Babysitting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im trying to figure out something that happened.

My uBPDexgf is going on a hen night. She didn't have a firm date for it and asked If I would be able to babysit our son. I agreed as any opportunity to spend with him I relish. At the same time I did not know when I would be having my other 2 sons as they were due to go on holiday with their mum  but they had no firm dates for it.

A couple of weeks ago the ex messages me and asks if it was still ok for me to babysit. I said yes. She said it was on the 2nd of Aug. I told her that I had my other sons then but it wouldn't be a problem as long as she didn't mind them staying over aswell. She then came back with I'll have to think about it. I said in that case I will ask my mum to look after the boys as I had promised to babysit for her. She said she'd have a think about. I reinforced the fact that I had promised to do it and I didn't want to break my promise.

She got back about 10 mins later and said she might aske her mum to do it as the hen do was an afternoon into evening event and she didn't think our soon would like being with me that long as he wasn't used to me. I said that Im sure he would be ok and he needs to spend time with me to get used to me. She said we will have to play it by ear and the final decision would be my 13 month old sons.

So can anyone answer me as to why in the space of 15-20 minutes it went from me being ok to babysit to not being ok?

I get the feeling it may have been seen as abandonment when I mentioned my other sons.

[enlighten me]

Im trying to figure out something that happened.

My uBPDexgf is going on a hen night. She didn't have a firm date for it and asked If I would be able to babysit our son. I agreed as any opportunity to spend with him I relish. At the same time I did not know when I would be having my other 2 sons as they were due to go on holiday with their mum  but they had no firm dates for it.

A couple of weeks ago the ex messages me and asks if it was still ok for me to babysit. I said yes. She said it was on the 2nd of Aug. I told her that I had my other sons then but it wouldn't be a problem as long as she didn't mind them staying over aswell. She then came back with I'll have to think about it. I said in that case I will ask my mum to look after the boys as I had promised to babysit for her. She said she'd have a think about. I reinforced the fact that I had promised to do it and I didn't want to break my promise.

She got back about 10 mins later and said she might aske her mum to do it as the hen do was an afternoon into evening event and she didn't think our soon would like being with me that long as he wasn't used to me. I said that Im sure he would be ok and he needs to spend time with me to get used to me. She said we will have to play it by ear and the final decision would be my 13 month old sons.

So can anyone answer me as to why in the space of 15-20 minutes it went from me being ok to babysit to not being ok?

I get the feeling it may have been seen as abandonment when I mentioned my other sons.

[Turkish]

What is the problem with watching all three kids at once, and what business is it of hers what you do with your kids (all three of them) when you have them? Is there a history there?

It sounds like she is triggered by the children which are not hers. I suppose that could be triggering her abandonment fears, but you aren't responsible for her feelings.

[enlighten me]

Hi Turkish

There have been a lot of issues with my ex and my eldest sons. She has always said that they are part of the family but then gone out of her way not to have them around.

After thinking about this and reading some more Ive come to the conclusion that the boys are/ were a threat to her as if it came to a choice between my children or her I would choose the children. The fact that we are over you would think that she wouldn't be worried by it anymore but I reckon the feelings of abandonment even by an ex are painful for her.

[momtara]

You're probably on the right track.  But trying to figure out these folks is hard.  I find it so hard to plan with my BPD x-H.  He changes his mind and doesn't respect the fact that other people plan around him.