Hate feeling pity for myself but how blind must I have been not to see it was never going to be what I thought it would be?
I can't believe that after all I have done for this relationship, all the patience, the tears, the working out periods, the "not speaking my mind so I don't seem a crazy person" situations... . I can't believe I'm actually here.
Big, deep breath.
I am going to share my experiences, and MHO.
It's not 'pity' it's the extreme irritation with ones self, and the confusion and disappointment with ones self that we did not see it sooner.
It's part of the process.
ONCE you come to grips with the fact is it NOT you that has the problem, it will be so much calmer inside your head.
I was deceived for 20+ YEARS. And I am not a dummy.
Remember it is HE who deceived you.
You trusted, loved, provided real relationship.
He Deceived you.
His fault, not yours.
I keep asking myself if it's not my constant insecurities that make me have this awful thoughts about him but on the other hand he just lies so much, so much , about such stupid things. I feel now that he lies about everything. I have the urge to check his email and skype all the time and what stops me is the certainty that I AM going to find proof in there that he has a different life when he is not here with me.
My ex lied about what he had for lunch. Literally.
Lying is his native tongue.
I used to dig for proof, try to bust him... . (the last 2.5 years) but I am finally to the place (last 6 months) where I just don't care. I don't care. There is NO benefit to me to catch him lying.
So I don't care.
We have had fights where he called me paranoid and crazy and I could proof in that same moment he was lying. And even with proof in his hands he said: We'll , you made me lie.
Yep. The turn it around game.
The twist and manipulate game.
The "make you look bad" game.
I folded my hand, threw my cards on the table, and walked away from that game.
It's a losing battle.
you will NEVER win.
Stop wasting your precious life, time and energy to a losing game.
You are worth, so much more!
Like it was my fault! And it's not. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I have my hard days but I'm caring! I'm patient! I take care of who I love with all my heart and soul. And he is tearing me apart. He is breaking me.
that is the END GAME.
To break your soul.
To wear you down so far, you can't see up.
Run... . now. Run, and don't look back.
I can't deal with this uncertainty anymore I can't. I feel physically sick , like trowing up all the time.
It will always be like this. It will never change.
You are worth too much to be destroyed like this.
Run.
I can't take his constant need of attention anymore. I didn't mind his need for validation every single second we talked but after I realized he was not an honest person, after I realized he would never ever do anything to change (he says he does but he really doesn't) I don't that I have any more to look up to.
If I didn't throw a parade for my ex when he put away his laundry he would sulk, pout, administer the silent treatment; then I would ask what is wrong, like 200 times, and he would say that "I just don't appreciate what he does, or I don't recognize what he does" wa wa wa wa wa.
IF all eyes are not on him ALL the time... . WOW he is truly like a 13 year old boy.
Yeah, it's soul sucking to have to cow tail, cater too, stroke and coddle all the time.
I can't see myself living with him. Or marrying him or God forbid having his child.
So what am I doing and why do I keep up with this... . ?
Addiction.
View this like an addiction.
www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403194455&sr=8-1&keywords=emotionally+abused+womanThis book was a quick read and hit the nail on the head for me.
EXPLAINED A LOT.
And also gave me what I needed to finally walk away.
PTL for this book.
You have to break the addiction. Go thru withdrawls, but break this addiction. Don't waste your precious life... .
I hate that he met my family, and I met his and that we spent so much time together and had such hard times to just come to this... . Its like investing in a really promising job where you work and work and work and try so hard and one day you realize that... . You are stuck behind the same desk, with the same income... . Stupid analogy I know but my mind can't do much better at this point
Excellent analogy.
So as you sit behind that desk, you stew.
Your heart and mind become bitter, angry.
That begins to show in your face, voice and everything you do.
THEN no one wants to be around you... . now you're isolated.
Just you... . and the lousy cubical you are stuck in.
You begin to see life thru bitter broken jaded glasses... .
Quit that job, throw your ish in a box, and get the hades out of there.
Get out now before it destroys your soul.
You have TOO much worth, and TOO much life to throw it in the toilet.