Gs9 rages

[Vallejosis]

I am raising gs9 who's mother is dBPD.  Occasionally he acts out in rages that seem to come from no where for no particular reason other than he is angry & frustrated. Simple things annoy him, like telling him to do homework or clean his room, he will scream, hit and throw things, and says he hates us & nobody likes him. We try to comfort him,  but he only gets more upset so we try to let him calm himself down before we try to engage with him. These rages leave him totally exhausted and I am wondering if these are early symptoms of this disorder or a reaction to the way his BPDm early upbringing affected him? My dd didn't do these things as a child. She did act out physically when she was a teen, but not to the degree of destroying things. She had no symptoms prior to seisures that started when she was 14. Does anyone have these type of issues with their children or grandchildren? He is in counseling, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Help  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HappyChappy]

The behavior you describe could come from many different angles and reasons. That he is with loving parents, and with an expert (therapist) sounds like you're doing the right thing. So hang in there. The therapist will need many sessions before they know the child well enought to start making meaningful prognosises.

As a child of a BPD - we weren't allowed to act out, as our BPD Mom was always bigger at that sort of activity. Our sulking was ignored, and any anger was trumped by bigger anger from the BPD. So maybe your son had to go extra angry to compete with his BPD.

If he feels loved and safe - be assured you're doing the right thing. I would have died to have that sort of care - keep up the good work.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry Vallejosis, that your gs is having such a hard time, and you with him... . He can't help but be affected by the life he has had up to this point, and I am sure that he has experienced more than enough trauma for his little 9 year old soul... .  

This may be a long shot, but to start, I'd think that his rages are a symptom of a wider problem - the attachment and trust issues he is bound to have as a child of a pwBPD and being raised by someone else than his parents.

I would try to find a therapist who understands the attachment and trust issues.

There are also classes for adoptive parents (I know, you aren't really 'adoptive parents', yet the trauma of his mom not being there for him is there nonetheless... . ), that teach attachment parenting classes... .

Do you think that might be something worth exploring?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Vallejosis,

I'm new here too, but boy, do I know what you're going through!  My DD17 used to have similar rages to your GS from the time she was 2.  Back then, I didn't know she had BPD.  It does sound like it's too soon to tell with your GS.  He's so lucky to have your awesome support!  I'd like to offer you some support that really helped me with my DD when she was younger.

Years ago, I found a message board just like this one, only it was for "Parents of Spirited Children."  Maybe it's still there?  That site recommended a book that changed my life because it gave me some tools to deal with DD's inborn temperament traits that were so challenging. (And still are.)  I highly recommend "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka for ANYONE who has young children. 

But the skills I learned there have also helped ME to recognize when I have become overstimulated or flooded with anger, etc.  I already ordered the BPD books they recommend here, and I'm still waiting for them.

I know it's hard to take the time to read books, but I know one of them used to be available on tape, so I could listen in the car. 

I wish you lots of peace and coping skills to deal with GS.  I KNOW how frustrating it is to watch them go through those tantrums for hours when nothing you do helps.  I read lots of parenting books when my DD was young, and I had almost lost hope until I found the ones I mentioned.  Hang in there!

[theplotthickens]

Any history of bipolar or ad/hd?  Has he been evaluated for ad/hd and have stimulants helped or worsened the raging?

I haven't read the other posts, and I am in a hurry at the moment so I apologize this is so brief. 

[qcarolr]

Vallejosis,

I am not on the board often at this time so have not read your whole story. This thread caught my eye. Does your gs live with his parents? What role do you currently play in his life? Having a loving, stable relationship with kin is so important for kids struggling to grow up with mental illness in their home.

My gd, who is turning 9 on Friday, has some similar behavior patterns as your gs. It is clear to all the caring people in her life that attachment 'trauma' has had a great impact on her ability to be resilient in coping with the day to day stuff in her life - at home, in school, in the neighborhood. She also was dx with ADHD and PTSD and the school has made accommodations for her (calm, compassionate teachers and smaller group work have the most impact). She also started Adderall in December and her learning zoomed up to grade level in reading by the end of May - from DRA 20 to DRA 34. She has also responded to learning new ways to make and keep friends both at school and home. She manages her overwhelm and fear by withdrawing when away from home, and by acting out at home, throwing things, scratching, kicking... . As I work in therapy, as I describe below things are getting better and better. Building a local support team has also given me some respite - this is so very valuable! (teachers, neighbors with kids her age, limited family, therapists... . )

Each child is an individual, and needs to be evaluated by a competent professional, one that uses a multi-modal approach including the newest results of neuroscience research, attachment and trauma theory. Then I have to work through these same issues for myself, to be in a calm, sincere place to use the tools. They are similar to the tools at the right with a different focus.

GD is in counseling with a T that is also doing individual sessions with me. She is following an Attachment Focused Family Therapy program developed by Daniel Hughes. She is with the county mental health center. They also offer this as an 8 week parenting class. BPDDD28 (gd's mom) and dh have agreed to attend the class with me, that starts in September. You can get an idea of his P.A.C.E. program from his book, reviewed at this link:

"Brain-based Parenting... . ", https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0


Another book that I read several years ago has also helped me change my approach with my gd9. It uses the principles of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

" Parenting a Child with Intense Emotions", Pat Harvey, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200554.0

This is a lot of info. Let us know how things are going.

qcr