I understand that she was upset and miserable and that when she thinks I don't understand her feelings she will try until she thinks I do. I explained to her that I heard what she had said, and even repeated it back to her, but I did not agree with her, therefore we needed to agree that we were not going to agree on this subject, and of course she was hearing, you suck, you don't matter, who cares what you feel etc... . In trying to talk reason with her she became more and more out of control, so I put my foot down and gave the choice to respect me and my home and live by the house rules or to live elsewhere. So the question here is, Could I have handled that differently?
Thanks for the update, tristesse... . Actually, I think the answer to your question is explained in the paragraph above. Have you checked out the
links to the right-hand side of this page yet? Especially the
TOOLS section? It sounds like your daughter needs
validation of her feelings. Something that we forget lots of times is that validation isn't actually
agreeing with those feelings; if we had to agree with the things that our BPD loved ones feel, we wouldn't
ever be able to communicate with them in a way that doesn't push all of their buttons. What validation helps us do is listen to their complaints, acknowledge that they feel that way, and let them know that we understand they feel that way. We don't need to tell them that it is right or wrong, just that we know that's how they feel.
Are you familiar with
TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth? That is a really good technique to use in navigating a situation like you were dealing with. Instead of telling her that you hear what she is saying, that you don't agree with her and therefore need to agree to disagree (or even trying to reason with her), try S.E.T.:
S=Support: Daughter, I understand that you were upset when I didn't come home and ask you to go shopping with me... .
E=Empathy: If I was bored and lonely, and thought my feelings were being ignored, I would be upset too... .
T=Truth: I just needed to pick up a few items and it was the quickest thing to do on my way home from work. I wanted to get home as soon as possible and hang out with you and grandson... .
Something like that? In the first exchange (in your first post) you mention that you had told her (about the 4th of July) that you meant what you said, nothing more nothing less. Was there a way to validate her feelings about feeling like she was playing 2nd fiddle to her upcoming neice/nephew, without promising to take her out for the 4th of July no matter what?
S=Support: I know that you and grandson want to go out to the 4th of July fireworks... .
E=Empathy: I think that would be fun! I would love to go, too!
T=Truth: If all goes well, and the new baby doesn't come that day, it should all work out fine.
Then (if she rebels with hurt feelings):
S=Support: I can understand that you feel like the new baby is coming before you and grandson... .
E=Empathy: If I felt that I was playing 2nd fiddle, it would upset me, too.
T=Truth: There's really not a lot I can do about it, though. I need to be there for the birth, and no one can tell a newborn when to make their entrance... .
The thing to remember when using Validation and S.E.T. is to never J.A.D.E.: Do
not Justify yourself, Argue the point, Defend yourself or Explain yourself. Now, you did follow that advice when you refused to engage the arguments, but I'm wondering if you forgot to add the S.E.T.? Without the Support, Empathy and Truth (as you see it, reasonably), not engaging can just inflame our loved one's emotions because they feel like they aren't being heard or taken seriously.
My scripts above are just ideas to follow; you know your daughter better than I do so maybe you'd word them differently. You should know her buttons, and S.E.T. and Validation can help you stop pushing them... . What do you think?
