My Girlfriend Picked Me Because I'm not Handsome

[barterbarter]

Anybody else get anything like this? My undiagnosed BPD girlfriend gets angry with me when I try to look good, tells me that's not what I'm here for and says that she chose me over other men that we work with because I am so very average-looking and therefore less likely to receive female attention. She went on to say she would never marry a good looking guy for fear he'd leave her.

She did go on to say that my greatest gift is talking and that that's more important to her because looks fade but geez what a backhanded compliment. Hard to feel good about yourself when you know you've cast as Beast to your woman's Beauty.

I'm also suspicious: not to say I'm great looking but before her I was always considered at least "above average looking". But I am in my mid-40s now (girlfriend's 34) and maybe she's playing on my insecurities relating to aging. Thanks.

[OutOfEgypt]

I think she spelled it out for you pretty clearly.  She wants to have control of the relationship, and she wants to know that you will never leave her.  Incidentally, how does that make you feel?  Obviously not very good.  And in time, it might just make you feel like very few women would want you.  And then she will have accomplished what she wants... . you won't leave because you'll think there is nowhere else to go.  Check-mate.  You get controlled and used for her purposes until she is done with you.

I received many such condemnations and back-handed compliments.  You feel like "uhh... . thanks" but secretly wonder, "Who the #$ says something like that to someone?"  Its a put-down disguised as a compliment.  And yes, if she is anything like my ex, she will capitalize on and exploit your insecurities to keep you under her thumb.  And you won't even really see that she is doing it until you are in too deep.

They need to have control of the relationship, and they need someone to unload their guilt and shame upon.  Your flaws and insecurities are fair game, and they will likely become the focal point of the relationship in due time... . all to keep you constantly thrown off and to keep the eyes on YOU being the flawed one and not on her.  That's how they roll.  

[AimingforMastery]

I think she spelled it out for you pretty clearly.  She wants to have control of the relationship, and she wants to know that you will never leave her.  Incidentally, how does that make you feel?  Obviously not very good.  And in time, it might just make you feel like very few women would want you.  And then she will have accomplished what she wants... . you won't leave because you'll think there is nowhere else to go.  Check-mate.  You get controlled and used for her purposes until she is done with you.

I received many such condemnations and back-handed compliments.  You feel like "uhh... . thanks" but secretly wonder, "Who the #$ says something like that to someone?"  Its a put-down disguised as a compliment.  And yes, if she is anything like my ex, she will capitalize on and exploit your insecurities to keep you under her thumb.  And you won't even really see that she is doing it until you are in too deep.

They need to have control of the relationship, and they need someone to unload their guilt and shame upon.  Your flaws and insecurities are fair game, and they will likely become the focal point of the relationship in due time... . all to keep you constantly thrown off and to keep the eyes on YOU being the flawed one and not on her.  That's how they roll.  

Do you think if they actually take responsibility and can say I am an awful girlfriend or similar and that they promise not to do x, y,z ever again - do you think that makes someone not a BPD? Or, at least a much less severe one?

[MissTajo]

I often think about that.

I am not good looking but my BPDbf has a very attractive appearance. He is tall, blond and with blue eyes and where I come from tha'ts not very common. His other "flings" where with ugly women. I think he chooses not so good looking people on purpose... .

[waverider]

Whatever her reasons stated now, will not be what they where, nor what the always will be.

They are just a cobbled up reality to justify what ever she feels right now.

You know who you are, keep your reality and self belief.

Most pwBPD barely understand why they do what they do, it is almost like as series of subconcious impulses. The need to be in control means they have to link them together into some semblance of logical explanation. Some of these thoughts will have occurred to her at different times, but they will not all be linked together in some greater strategy.

The only thing I would take out of this is that she has a huge sense of insecurity. Dont make her problem, your problem.

Male pwBPD very commonly display this sort of behavior.