1 step forward and two steps back

[tristesse]

Okay, so DBPDD30 had been showing signs of improvement, small baby steps forward, but progress none the less. And then bottom drops out... . again. I feel so sick in my stomache this morning. Let me just give some background, and I will try to not to make this a book, but I will also try not to leave out any key details.

A few months ago BPDd and gs moved back into my home, she had been in an abusive relationship and he had beat her up in front of gs, so I went to retrieve her and brought her home.  A few months prior to that my ds and his pregnant gf had moved in because the apartment they were had been sold. The period between ds and then dd moving in a lot of things had taken place. #1, dh and I had decided that we were going to sell our home and buy something in suburbs, ds wants to buy the house, he grew up in that home and wants to continue to live there. DH and I agreed that we would sell to him. ( we are not selling for several months yet ) It was decided that since they are buying the house we would let them have control of painting and decorating the room that was going to be the nursery. All of this was done prior to my dd coming back. Now I have dd and gs , ds and his gf  all in my home and  a new baby due in 2 weeks. Things had been going somewhat smoothly, a few bumps here and there, and two really big rages. I need to say also the dd does no and I mean absolutely no house chores, and she is an absolute slob, gf will cook, will clean will do dishes etc. ds and gf contribute to groceries etc, dd, does nothing but eat and make messes all day.

So last night BPDd was taking gd ( nBPDd's daughter ) to a movie for her birthday, dd does not have a license right now because she owes fines that she has not paid. I drove them to the theatre and sons gf was picking them up. On the way to the car dd yells SHOTGUN, gf says I don't think so, Im not sitting next to your kid, dd... . why? gf... . because I don't want o be kicked and poked all the way there. So everybody gets in the car and dd starts saying things, like she didn't want to leave gs with me because I would be mean to him ( I have never been mean or unkind in any way to him ), then she asked gd if she had been kicked or poked on the ride to the theatre, gd says, yes... . dd did not like that answer, so she kept making comments, trying to hurt gf, I finally said, that's not necessary, you have made your point. gf, gs and I drove home, I played sega with gs, etc. Movie is over they come back and dd quizzes gs about how he had been treated, convincing him that I had in fact been mean to him. he is only 5 by the way, she is 30. I chose to let it go.

This morning I got up at 5 like usual to prepare for work, dd felt the need to confront me about last night, she is furious over the comment gf made about not sitting by gs. ( this child is quite animated  and flails about while talking, he is never still ) I told dd that I understood how the comment had hurt her feelings, and how she felt the need to defend her child, as is her right as a parent. I told her that she had a right to those feelings, and I was sorry that she felt that way. This by the way, was not good enough, she wanted me to be mad at gf also, she wanted me to say that gf was wrong etc. I refused to do so, because she wasn't wrong. I explained to dd that it was uncomfortable for gf, she is 9 months pregnant after all, dd did not care, she saw that as me taking the side of the gf, and segued into a host of other woes. Like why my ds is " allowed " to buy two cars and a boat and my house, and nobody says anything to him, in fact we went half on the boat, but we won't help her, etc. She wanted a credit card and her fines paid so she could get her license back, but we aren't helping her with that. I explained that ds works at John Deere and makes a healthy wage, she Is unemployed, and further, he does not need my permission to buy anything, he is a grown man, as she is a grown woman. The boat purchase was a joint purchase between dh and ds because they each wanted to buy one, but neither wanted the full expense, so why not share the boat and the cost. All of this was explained to her, and I let her know  that I would not give her a credit card because she has no job to pay the bill, and I would not pay the fines because I had done this same thong for her 2 years ago, and here we are again.  Then she switched to why the baby who isn't even born yet, gets to have it's own room, why does she have to share with her son, it's not fair. I should make ds and gf allow gs to share a room with the new baby.  I wanted to scream in her face, I wanted to point out that I am working 50 hours a week to support her and her child, her dad is working 60, her brother is working 7 days a week, and she can't even be bothered to wash a dish or pick up after herself and her son. That I am soo tired, and she is so draining and needy. I wanted to tell her if she didn't like then she could just leave, I wanted to tell her she was an ungrateful brat. etc etc etc. I did none of that, I told her I was sorry she was feeling that way, where she proceeded to mimick me, and basically told me to stick it up my a_ _ . I just told her that I hope she has a good day, and I  left for work. Now I am in my office stressed out thinking she is going to make everybody miserable today, because she doesn't feel vindicated. I worry about the pregnant gf, and what dd will say to her. HELP, I  can't figure out what to do, I have no idea how I could have prevented this exchange.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

I am so sorry for all of the pain this is causing you---our children sure know how to make us feel our worst don't they.   I think you handled yourself well, you didn't get mad and say unkind things to her---great job with that.  You tried to validate and support so don't beat yourself up.  I think your daughter is miserable, she sees the success of her brother and parents and the hole she has dug for herself, and therefore needs to make others feel horrible also.  Good job of not giving in with the funds, and giving her the opportunity to take responsibility for herself when/if she is ready to.  I don't have any good advice for you, but I do know that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.  Maybe she will look at her own life and make some changes and maybe not. Take care of yourself, find joy in small things such as that precious grandchild, and keep doing the best you know how.  You are not alone.  I am anxious to hear more of your story. I think you may have been the one who recently talked about your daughter considering therapy, is this right?   Best wishes for better days ahead!   

[tristesse]

tr

thank you for the kind words. I really need  to hear that sometimes.

Yes I did recently talk about her going to therapy, and she has in fact started, and has been twice so far. This is not her first go round with therapy, but her first DBT. I am just worried now about how she will treat the others today and what blow out will come of it all.

