dole them out to her on schedule.  Or, to make her earn privileges for good compliance.  But, frankly, I don't have the stamina to do that.  We're not raising children, we're raising adults.  I expect her to take responsibility for herself.  I've tried showing her how to organize her meds & vitamins in a weekly pill dispenser like I do for myself, and it doesn't help.  I know SHE has to be the one to take responsibility for her health and well-being.  But, it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind that she could OD again. I think her med-taking is one of those "serenity prayer" things that I truly have no control over, so I let it go.

The thing I personally struggle with is trying to figure out how to not let HER lack of responsibility for herself affect me. I just ordered a couple of the recommended books on this site and I'm slowly pouring through the tools and lessons.  So, I hope there is something I can learn to help minimize the negative affects she causes to our family when she screws up.  We already pay for countless doctor bills and ER visits.  Those expenses have recently seriously cut into our budget and lifestyle.  But the medical expenses are nothing compared to the emotional toll it takes on me when she rages out of control.

I also understand your anger and how hard it is not to come across as bitter.  I deal with that as well.  It's strange to be mad at someone for hurting my daughter when that someone IS my daughter.  I am furious with the part of her that hurts her, and indirectly hurts me.  But, I dare not show it, as my anger about her behavior almost always sends her into a rage.  Even so, she detects my coolness, or my "flat affect" when I'm suppressing my own feelings and she assumes I don't love her.  -sigh-

Keep us posted about the tough decision you must make.  Two weeks doesn't seem like much time to prepare.  My heart goes out to you!  I'm sorely disappointed in the horrible lack of mental health resources here in So. Cal.  I hope resources are better where you live.  When my DD was hospitalized last month, the only open bed was 2 hours away.  And that was 2 days AFTER she should have been admitted, but there were NO open beds in any pediatric mental ward in all of So. Cal on Memorial Day weekend when she cut her wrist.  And we were ALL very disappointed with the poor care she finally received at the ped. mental hospital. The psychiatrist there immediately stopped her antidepressant and antianxiety meds.  What was he thinking?  She went into withdrawal from going "cold turkey."  I asked numerous times to speak with that doctor, and he NEVER called.  I thought it was very odd that the doctor didn't bother to contact the parents of a minor child in his care when he made changes to her medication.  So, I'm really upset with our mental health options.  After that, I don't have any confidence in our resources here.  

I pray that NC has better resources so that your big move is a positive one for you and your family.  Like you said, things can always be worse.

[crazedncrazymom]

Apparently dd had told them some exaggerations/lies about me and the counselor was pretty mad at me when I got there.

If a therapist doesn't "get" a BPDer, they don't have the professional knowledge, training or wisdom to work with us. 

I refuse to tolerate that treatment anymore.  I am just too exhausted to defend myself to a therapist who doesn't see or recognize the in-home behaviors.

As far as guardianship, call your case worker.  It CAN be you, but it doesn't have to be.  They can appoint someone for your daughter, and it sounds like she really needs it to stay safe. 

I think it would be a great idea to get her a guardian.  At this point I don't know up from down.  Should she be in an rtf?  Should she be home?  I don't know.  Her last overdose was in February and her last hospitalization for ideation was earlier this month... or late last month.  It all runs together anymore.  I do know what I want and what is reality differs greatly.  I wonder if we asked for a CASSP meeting, what everyone would think was best. 

I'm with you as far as not putting up with counselors attitudes anymore.  First of all, dd is a teenager.  If they can get some sympathy they will.  Second, you can't look at someone's life for a minute and make any judgment whatsoever.  It really is disappointing that a lot of counselors do.

Thanks for the insight!  Your support and insight is greatly appreciated!

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi create4joy,

A belated   

I can't even imagine allowing my daughter access to medication.  We put an electronic lock on our closet and keep everything in there that she can't have.  BTW, if you have any problems with your dd stealing, I highly recommend the lock.  It cost about $65 and worth every penny.  We tried an electronic safe (completely useless) but dd broke into it and overdosed back in February. 

