Fog, Suggestions for Today

[peaceat54]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post other than my Introduction post,

Feeling very panicky right now, my step-sister and her family and I with my family have been wanting to get together at my house for a while now so we decided on today for a bbq, The thing is when my sister and I get together we normally do it in secret because of the way my BPD mother acts so we found it easier to just get together with out her knowing, my sister and I are very close, anyway I decided not to invite my mom because I just don't want to deal with her behavior and we just want to have fun!

But as this morning is going along and I am trying to prepare I find myself with an upset stomach, shaky and a high level of anxiety, So much so I am having a hard time even typing.

I know this is FOG, and I also know that my own adult children do not have to think about things like this ( My doctor has me try to look at how I would feel if my daughter or my children do something to see if it my guilt is justified as a way to start working with my broken guilt meter) I do understand it is my programing,

But I also feel some of the feelings I have are from not being honest or my true self when I am dealing with my mom, I just can't handle her behavior right now and just want to avoid it at this time. So it is hard for me to imagine this scenario with my own children as they would have not needed to do it the way I am choosing to, If they wanted to get together without parents they would just say that and it would be fine with us, most likely though I think they would ask if we wanted to come over too.

I found out about the BPD from my doctor about a month ago so I am still trying to understand the disorder. BPD and the stories of other adult children hits the nail on the head.

Does anyone on the board this afternoon have any ideas that might be able to help me today feel a littler less anxiety?

Thanks for any ideas, or experiences you may have had as you tried to break these self defeating patterns.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, peaceat54, and  

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling panicky today. I have felt that way and understand it is no fun. Am I understanding correctly that you are feeling guilty about not telling your mother about your plans?

Adults get to decide how to spend their time and with whom. It is okay not to tell your mother about everything you are planning to do. You aren't a little child any more, and she doesn't have to know everything. It's not dishonest if you don't want to tell her. It's not being mean if you want to do something with your sister--or anyone, really--that doesn't include your mother. It's normal for adults to have their own lives and relationships. It sounds like you understand this when it comes to your own children.

In general, does your mother usually expect to hear about everything you do? Do you feel responsible for her feelings? I hope you are able to decide it is okay to have a good time with your sister today.   To me, that is one of life's riches, to be able to enjoy your relationships (see Step 15 over in the right margin).

This workshop has been helpful to me; maybe it will also help you today. Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones Control Us.  It also might help to talk about what you are going through with a professional counselor. Have you ever considered therapy? Let us know how things go today.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[peaceat54]

Thank you,

I almost wanted to cry, it is great just to be validated,

I have been in counseling cognitive therapy for a year now and my doctor is very good, easy to talk with, He just felt it was time to share that he believes my mom has BPD last month so I am still trying to get my head around this.

I stopped sharing much about my life with my mom because of her over reactions a few years back.

I just have been learned about this FOG and was able to at least know what was going on inside me today, so I think that is a good thing also that in the future I can plan in advance how I can work on this a head of time and have plans in place, so maybe at the very least I have learned 2 things to day and will have fun with my family this afternoon 

Oh and I also felt a little better for some reason just writing my post, maybe just putting my thought and feeling down in writing helped ease the anxiety.

Thank you so much, I will be taking a look at the recourses you provided the link to. 

Have a great day,

Peaceat54

[patsmaiz]

Thank you,

I almost wanted to cry, it is great just to be validated,

I have been in counseling cognitive therapy for a year now and my doctor is very good, easy to talk with, He just felt it was time to share that he believes my mom has BPD last month so I am still trying to get my head around this.

I stopped sharing much about my life with my mom because of her over reactions a few years back.

I just have been learned about this FOG and was able to at least know what was going on inside me today, so I think that is a good thing also that in the future I can plan in advance how I can work on this a head of time and have plans in place, so maybe at the very least I have learned 2 things to day and will have fun with my family this afternoon 

Oh and I also felt a little better for some reason just writing my post, maybe just putting my thought and feeling down in writing helped ease the anxiety.

Thank you so much, I will be taking a look at the recourses you provided the link to. 

Have a great day,

Peaceat54

I'm not sure what FOG is, but I outlined a fraction of my ridiculously long story in another post.  This is exactly everything I was feeling in the two week production before a siblings visit here.  I felt dread, anxiety, discomfort, confusion.  I literally sit there having no idea what to do with the bizarre statements.  I have always done non engagement.   But, she amped it up so high this week that I just didn't know how to navigate it.  I always feel guilty because I can't solve the problem.  There's nothing I can say or not say, no way I can say something in "the right way", nothing I can do or not do.  It always ends up in the same spot.  This person relaying her victimization by everyone, attacking me and acting totally inappropriate.   I feel guilty because I have always had a sense of responsibility for other peoples lives and their well being and I feel I failed at protecting my nephew from watching me get pulled into it.

[HappyChappy]

Oh and I also felt a little better for some reason just writing my post, maybe just putting my thought and feeling down in writing helped ease the anxiety.

Better out than in, as my sons says. I'm sorry you felt paniky due to the FOG, I think that's only natural if your mum is BPD. Been there myself.

But just to back up P.F. you have absolutly nothing to feel guilty about. If keeping it from your mum works for you, good on you. BPD bring us up to confess all (wonder why) but that can change. Also if you keep things from someone, you don't get as upset when others do it to you. The fact you're close to your sister despite your BPD mother, is quiet an achievment.