[Thursday]

hi bp514eterson,

Such a lot you have going on. And your BPDd seems quite relentless in her questioning.

I'm imagining that your DD probably knew all of the information you were giving her... . example- didn't she know that your husband and your son were sharing the boat? I think she probably also already knows that you (and others in your household) are unhappy with the fact that she doesn't work and that she and her child live with you. She probably even knows that your son's gf, being pregnant, wouldn't want to sit next to DD's hyper son.

It sounds like there are a few things going on when she behaves like this. What elements of this behavior are more than just rage and outbursts?

My BPDSD23 sometimes shows us clearly how jealous and insecure she is by acting out in this same sort of way... . starts with a lot of statements where she announces this entitlement or that and her mood gets so black and there isn't much we can do except to wait. Patience has been a very important part of coping and healing for me.

What happens when you excuse yourself from answering her questions- the ones she already knows the answer to. Other than validating her feelings there isn't much more you can do and it seems like the answers you give cause her to escalate the situation or rapid fire move to another issue and then another.

What happens with DD when your son and his gf take over your home and you move? What are your plans? Maybe now, with this in the near future, would be a good time to figure out different living arrangements (sorry, I don't know if you have already talked about this in another thread) and a timetable that you can enforce a small step at a time. Maybe this is a good time to set up a plan, enforce your boundaries. I understand how difficult this is with your gs involved. So difficult... . ugh.

Wishing you a measure of peace!

thursday

[HealingSpirit]

Dear BP,

You behaved admirably!  Your story is showing me that is really isn't us parents or anything we do wrong that triggers our BPD child (in your case adult child).  I love how you described your BPDd's language so clearly and your calm, very clear responses.  Someone else here said it's strange how the BPD's language is universal across the globe.  It appears to me, it's also across the ages too, as my BPDd is 17, but she sounds just like yours.  And mine also hardly lifts a finger to help around the house, and when she does, she doesn't finish the task, or does such a sloppy job, I have to go back and finish.  (And I promise you, I do not have OCD standards.)

What a loving, caring woman you are to take on all this drama simply because you love your kids and want to be supportive!  It's sad that no good deed goes unpunished with a BPD in the house.  I understand how it is after an interchange like you just had.  You did a great job of staying calm, but it still hurts to the core and I find I have to go privately "lick my wounds" afterward.  So, hang in there!  I know you're doing everything you can.  Just remember to take care of yourself through all this.

[tristesse]

Hi Thursday,

you ask some very valid questions. My dd did know that they were sharing the boat, and she is always jealous. I am very concerned that she projects negative things onto her son, like convincing him that I or somebody else has been mean to him or mis-treated him in some way. How unhealthy is that, and how then is he to become a happy child with healthy happy relationships?

I am not unhappy that she is living with me, I actually feel better knowing that she and gs are safe. She is quite needy and trying at times, but I don't want her where she isn't safe.

We have discussed the sale of the home and where she will go, we are intending to  bring her and gs with us while she tries to get stable. She doesn't work right now because she has severe panic attacks, another thing we are working on. She has begun DBT, but has only been to two sessions so far.

In answer to the question about what happens if I excuse myself from the situation, she will follow me and ask relentlessly or it triggers a rage.

I am finding it more and more difficult to effectively communicate with her. So I get ultra frustrated. I love this girl with every single fiber of my being, and I hate that she suffers so much. I am just lost though, I try techniques, but sometimes they just don't work. And I don't feel like I can agree with her just for the sake of an argument, that solves nothing and she thinks she is right in her behaviors. Today is a day where I feel like giving up. Not because I can't take anymore, because I Can take a ton more, I am a strong woman, but because I can't stand that she is in such a dark place and feels so bad, like she is drowning in her own emotions.

[tristesse]

create4joy

thank you for your kindness. I also realize the language is universal with a BPD. They are all like small insecure children, and I respond like she is a small insecure child. I get knots in my stomach, but not for me, for those who she will attack next. I can detach pretty effectively right now, and I usually try and pick my battles, sometimes though, she just won't let me. Being able to vent here is my saving grace, and the feed back is ever so helpful.

[tristesse]

ok, so  out of the blue about 30minutes ago dd starts texting me, I am at work and have been for 5.5 hours by this time.

she says she has decided that instead of coming to me when upset with comments made by ds or his gf, she will take a more direct approach since I always turn it around and say she is attacking me. ( not sure where that came from ), and that she will just go directly to them and ket them know she doesn't appreciate it, and she doesn't think it's necessary. She further states that she will defend her 5 year old little boy and not let people say asty things about him. ( the comment was that gf didn't want to sit by him in the car to avoid being kicked and poked ) that was not nasty but truthful. I sent response saying O.K. I just wish you could all get along, but you are all adults. She came back with, when she was younger and around her niece and nephew, she was not allowed to talk bad about them, nor would she have. ( no idea where that came from either) so I said , you  are entitled to your feelings. She said then, if you decide to jump to the defense of gf then she isn't attacking me when she says anything to me, because I will have brought myself into the situation by opening my mouth. I responded with, fair enough. she is continuing to text , saying stuff like, he's just a little boy and he acts like a little boy  and she will not allow anybody to bully him, it's not his fault he's there. I have stopped replying at this point, but she keeps them coming, now she is saying gf should be asked to leave.

My question now is this, what is her real issue? I know she is suffering today, and she is obviously looking for a fight, but why, what is really bugging her, why is she suffering today?

I am also afraid that when ds leaves for work ( he is a second shifter ) before I get home from work, she will have totally come undone with the gf. This poor girl does not need this stress, not to mention that dd scares the crap out of her. She is due to have a baby in 2 weeks for crying out loud, why Is she being targeted by dd? and how can I protect her from this obvious pending attack?