We have managed to get her rages under control by using the skills that this site advocates.  Taking time outs, validating, using SET statements, setting and sticking to expectations, etc.  DD thinks about it sometimes.  I can see her little mind ticking and I'm like... no, you will only lose if you want to go to war with me.  Back before I learned all the skills she would have challenged me.  Now she knows better.  I'm not going to feed into her rage, but I'm not going to tolerate it either.

As far as finances go, please check with your county welfare office.  DD qualifies for Medicaid until she is 21 due to her diagnosis.  It's a wonderful secondary insurance as they pick up all co-pays and provide benefits that my insurance doesn't cover.  In our situation even just paying co-pays would break us. 

What makes this site so great is no matter how bad things are any of us can post here and find someone who understands.  Thanks!

-crazed

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Crazed,

I do feel your pain & frustration. I wish I had something constructive and helpful to say. Your original post hit home for me on so many levels. The prospect of our DDs reaching 18 is terrifying. Especially when we parents have seen so many areas in their lives where they lack maturity & skills to function out in the world on their own. Your post also gave me hope because you have already learned the skills and resources here to help YOU cope. And your situation reminded me that BPD is a spectrum disorder and whatever hell we've been through thus far with our DD, you are dealing with worse.  And I' m so sorry you are. I wouldn't wish BPD on anyone.

Thanks for the advice about the lock! I hope we never need to go that route, but if we do, we will. We did install magnetic baby-proof lock on our bar and liquor cabinet when she first became a teenager. We don't know if it was our DD or one of her friends, but a few years ago, we discovered the vodka we used to keep in the freezer was frozen because someone had added water to cover up what was missing. She swore it wasn't her, but we've all heard lies like that before, haven't we? Thus, the lock. So far, she hasn't been interested in the booze enough to go hunting for the key, and her friends aren't ballsy enough to break in, so it's working for now.  But sneaking booze is a normal teenager thing, not a BPD thing. Regulating their RX meds is hard enough without the added stress of someone trying to OD all the time. You've made me feel grateful we aren't dealing with that issue to the degree you are.

I'm grateful to you for sharing also because you sound armed with so many good skills and resources to turn to. I can't absorb & learn the tools & lessons offered here fast enough! I will look into medicare. California is nearly bankrupt already, but we will exhaust our own hard-earned resources if these ER visits, mental hospital stays, therapy, and other doctor bills continue at the rate we've reached thus far. DH and I would like to retire someday, but most of our excess income has been going to medical lately, so we cannot continue without assistance. I'm so glad to know there is financial help available for BPD. It's also helping me to be awakened to more of the behaviors other BPDs do.

I was disappointed that her DBT therapist's "solution" to stop her from cutting herself was having her give her "word" that she would call him instead of cutting. I know there is no magic treatment for BPD, but I really thought he was doing more than merely asking for her word.  But, he does validate all of us, which is obviously a crucial part of the treatment. And he's better than all the other therapists we've seen.  It has just become plainly obvious that mental health professionals are as human as the rest of us and some of them are too damaged themselves to be treating others. (We had one of those, & she caused more harm than good. But that's another story.)

It is so hard to know what areas of her life to take over for our BPDd and what areas to surrender to her.  It seems like baby-proofing all over again: take all the precautions we know about to protect her and add more protections & boundaries as they become necessary. But I hate the fact that we have to do this for someone who will soon be a legal adult! And seeing what YOU have to do already, dear Crazed, my heart breaks for you.

[jellibeans]

Dear Crazed

I am sorry to read about your continued struggles with your dd. I am sure you are tired of it all and it is exhausting. I do hope you are taking care of yourself. Maybe that puppy your got is giving you some comfort I hope... . I see the move as an opportunity to look for a different therapist. I am not sure where you are moving but you know that Valerie Porr runs workshops in NYC and I am sure they are well worth it.

What is your plan going forward? I am concerned that you are not taking care of yourself... . that tireness and end of the rope thinking usually happens when we are tired and run down so please take care of yourself. I am thinking of you and wish you well

[theplotthickens]

A-men to the locks!  We have a lock on our bedroom for meds, knives, carbohydrates, and contraband.  When dd is raging I can go into my locked room for safety and call 911 if I need to.  It also helps me feel safe at night.

We also installed an alarm system for our BPD runner! 

Without a locked room  and an alarm system,  I would not be able to maintain safety in our home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders