the best thing...

[Tolou]

"the best thing you can do for a person with BPD is to let them go"

It was hard, but it was the best thing for and probably her too. I truely believe if I stayed any longer she might be dead... . I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I feel so much better without all that drama and chaos in my life.  I think it is irrational for me to assume or think I know what she feel, thinks, or if it better for her to be without me? (for her standpoint) from mine, it is completely rational to not be with her or speak to her.

I was a trigger, and she became this person I did not know when she became trigger, she could became a scared kid, an angry teenager, or just a person who became and agry and felt entitled and would do or say anything to eleviate her pain or project onto someone else. I wish her well, I don't think there was anyway to predict that any of this would happen.

Can't change the past, or see in the future, just have to be here and live in terms of what I find to be valuable for me, and what I want in another person.  If someone can't provide me with the things I want and desire in life and vice versa, why stay? Ultimately, it came down to commucation, I was not able to communicate with this person, and the further removed she was from my life, the more I became reminded of what I want and don't want, you can get lost in these relationships, because I put someone beforee myself, and that was the case all the time, her before me, and that wasn't healthy.

[Littleleft]

Boundaries are our way to ensure that a relationship unfolds within bounds that we can tolerate without allowing ourselves to be harmed.  Usually to set boundaries with someone wBPD is to risk the end of the r/ship.  But to do so is respectful of both them and us.

I can relate to this. I started setting boundaries far into the r/s and it was the catalyst for the end of the r/s. Boundaries should be set at the beginning of the r/s, setting them late into a pwBPD r/s or healthy r/s is a very difficult thing to do. If I had boundaries from the very start would a r/s with a pwBPD unfold? I probably never would of had an r/s with my ex.

This is pretty much what happened with me too.  Things were awful, then I tried to start setting and enforcing my boundaries and I think that contributed to things getting even worse.  (I also understand that things were made worse towards the end by me being away for a few weeks visiting family, as that triggered his abandonment fear in a BIG way). One huge extinction burst followed that I never got to see the end of, because things got so out of hand over a period of time, so I had to make the decision to end the relationship for my sanity and the safety of both of us.

[clairedair]

If, when we left them, they would "learn to self-soothe," that would be super.  But that isn't what happens, is it, generally?  They just find new people.

That's why I think it may be a fallacy that we are helping them by leaving.  It's a nice thought.  But I'm not sure it makes sense given what will almost inevitably happen next: they get a new external object/source of soothing.

My exH remarried about 8 months after our final break-up.  That was a year ago and he seems a lot more settled and happy.  I have as little contact with him as possible (because I am now triggered by him!) but hear about him from friends and our children.  I find it really hard that he seems to have gone from being so miserable and angry with me to a new, wonderful relationship weeks later that is, by all accounts, still going strong.  It's difficult not to take it personally at times.

I do, however, feel that he is better off being away from me because we were triggering each other so much latterly.  He came and went several times over years - things would be great and then flip. My theory is that the more he caused pain, the more shame he felt and the less he could handle it... . so he left again.  Or he would remember something I'd done that hurt him 15 years ago and he'd be off.  He did the same thing with another woman over a few years and she was utterly confused when, having finally divorced me he then married a third woman.  I found that painful but not confusing - there was no history with the new wife and so no triggers. 

So I agree with P&C - I can say that he's "better off without me" but, sadly, I wouldn't bet my mortgage on him being better off overall.  He's not been out of a relationship for more than 5 minutes and got married within six months of starting to date new wife.  Part of me hopes I'm wrong - I still care about him and she seems a decent woman (the other part of me isn't so generous  )

I want to say something like "the best thing... . would have been if I'd been more aware of my boundaries at an early stage in our relationship" or "the best thing... . would have been for him to have felt good enough as a child" or "the best thing... . would have been for me to have been the one to end things years ago" but as Tolou says, we can't change the past and so I will have to take what I've learned into my future.

Control is what I think of when I thing of letting go - no longer controlling the outcome or the pain. 

When I think of letting go now (over 18 months out of relationship), I think about letting go of understanding our relationship and what happened.  I still seem to need to do this and it's futile!

take care,

Claire